the holiday season is coming to a close, and with that, i return to a place far warmer than my native indiana. it is true that i have over consumed coffee (shocker) and chocolate and far too many other sweets i'd rather not say (ugh!). though i can dance around a destructive past and i can make any agonizing war sound remotely insignificant, it is time i got real with myself (and you).i can not remember the last time i threw up in an attempt to feel better about myself. i can not remember the last time things spiraled out of control. i can not remember the last time i restricted my meals so i could binge with out feeling the after affects of my destructive decision. that is probably a good thing. it has been over a year since i crawled across the ceramic floor to hug my enemy. no forced purging, and all the glory be to God for this strength.
but now i'm sitting at my kitchen island in the pitch black of night in tears over what seems like a never ending cycle. not only have i made excuses for over eating nearly every meal the past two months, but others also make excuses for me with comments like, "renee don't worry you run it off" , "you are such a stick anyway" , "don't worry you can afford a few pounds." those comments may seem helpful or harmless, but in fact do more damage to my mentality. you see, i don't run it off and i haven't run it off. now before you think i am over-exaggerating and crying for no reason, please put yourself in my shoes for the past 5-6 years (sparing you all the details, unless you really want to know then click here). i am currently numb–my body and my heart, as well as my desire. each run (or even thought of a run) is nearly a stab at my soul and a slash at my heart. this is not a can-run/can't-run thing. this is a self-control issue and i am losing all aspects of it. my college career is fading quickly, and well, quite frankly, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation.
self-control is a fruit of the spirit. though i may not possess much self-control, there is some seed of self-control within me because the holy spirit lives within. despite these inherent truths, my emotions are still there and are fueled by lies formulated by the enemy. though i am aware, i feel defeated. though i know i am not defeated, that is how i feel.
alone. stupid. isolated. defeated. transparent. ugly. fat. heavy. tired. angry. bitter. lonely.
lieslieslieslieslieslieslieslieslieslies.
i know.
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| 1 corinthians 10:12-13 |
