when it comes to heart problems, i'm an idiot

i am sitting at barnes & noble going through the motions: contemplating returning to my car because i left my wallet which means i am not partaking in steamy java goodness, discreetly people watching which entails a man dressed in dark tones who is nervously twitching at his computer and gets up to walk around the cafe every ten to fifteen minutes, pretending not to be interested in the WWII discussion two grandsons are having with what appears to be their grandmother, reading a paragraph of andy stanley's enemies of the heart and then setting the book aside to process the breaking of my heart one word at a time, and being emotionally moved by the song "wake up" by all sons & daughters which is set on repeat.

no lack of mental stimulation while i sit here at my two foot, circular orange table.

andy stanley, enemies of the heart, pages 85-87

"brian has been having trouble getting to sleep at night.  he suffers from acid reflux, and lately he has noticed that walking up the single flight of stairs to his bedroom leaves him breathing harder than normal.  os brian makes an appointment to see a cardiologist.  dr. plythem runs brian through an extensive battery of tests, including a grueling three minutes on the treadmill.  a week later brian finds himself in the good doctor's exam room, waiting for the results.  the concerned look on dr. plythem's face confirms brian's suspicions: something isn't right. 

dr. plythem glanes gravely at his chart and says, "on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst-case scenario, you're a seven.  you don't need surgery at this time, but you will if you don't make some immediate lifestyle changes."

"like what?" brian asks, a bit worried about what's coming next.
the doctor pulls a single page from his clipboard and hands it to brian.  "this is a three-day-a-week exercise regimen," he explains. "once your body becomes accustomed to this level of activity, we'll bump it up a notch."
"but i don't think you understand," brian complains.  "i can't do all this.  i have a bad heart! you said so yourself.  once my heart gets stronger, then yeah, i don't mind exercising.  but you can't expect me to do all this stuff in my present condition." 

dr. plythem looks confused, so brian continues. "look, this says you want me to walk for thirty minutes, three times a week. do you realize how winded i'll be? i'll be sweating like a pig! and if i do these stretches i'll be unbearably sore for days. doc, i have a bad heart. i can't do all this stuff.  look, first fix my heart, and then i'll seriously consider the routine. 

"brian, i am trying to fix your heart.  this is how to fix it: by exercising it. the discomfort is part of the cure.  you strengthen a muscle by exhausting it and then letting it rest.  to fix your heart we've got to exhaust it periodically and then let it rest.  and yes, you'll sweat. and you'll be sore. and you won't always feel too good during the process but this is the road to recovery." 

brian just shakes his head.  "look, doc, let me level with you. my wife has been trying to get me to exercise for years. so about a year ago i finally gave in and tried out her treadmill.  i wasn't on that thing five minutes before i thought i was going to die.  i'm telling you, it won't work.  i've already tried exercise.  it just made me tired. and there's another thing: do you know how silly i look in spandex shorts? like i'm wearing hippo pantyhose. now, once i lose a little weight, i may go for the whole fitness look. but not until then. so if you'll please do something to strengthen my heart, then i'll be happy to follow your advice.  after all, you're the expert, not me." 

at this point dr. plythem opens the door and says, "brian, you're an idiot."

when it comes to spiritual heart condition, what are you doing about the sickness lodged inside?

i am certainly an idiot.

inadequate disciple?

have you ever lacked the value of positive self-worth?  have you ever felt as though you are not living up to your potential? that everyone else has figured it out but you?  have you ever just felt like you're not quite doing enough, yet if you tried to squeeze even one more thing into your busy schedule, your head may very well combust?  have you ever felt inadequate?

maybe this doesn't describe you in any aspect of your life, but if you are a human being like me (which i'll assume you are) then it probably struck some chord deep within.  whether you have been suppressing these sentiments or wear them openly on your sleeve, please know that you are not alone in your struggle of inadequacy.

let me brief you on my most recent struggle of inadequacy.  many of my friends whom of which are firmly rooted in the truths of the gospel have summer internships or are/have participated in missionaries this summer.  i am stuck in starkville, mississippi or occasionally indianapolis, indiana and i float through memphis, tennessee at times.  i am not working with high school youth and i am not sleeping in a third-world village. i don't get to hike up a mountain and tell middle school girls how to face the realities of the coming days or give talks on jesus.  so what exactly is my problem? my struggle of inadequacy comes from comparison and outward appearance.  i feel as though i am not making a mark for jesus, i feel useless, i feel unworthy because i don't have the same opportunities as others.  when i get down to the bones of it, when my friends and i sit around with coffee in hand and bibles in tote to discuss our adventures, i am not going to have a cool story of how jesus lead me to lead others to christ this summer.  someone please slap me for being so vain.

therefore, i dig myself into a self-loathing and pitiful grave.

this morning at church, chip fed us with a talk on missions.  i'm sure grumbles and ughs could be heard as a dull groan throughout the baptist congregation because isn't this topic engraved into baptists' wiring, it's the bread and butter, and the take home message of every sermon?  however, i knew i was in for a real treat due to my recent inadequate discovery.  bring it on brother chip.

"jesus came and told the disciples, 'i have been given complete authority in heaven and on earth.  therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.  teach these new disciples to obey all the commands i have given you. and be sure of this: i am with you always, even to the end of the age'."
–matthew 28:18-20

now, it wasn't the words in matthew that necessarily enlightened me or brought me to a sense of understanding on my dilemma.  rather, it was jesus tugging at my heart, telling me to wake up and smell the sweat on the track which is (and has always been) my mission field! i'm so blind sometimes.  slap me again, would you!?

my eyes were opened to the responsibility and delight that it is to go on missions by reading the life-altering book, radical by david platt.  my friends are going on missions foreign and domestic. my heart is aching for those who don't know jesus, and yet just because i am not walking on persecuted ground and because i don't get to spend countless hours supervising hormonal adolescents, i feel worthless? my logic is flawed, isn't it?

you may be thinking, "renee, this is quite absurd thinking" but this is how i genuinely feel.  it is toxic to my heart and has pervaded every element of my attitude this past week.

upon leaving church, i was relieved and revived, refreshed and ready.

it is true, that i may not be in a place right now that allocates time to go abroad, but that does not give me an excuse to not ever go.  it does not give me an excuse to not be jesus to everyone i meet.  jesus told us to go to all the nations.  chip changed my perspective when he said, "you're in a college town, the nations are practically coming to you and you still aren't doing anything about it!  reader, how can i go and make disciples if i am not living out daily the promises of jesus?

in all, chip's sermon told me to simply wake up and stop feeling inadequate.

in my roommate's words, i have a "stunningly unique gift of running and leadership."  i happen run cross-country and track at mississippi state university where i am the team captain. ok, my mission field is established. why am i seeing this mission field as any different than alien soil? than going on camping trips with 20 middle-schoolers? than repurposing housing units in the inner city? (all of which in and of themselves are wonderful things and if that is what you are/have been doing, keep doing it! you rock, thank you).

comparison is the thief of joy.  it is something we all do whether we realize it or not.  you may not compare yourself to others spiritually as i do which feeds my feeling of inadequacy, but you may try to stack up against others.  girls, you compare body types, clothes, hair, grades, character of your children against other children.  guys, you compare muscles, facial hair, financial status, and career paths. the lists are essentially endless.  regardless, when you start comparing yourself to others, you will always always always find fault with yourself and you will always always always end up internally judging those who you "are better than/doing more than/ have more than."  you know as well as i do, that comparison cannot make its home in our hearts or we will forever be less than what God desired.

wake up, people! our mission fields are everywhere around us.  not that we should ever neglect our duty to "go to all nations" or use excuses to say that God's words don't apply to you in that scenario,  but how can we expect to be God's tool in making disciples in foreign lands when we don't have a single nice word to say to our coworkers (and we can forget about trying to smile!), when we can't even take time to sit down with a hurting friend or have the neighbors over for dinner every once in a while, when we cannot defend our beliefs during an unexpected conversation at a starbucks?

i am as guilty as they come when pointing the finger of comparison and excuse making.  it's time to stop, self.  i'm sipping on a decaf americano at (surprise) strangebrew after attending a prayer meeting about caring for the orphans.  after watching a tv show on TLC last week about pregnant mothers planning to give their children up for adoption, my heart was exposed to a different mission field.  i have a few friends that i have met in college who are actually adopted and my youth leader as a child adopted two children about 12 years ago.  whether or not this is an avenue God needs me to pursue, i am glad me eyes were further opened to such commands.

"father to the fatherless, defender of widows – this is God, whose dwelling is holy.  God places the lonely in families; he sets prisoners free and gives them joy."
–psalm 68:5-6a

back to my feelings of inadequacy: essentially these feelings were brought about by jealousy, destructive self-worth, selfishness, comparison, and distrust of my Maker. i failed to see what God has placed before me, because i was too worried about what i didn't have.  i was fretting that because i didn't have "this" trait or "these" qualities, i saw myself as unusable.

wrong.

God has placed before us each unique and creative characteristics! look for what God has given you, instead of what he hasn't.  chances are, you have specific qualities in which other brothers and sisters desire. the circle of comparison is vicious if we give into it, stand firm on the foundation and promises of God.  he has blessed you with so much, yet we continue to barely scratch the surface of his blessings because we are blinded.

where is your mission field?

what are your unique qualities?

how are you going to go and make disciples of all the nations?

i am planning to go somewhere, anywhere foreign or domestic over christmas break this year.  if you have ideas or know of any opportunities, please don't hesitate to let me know.  i want to and will go, even if it's across the street.

the process of pursuit

"search for the LORD and for his strength, and keep on searching."
– 1 chronicles 16:11

jesus loves the process of the pursuit. coming to a mature point in your relationship with the true redeemer does not and will not happen over night. it is a relationship that, like your grandparents who have been married for 50 years, will take time to develop, mature, and prosper.  i constantly find myself reevaluating my walk.  some days i sprint with the friend of sinners and other days i am reduce to a simple crawl; yet, when i read in the bible, i continue to find that it is not whether you are a 25-year-old-just born infant in your walk with jesus or a 86-year-old- avid christ follower in the final adult stages of your christ-paved path, but rather that you are constantly AND consistently pursuing the light of the world.  (let me remind you reader that physical age is irrelevant, coming to christ is the key point.  you could be an 86-year-old infant or a 25-year-old adult in christ).  it matters that you are developing an affectionate and intimate relationship and being fed–daily–by the bread of life.  it can be a process that evokes sundry sentiments: pain, liberation, comfort, healing, awakening.

reader, when you pursue (or pursued) a potential spouse, are/were these not the same emotions elicited? jesus is our ultimate lover, a lover that never stops holding us or seeing the potential bound in our hearts.  when you genuinely chase after the heavenly father, how much fulfillment will be granted.

"i'm not saying that i have this all together, that i have it made. but i am well on my way, reaching out for chrsit, who has so wondrously reached out for me.  friends, don't get me wrong: by no means do i count myself an expert in all of this, but i've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward–to jesus. i'm off and running, and i'm not turning back."
–philippians 3:12-14 (MSG)

do you pursue God like have you pursued:
• work • free time • money • perfect grades • exercise • time with your children • goals and ambitions • seeking attention • weight loss • your boyfriend or girlfriend • intimacy with your spouse • gossiping  • approval • vacations • music • physical beauty • shopping • waking up each morning!?

if not, why not?

jesus loves the process of your pursuit.  through the exsposure of your heart, jesus radically transforms it and molds it to his image. in your loneliness, pursue his friendship; in your brokenness, pursue his healing; in your bitterness, pursue his forgiveness; in your prayers, pursue his voice of reason; in your pain, pursue his comfort; in your life, pursue his death.

we are constantly growing when we are constantly seeking.  spiritual maturity is not something that can be automatically acquired or simply obtained.  it is a steadfast and earnest pursuit of the author and perfecter.  you wouldn't go a day without greeting your spouse, brushing your teeth, eating, doing your corporate job, using the restroom.  why do we treat jesus, the savior of our very being, as if he is something to be shelved and contemplated only when we "have time" or are "desparte" or "get sick" or "have heartbreak" or "when it's convenient?"  jesus is to be pursued first and foremost in our lives, above all else.

now, i am in no way claiming to be an expert nor am i stating that i have the process of pursuit down to a religious science, because i don't.  all i can and will attest to and advocate for is that i am diving into the bible daily and have found more relevance and application to my personal life while opening those thin pages than i have ever experienced on Jersey Shore, Oprah, or Desperate Housewives.  the process of pursuit has been painful, liberating, comforting, healing, and given me a sense of awakening to self.  i have found friendship. i have found freedom from the past. i have found consolation. i have found love. i have found a role model and parent. i have found aionios zoe (everlasting life).  

jesus loves the process of my pursuit and i have grown to cherish the process all the same.

Weight Loss Revelation

God showed up, in the strangest of forms: weight loss.

I got the opportunity to talk with a childhood friend's father today, twice, at two different events.  He has  managed to loose an incredible amount of weight, naturally.  He went from roughly 370 pounds to 190 pounds.  Words can not describe how proud I am of him.  Through our conversations today, this is what I have pieced together:

When, let's call him Dave, lost a bunch of weight, it was evident that he had changed.  He had a remarkably different attitude; he looked radiantly healthy; he now held a positive outlook on living his life; Dave's entire lifestyle had improved immensely.  You can visually tell that Dave had undergone a major life change.  I haven't seen Dave in a few years, so the change is stark contrast: day and night almost.  I expected one Dave and got a different one; but his progression of change did not just happen over night.  He began babbling on about how hard the process of keeping the weight off has been, how discouragement and doubt would creep in at times, and how much perseverance he had to have if he truly wanted to fix the condition that was ruining his life one decision at a time.  After asking a plethora of questions, Dave tells me it would have been nearly impossible without ceaseless support and love from others who have walked that journey before.  While rambling, Dave can't help but give me tid bits of advice on how to improve my own health and fitness.  All Dave wants to do is share his life changing story with everyone because he is a completely new person, adding years to his life, doing things he never thought he could.  The old dave is gone after making the right decisions day in and out, and the weight has stayed off because he can not bare to return to his former ways.  He did not try weight loss pills or a quick surgery that promised to melt his pounds away.  No, Dave went back to what has always been true: good diet and exercise.  Truths that never change gave his life back.

Does this sound familiar?

When you accept Jesus as your Lord, the weight of this world is relieved from your shoulders.  Jesus is all you will want to talk or think about, like Dave, you will throw Jesus into any conversation because you want others to the experience the freedom you've found have in Christ. You want others to loose the weight of this world, too.  You are somehow different and people can see a visual difference from who you used to be.  however, your change did not happen overnight.  you wrestled with convictions and questioned whether God really meant everything He said in the bible.  you turned your back in bitterness and anger and you rejected Truth in its most pure form.  you became discouraged when trying to brave this journey alone.  yet, like dave, you needed change or the weight would have soon ended your life.  so you went back to what you knew to have always been true instead of following "feel-good seminars" and "life-changing programs" that only offered temporary weight removal, instead of a change of lifestyle.  you've tried the feel-good number, taking you from high to low from one minute to the next, never fulfilling.  jesus christ, in the life of a genuine believer, is absolutely evident.  your outlook on and purpose for life become meaningful, your demeanor is softened by christ's love, you begin to do the unexpected and unexplainable, your attitude is no longer burdened by what tomorrow may bring, and your lifestyle is shaped through faith.  you are not willing to return to your former life of imprisoning chains because you have the ultimate freedom found only through christ, and like dave, you have those people who have walked the road before you to encourage and lift you up when the occasional set backs occur.  the Truth that never changes gave you back your life.

read again about dave and sip on that java-goodness you're holding in your hand.

amazing isn't it!?

"this means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  the old life is gone; a new life has begun!" –2 corinthians 5:17 [NLT]

are people able see the evidence of jesus living in you? the fruit being produced in your life? a stark contrast between the old (enter name here) and the new (enter name here)?

if not, why not? you will personally know the answer to this question.


let's celebrate our new lives in Christ.  let fireworks rain down for all to know that freedom isn't free.  jesus shed his blood for us. he paid the price for our freedom and salvation.

soli deo gloria