captured

had you asked me a month ago if i would be sad to see my newest friends leave starkville to return home for the summer, i probably would have hesitated a second before i answered and then muttered a simple no.  that was what i thought a month ago.  then, i failed to see how strong a friendship can grow each day.  i did not think it was possible to yearn for a group of people who i had only just acquainted myself with weeks prior, but here i am about to graduate college and start my summer break and i am deeply missing these people.  if you asked me that same question now, it's quite possible i break down in tears in anticipation of their arrival back to this town.  i long for the genuine encouragement these jesus lovers provide and continuous wholesome talk.

i like who they challenge me to be. i like how they pull and tug at my heart strings and force me to examine my life.  i enjoy their accountability, even though it is painful sometimes to admit my struggles.  i miss being loved solely for who i am in jesus, not for how smart or how pretty or how fast i am.  it's not that they aren't loving me from a distance–because they definitely are and i them– but i want to be able to walk into a coffee shop and pull up a seat or perhaps call one of them up and know we can get together in a matter of minutes.

there is something about summer that is so painfully liberating.  

i saw a dragonfly.

these girls were so innocently beautiful.

i miss my kittens.

jesus holds the door open for those who knock.

this is probably illegal. 

this is an excerpt from the book i am reading, "breaking free" by beth moore

i saw this door last week so i drove back to snag a picture.

i love fierce trees.

we've all been abandoned at some point in our lives, but jesus will never leave us.

i got my toes wet.

i stood in the middle of a back country road and took a picture.

my adventure ended.

me at my finest.

"and i could see for miles and miles and miles"

this man seemed to be in perfect harmony with the water.

even though our table will be empty until the fall, you all hold a place in my heart.

oh hello darkness my old friend: Mia

"if you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.  the temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  and God is faithful.  he will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.  when you are tempted, he will show you a way out so you can endure." –1 corinthians 10: 12-13

i chose to let Mia back into my life tonight. i know i should not have, but i chose to sit down with her after fighting her tooth and nail.  i took the easy road, i gave in to her.  Mia came back in my life tonight, after being essentially exiled for nearly 10-12 months.  i won't be seeing Mia again. 

help me stay accountable. i need prayer. why did i give in? why did i fail to believe God's truths? why did i instead trust in myself?  i'm angry with myself.

april 6, 2008-may 4, 2012

four years i gave you all i had and still it wasn't enough.  

you're not coming back here to chew your home in me

i just slipped up yet my mind has been changed

you are not my master, you just only bring me pain

i serve a God who's bigger and promises freedom

no longer am i your captive

tonight i flushed your hopes goodbye, forever.

Mia, my long lost “friend”

July 23, 2010

mia was on my mind

i couldn't shake her thoughts

she never left

now my stomach is in knots

i told her i was done

done being her friend

but she played her wicked games

now she's back again

mia likes to mess with me,

watch me hurt myself

i thought i had her bottled up

and put her on the shelf

yet still mia makes me feel alive,

feel everything you don't.

demented as it may sound;

but leave, she just won't

we laughed together

and shared my tears

mia, my long lost "friend"

through the years

i want to hate her

but she coaxes me into love

says if i only do this or that,

then i'll be that beautiful dove

i wish mia'd leave

but then i wish she would stay

i can never commit

mia, just go away

Flushed Away

April 3, 2010

she knew she shouldn't have 

temptation mounted 

and she climbed 

bitter she became 

not just the taste in her mouth 

what she sees are lies 

when she looks into the mirror 

there seems no other way 

to cure this one, mammoth piece 

but she is shattered into millions 

holding hate not for everyone 

but only for just herself 

as she sits on her knees 

clenching to the tile 

tears flow out of her eyes 

as she flushes her life away.

Mia, My Master?

March 10, 2010

i will not serve you

i want to refuse you as a crutch

i can not call you a friend

leave me and never come back

why did i let you back in?

why are you controlling me?

why can't i just forget you?

i do not want to be your slave

but there seems no other way

you try to be my master

and i flush you out of my life

why are you here?

why do i let you attack me?

why can't i just forget you?

i don't want to serve you

you don't deserve my time

but i give it to you anyway

i thought you had left.....

Mia Might Miss Me

June 30, 2009

i heard mia soothingly scream as i silently strayed by:

"welcome home renee

to the beautiful white tile

is it cold on your naked feet?"

"welcome to heaven,

close the door, dear girl.

it's the outlet to lies and horrible people.

"welcome back to peace,

it's been an entire week!

sit down now,

cradle me in your arms.

"welcome home renee,

tell me all your problems.

throw up all your guilt.

ill flush away your pain.

"welcome in to perfect paradise,

you can truly trust me;

ill tell you nothing but the truth

so long as you promise to visit, forgetful one.

"welcome back finally,

where you trying to abandon me!?

leave me for another!?

all i want is all of you.

"welcome in renee.

spit in my face

it's a sign of our growing friendship.

ill spit right back.

"welcome to security,

don't you ever leave me.

i swear i will find you, 

and nag you to your death."

Mia in Me

June 16, 2009

i have met a girl named mia. 

she makes me feel so strong.

im beautiful to her.

with her, i do no wrong.

mia is my comfort.

she is my smile when im torn.

she whispers to me sweet sounds.

with her, i feel reborn.

mia is my cornerstone.

my solid rock to stand.

whenever i am weak,

she lends her helping hand.

with this friend im whole,

i feel so full of breath

but with mia my last breath is took

she leads me to my death

Read Between the Lines, Dear Inmate

June 3, 2009

i am a prisoner to this ceramic tile.

you will not let me free.

you hold me in chains and cuffs.

your guards with watchful eyes.

i am stuck in this gagging routine.

nearly nothing is new.

you have stipend my calls,

help is now not listening.

you try to limit my intake

by documenting my deeds

but i steal like a thief

and then break like a victim

i feel like i am prisoner.

locked behind your colorless walls.

but the door is locked from the inside .

yet i am so very meek.

your barbed wire holds me in.

im afraid of leaving "home"

new inmates tell me it's time to flee

they do not know how this bowl screams

im brought to my knees

filled with guilt and shame

i deserve this prison treatment

my sentence has hardly begun

the truth i need to hear

your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me

click the link above

old self

good morning!

good morning!

good morning!

warm coffee is coursing through my veins and the stress had melted off my back for the rest of the day.  i just finished my astronomy final and i know i did well on it. studying truly pays off.  last night i had a fantastic time studying with a group of friends at a local coffee shop, strangebrew coffeehouse.  it was a great opportunity to catch up with my new friends, enjoy fellowship with these jesus-lovers, and be held accountable while studying.  there were probably close to 10-12 people throughout the night who popped in and out to study and drink the best coffee in starkville.  when i say my favorite place on earth is strangebrew, i am making no false statement.
however, today i settled on the three region blend at starbucks.  i had never had this brew, so i decided to amuse myself.  to my not so big surprise, i loved it, it's coffee afterall.  sumatra may have a new bold competitor.  if you have never tried the three region blend, i think you should.

joy

something is on my mind, and it's a pretty serious topic: my past.  we all have one; some darker than others.  we all have secret lives behind closed doors that would make others shutter if anyone found out.  we have all lived in darkness and constantly flirted with temptations.  we all have a past, but i need to be reminded that–because i am made new in christ–i am not defined by anything i have ever done.  when questions about 'who i used to be' vs. 'who i am now' arose, i could not help but well up inside.  my insides hurt, my heart broke, and it took all i could not to let the flood gate of tears break.  the mere thought of my past, and parts of my very recent past, try to haunt me day and night.

however, i want everyone to know now and forever more, that i am not who i used to be.  my dirty and broken past no longer has to cast a shadow.  my Light removes all darkness.  maybe this sounds cliché and a bit unrealistic to some, but i am not even the same woman that i strove to be yesterday.  each day i am being made new in the eyes of christ; and because of this, i am no longer defined by the detestable acts i  have committed in the past.  it is not that i have something to prove to anyone or want to be displayed in lights across a billboard because i don't need to please anyone but jesus, but reminding myself constantly that i am a new person helps keep me humble.  i know what my past was, and i would be a fool to return to such harm.  i know that if it were not for the awesome power of God working in me and through me, i would not be writing this blog post.  

my past is certainly nothing to brag about.  

"oh i did 'this' and 'that' and 'there's no way i would ever do that' but 'i'll do this so long as it isn't that or that' and 'that one time i even tried this before i did that' and 'then this other thing lead to these other things'......and i couldn't have been happier"

does that sound familiar?  it does to me.

your darkness could be self-motivation, pills, drugs, sexual immorality, eating disorders, desire of perfection, gluttony, drunkenness, jealousy, gossiping, anger, seemingly harms lies, physical abuse, stealing, lustful thoughts, etc....but, reader, those don't have to determine who you will be in 10 minutes from now.

be encouraged, the Word of God directly tells us that we are completely transformed because jesus christ died on the cross for EVERY SINGLE SIN EVER in our lives.  i hope i cease to take for granted the reality that someone, God's Son, died for me.  he took death, for me.

let's start leading transformed lives and stop pretending like we are magically changed.  let's stop letting our Past cast shadows on our future Light.

is your God not big enough to extinguish darkness in your life? 

defined by a relationship

the only relationship i ever want to be defined by is my relationship with Jesus Christ

i am tired of fruitless relationships with an end in visible sight.  i'm so annoyed with relationships defined by the common interest of abhorrence to the same person.  i'm exhausted by relationships defined by mere physical standards and actions.  i am weary of relationships defined by common interests so soon to fade.  i am completely over relationships defined by take-take-take modes.  i'm done with relationships defined by people who think i should spend my time with this person or that person.

i'm tired, absolutely tired.  i just want Jesus to have my heart.  is that such a heard concept to wrap around our finite minds?

i have been in relationship after relationship and never once has one lasted, obviously. i'm tired.  for various reasons being everything from selfishness to crossing physical barriers, the relationship has failed miserably.  i'm tired. my heart has been ripped out of my chest countless times and i have actively torn hearts to shreds more than i care to admit.  i sadly know how i am and unfortunately am aware of what i am capable of doing to another person's fragile, unguarded heart. i am a vicious, jealous, passionate, selfish lover.

never in my life–before now–have i channeled my passion of loving another person into loving my all-powerful God.  what kind of fierce and intimate love affair could be formed with the Creator of the entire universe if i would just reach out my hand and and say yes?  well, i can tell you, because i am finding out first hand the realness of love.

i flirted with darkness for too long and had my "fun" or better termed "heartache," and even now, darkness attempts to steal me back.  however, i said "i do" to my Lover and married jesus.  it breaks my heart to know i am cheater even in times i fail to realize my dark intentions, but i try earnestly to keep my united vow to my jesus.  i know jesus would never break my heart, yet i continue to rips his apart.  i don't ever want to let him down.  his heart fills with joy when i return home from momentary prostitution.  the more time i spend with my beautiful jesus, the more i miss him when i have to put his words away.  as with any relationship, the more time i spend with jesus, the closer we become as a couple.  our relationship blossoms and the roots penetrate new ground.  my Lover starts to take control of my heart and all the more transforms me to reflect his beauty.  they say married couples start to look like each other after so many years together, well, i hope that is the unmistakable case in my life now and until i breathe my last.

it's as if we are dancing our "first dance" every single night, love and zeal and comfort wrapped up in each other's arms.  i don't sing to others, but to him, i sing openly.  every night before we sleep, he paints my sky with hues of perfection and i quickly capture his work with a flash before he wipes his starlit canvas clean.  he continuously molds my so very fragile heart in his passionate hands and i actively display it on my back for all to see it's guardian is He.  my marriage has truly become the only thing i can really talk about, the only thing i care to think about, and he is the only One i really want to spend my time with.

i am guarding my heart against anyone or anything that may try to cause my marriage to be on the fence.  i know how easily i can let people sing my heart-song and i know how easily i am prone to stumble in this way.

i'm in love.

is it wrong of me to want nothing more than to give my undivided attention to my Lord? is it wrong of me to want nothing more than to hear what He has to say?

i'm in love, for what seems like the first time, and unlike all my frivolous relationships before this, i know that he is the only One.

this is the relationship by which i will be defined

feel free to comment below

what do you tend to let define you?

what defines you right now, where you're at?

how can you make God your definition?