lately

10.27.2013 | No comments

"seek good, and not evil, that you may live; and so the LORD, the God of hosts, will be with you, as you have said. Hate evil, and love good, and establish justice in the gate; it may be that the LORD, the God of hosts, will be gracious to the remnant of Joseph."
-amos 5:14-15
"but God's firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: 'the Lord knows those wh oare his,' and 'let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity'."
-2 timothy 2:19
"better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind."
-eccelesiastes 4:6


the spritual truths of captain phillips

10.20.2013 | No comments

the other night mark and i got to see the movie captain phillips.  we had both been dying (well literally aching with anticipation) to see this movie.  something about the way tom hanks can capture the rawest emotion in his films makes you feel like you are with him on his island, sitting on a park bench waiting for the bus, stuck inside an airport, about to crash a space shuttle, or held hostage by somalian pirates.  regardless of his movie, tom hanks pulls at your heart and (if you're like me) you will find your self wiping away a few rouge tears every once in a while. 

i've been helping out with the youth group at church since the beginning of the year, and though they might think i'm making a difference in their lives, i can assure you that my life has been forever changed by their kids, instead, let's call them my little brothers and sisters. 

so my little brothers and sisters have taught me to look at the world differently.  how?  well they play this "game" of sorts.  find the spiritual truth in everything.  they look at a situation, a game, a movie, a passage, etc and relate the concept back to Christ.  for example: we played musical chairs and when the music stops, you have to find a seat. well, you don't always know when the music is going to stop and if you aren't paying attention, you will be left without a seat.  translate: Christ is going to return one day, and if you are not actively seeking Christ and pursuing love of others, then you will be left without a seat in heaven.  now, i know that is maybe an elementary illustration, but it was neat to hear the different responses of my little family.

so that moves me to the movie captain phillips.  what kind of spiritual truths could i possibly find in a movie where 4 somalian pirates hijack a cargo vessel with a crew of 20 then kidnap and hold the captain hostage in a small life boat? well. keep reading because it's about to get intense.  (regardless of how historically accurate this movie may be, i am writing on behalf of the movie)

captain phillips went about his business as captain of the maerskk alabamaa.  he took precautionary measures and intensified safety drills when he found out his cargo route passed around the horn of Africa, where Somalia is located.  he was well of the dangers in those waters, even receiving conformational emails of heightened piracy in those international waters.  when he saw the pirate skives appear on their doppler, the crew took action.  preparing the vessel so attack would be more difficult.  however, the pirates made contact and hopped aboard the massive ship.  the lives of 20 crewmen were in the control of captain phillips and the somalian "fisherman."   captain does everything trying to deter the somalis but remain unsuccessful.  captain calls on help but help seems far out of reach.  captain phillips tells the pirates they can have 30,000 USD and a lifeboat to get them safely back to the somaliaa coastline, but it wasn't enough.  they kidnap phillips and are motoring to the border.  meanwhile, help has not forgotten them.  the US navy seals prepare for action.  with one man's life now at stake, the navy gets their bells and whistles ready to rescue phillips no matter the cost.   the somalis are a threat to the american captain, and the US navy wants their captain returned safely, without harm.  phillips is running low on morale, energy, life.   he does what i would imagine any one would do in that situation, and he tries to escape while peeing.  he jumps in the water and attempts to swim away but the somalis shoot at him and jump in after him.  he almost drowns and gets dragged back onto the boat and beaten.  he tried to save himself, which is something i can relate to in many much less threatening situations.  in the end, america the beautiful wins and somalian pirates are defeated.

so how does this relate to a spiritual truth? i never mentioned God, jesus, the bible, satan, hell, heaven, repentance, and a long list of other words that cause people to shrill back in fear or fall down in rejoice.  so then what is the spiritual truth? i'm getting there.

all too often we find ourselves aimlessly drifting in life.  we have a destination and we know that it isn’t always going to be easy, yet we journey on and try to avoid conflict and difficult times at all costs. we have the opportunity to be lead our friends, family, coworkers, students, and strangers in a positive or sometimes negative way.  in the end, we could be responsible for more lives than just our own.  so we are on a voyage throughout our lives.  like captain phillips we make sure we protect ourselves from the dangers around us; we double check our doors, go through safety routines, and prepare for the worst.  however, things go awry and devastations occur.  so how do we react?  do we run or do we fight? are we capable of saving ourselves? where is our hope and can we expect trials to come?

we are aware that trials can come. someone suddenly dies, cancer pops up, you miscarry, a tragic car accident happens, you get paralyzed, you go through a divorce, you stub your toe and spout off colorful language, you find yourself looking at inappropriate images, you are alone and drink your worries away. so many things happen in our lives, and i’m not suggesting that life is rainbows and butterflies for me – because it’s anything but that – but i can let you know that i have real struggles and real problems in my life and i don’t plan on fighting them alone.

so pirates come into your life and attempt to steal your happiness, family, friends, joy, life.  what next?

you do the only thing you know how to do.  you do your best to protect those you love and give it a fighting chance. but you can’t do it alone and you situation ends up kidnapping you and stealing you away from all that you knew.  you find yourself in a new place, with new friends, with new images, with new circumstances, with new lovers, with new experiences, with new struggles, with a plethora of other “new’s” that you didn’t anticipate crossing your path.  maybe it was intentional, maybe it “just happened,” but regardless, here you are, stuck in a lifeboat meant to preserve your life and instead your life is being sucked away from you.  the pirates have taken you and you’re not sure if you will ever lead the same life again.

you’re tired of being held captive.  you muster enough strength to try and make a get-away.  for a breathe of fresh air you try to escape the binds of the enslavers.  you jump and swim away as fast as your wounded body allows, but the pirates shoot.  your circumstance comes right back to you, in your face, you cannot escape by your own power.  your circumstances follow and try to drown you. it holds you under and you are forced to climb aboard the U.S.S. DEATH SENTENCE. 

but a glimpse of hope, help comes. you see the Light and it has come to rescue you.  before, you were unsure of your future.  what was going to happen to you?  though the lifeboat is glum, the sheer appearance of help gave you something to hold on to.  you communicate with this Help in almost a secret language, “tell my family i am in seat 15.”  a secret language you and the Help are only aware of.  you’ve communicated your situation and expressed your deepest concerns.  the Light has seen you in your most vulnerable and is willing to sacrifice everything to redeem you from your pirates.

this is exactly what Christ has done for us.  he saw us at our worst, in our most helpless, wretched state but he shined his Light upon us and sacrificed EVERYTHING just to rescue us, to redeem us from the pirates, the darkness, the filth. to restore us to our position as captain to His navy – something we were not (and never will be) capable of doing on our own.  when our pirates’ power gets overthrown, we have to take off our blindfold and accept the rescue.  we would be foolish to deny the help of the united states navy, so why do we refuse the rescue of Jesus Christ when we poured out his life, he traded his life for ours.  he willingly put himself on the lifeboat full of pirates and became a hostage for us.

when we finally realize how close we were to death, we fall silent, in shock, unable to speak.  the cost of the rescue did not come cheap and nor was it easy, but it was the only option.  saving you was the only option. your life is forever changed and even though you may go back out on the waters, you know that help is on its way.  you are better prepared, you have hope, you can journey through uncharted waters with a peace.

“for by grace you have been saved through faith.  and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast.”
ephesians 2:8-9

“the true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.  He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him.  He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. but to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.”
john 1:9-13

"he is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world."
1 john 2:2

"the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."
john 1:5

"but when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. therefore it says, awake of sleep and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
ephesians 5: 13-14

i've been absent but not absent-minded: faith

6.10.2013 | 4 comments

sharing some quiet time with
my sweet friend aubrey
at 929
there is a new coffee shop in town.  it's called 929 coffee bar.  it's a mix between urban young professions and rural barn life.  not that i would define myself as a hipster in any sense of the word, but if that's your cup of tea, this is "hipster paradise."  where has the time gone? it's no secret that i have not blogged in, oh, a few days.  ok, weeks.  no no, it has most definitely been several months since i have sat down at a computer and spilled what i've been learning.  do you want an excuse for my absence? i don't really have one, unless being a collegiate athlete who teaches biology labs and finds time to finish class work in the mean time is an excuse.  but i didn't think that really counted.

where did i leave off?  oh it was something controversial about girls and guys not being able to be close friends without some underlying emotion.  we can discuss that more on that blog post. and i am still in the process of writing a reverse post, the affect of men on women, don't think i am some woman-hater. i realize it can work both ways.

where have i been since then?  well, let's see.  i went through serious caffeine withdraws (similar to what i imagine a cocaine addict in rehab would feel) as i entered into a state of zombiedom during the lenten season. i finished my collegiate running career.  i started discipling a sweet high school girl.  i finished my first year of graduate school. i lost a march madness bracket steak dinner bet. i made homemade spaghetti and meatballs for mark and i's 6 month anniversary (i know, right).  i cleaned out the back of my closet–that section of clothes we never, ever wear yet we convince ourselves that maybe possibly one day we will really wear it–well, i finally got rid of that. i have dog sitted? sat? 3 different dogs. read a few books like "love does" and "follow me". and my hair has grown nearly an inch. (insert pat on the back here)

taylor, my mentee (2012-2013)
entering her sophomore yr @ MSU
summer missionary in vancouver, ca
so where am i now?  that's a really great question.  sometimes i have a difficult time answering that myself.  maybe you are (or have been) in that situation.  you see, i am at a crossroads in my life.  somewhere between wanting to do what i want to do and giving complete control to jesus.  i think we too often idealize giving control to jesus and making him the lord, boss, master of our lives.  it's something you say and fail to put into action.  and when i say "you" i don't mean to point the finger at you, dear reader.  it's just a general term, mostly directed square at me.  so i've been focusing on the joy that comes when you surrender to Christ daily.  it's not a one time deal, it's an every day and every breath decision.

i have at most one more year until i complete my master's degree.  i have to do a one year internship in order to graduate.  the internship can be paid or unpaid, obviously, a paid internship is more appealing and my first option.  however, anxiety started flooding, i'm talking grade 6 anxiety rapids coursing through my mind.  i failed to let Christ be my guide and i set out to figure this whole internship out myself.  sure, i found a job, but for a first-year, my expertise is being taken advantage of.  no one likes being taken advantage of.  i'd rather work for 6 months unpaid than go through that misery. there are potentially other jobs, i am just waiting to hear back.  that's when i just begrudgingly said, "God, i don't know what you even want from me, but fine i'll do it." yeah, i got an attitude with God.  i don't recommend this, ever.  through prayer and conversations with people i highly respect and know they are concerned with my sanctification process, i am going to do an unpaid internship.  there is such a peace about it.  sure, i won't be getting paid and i may be living off of ramen noodles for the next 6 months, but i'm eager for this growing opportunity not only professionally, but for the growth spiritually. i was reminded by a friend that often times the happiest people are poor because they are not controlled by the things they have or do not have.

i wish i could write down all the ways in which God has prepared me for this upcoming season of financial stress.  like, i got offered multiple free meals, i found tons of coupons, the church gave me left over food, and the list goes on.  it's seriously weird.  i am looking for God to show up in every situation.  when you expect him to provide and to show up, man, he really does.  it's evident.  now, this may sound idealistic because there have certainly been times where i have cried out to God and all i am left with is crickets and tears.  but through looking in the rearview mirror, it wasn't that God didn't reach out to comfort me or lead it, it was just that i wasn't sensitive to how he was moving at that time.  those empty times when it seems like God couldn't be further away, he does some of the greatest work in our lives.  

vbs summer 2013
colossal coaster
pre-k boys
i'm reading through the gospels.  i am baffled at the faith the people display in matthew and mark's account of jesus.  let's take the women who was hemorrhaging for 12 years.  as a woman who struggles to endure 5 days of this torture, i can not imagine the physical depletion and isolation she must have experienced.  she believes that if she could just touch his robe!!! that she would be healed.  his robe!!!  are you serious? jesus asks in mark 5:30, "who touched me?"  the disciples reply how i would have replied, "uh, jesus, you're in a crowd, and there are people everywhere!"  have you ever been in a crowded subway? have you ever been at a standing-room-only concert? yeah, super jammed packed you can hardly breathe. this is the kind of crowd i imagine jesus is in.  people bumping up against every inch of your body and it's uncomfortable.  so jesus says, "who touched me? i felt my healing power go out from me!"  wow, what faith from this woman.  jesus tells the unclean, outcast of a woman that her faith has made her well.  jesus heals her because she believed that he could heal her.  this woman's faith is not the only display of faith that completely convicts me.  in matthew 8, a servant is paralyzed and his master, a highly regarded roman official, tells jesus that if he would just speak the words that his servant would be healed.  and boom, the dude is healed because of the faith of the guy he worked for.  jesus is amazed by this type of faith.

i wonder if jesus marvels at the faith i have in him.  if i'm honest, i bet not.  too many times i put my prerogative above his.  too many times my focus is on what makes me happy, how i can live a better life, how i can make tomorrow less stressful.  let me be clear, i'm not trying to impress jesus with my faith. my righteousness is but filthy rags in the first place (isaiah 64:6).  but i'm learning what it means to empty myself and trust that jesus knows best. that's growing my faith. we can fool ourselves and say that we got it down, that our faith is perfected, and that we know how to go through the imaginary steps  of outwardly looking the part, but truly growing our faith is a lifelong process.  i want to move mountains, i want to touch jesus' robe, i want jesus to just speak.  that is the faith i am hungry for.  

MIAserable

1.04.2013 | 8 comments

the holiday season is coming to a close, and with that, i return to a place far warmer than my native indiana.  it is true that i have over consumed coffee (shocker) and chocolate and far too many other sweets i'd rather not say (ugh!).  though i can dance around a destructive past and i can make any agonizing war sound remotely insignificant, it is time i got real with myself (and you).

i can not remember the last time i threw up in an attempt to feel better about myself.  i can not remember the last time things spiraled out of control. i can not remember the last time i restricted my meals so i could binge with out feeling the after affects of my destructive decision.  that is probably a good thing.  it has been over a year since i crawled across the ceramic floor to hug my enemy.  no forced purging, and all the glory be to God for this strength.

but now i'm sitting at my kitchen island in the pitch black of night in tears over what seems like a never ending cycle.  not only have i made excuses for over eating nearly every meal the past two months, but others also make excuses for me with comments like, "renee don't worry you run it off" , "you are such a stick anyway" , "don't worry you can afford a few pounds."  those comments may seem helpful or harmless, but in fact do more damage to my mentality.  you see, i don't run it off and i haven't run it off.  now before you think i am over-exaggerating and crying for no reason, please put yourself in my shoes for the past 5-6 years (sparing you all the details, unless you really want to know then click here).  i am currently numb–my body and my heart, as well as my desire.  each run (or even thought of a run) is nearly a stab at my soul and a slash at my heart.  this is not a can-run/can't-run thing.  this is a self-control issue and i am losing all aspects of it. my college career is fading quickly, and well, quite frankly, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation.



self-control is a fruit of the spirit.  though i may not possess much self-control, there is some seed of self-control within me because the holy spirit lives within.  despite these inherent truths, my emotions are still there and are fueled by lies formulated by the enemy.  though i am aware, i feel defeated.  though i know i am not defeated, that is how i feel.

alone. stupid. isolated. defeated. transparent. ugly. fat. heavy. tired. angry. bitter. lonely. 

lieslieslieslieslieslieslieslieslieslies. 

i know. 
1 corinthians 10:12-13
i am tired of this cycle.   though i refuse to slip back into my old ways and i refuse to feed my sinful nature by letting bulimia control me again, i am flirting all to often with destructive behaviors capable of  pushing me over the edge.  i am tired and i am miserable.  i just thought i would be a little more transparent today to let you know that if you are struggling with something and you somehow have found this blog, you're not alone.  if you think being a christ-follower means that some how your life will be magically struggle-less and pain-free, you're mistaken; however, there is a deep and eternal hope for those who put their trust in (and apply) the word of God.  if you some how thought i "had it all together" or that my life was somehow "perfect" and void of hardships, you've never been more wrong.  i just needed to shatter an image if that was the one i portrayed.

happy 18th birthday cierra | charity : water

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my dear friend cierra, who i have had the pleasure of knowing over instagram via @cierramonae, is turning 18 years old on january 20, 2013. instead of being showered with presents this year, cierra has decided she wants to raise money to dig a well in ethiopia and raise awareness about the lack of water supply around the world. it's extremely hard for us to imagine not having water at the connivence of our american homes, but so many people around the world must walk hours just to get water.

please click the link below to join cierra by donating $18 for her 18th birthday. i'm so honored to share in her birthday this way. happy birthday cierra. your maturity and compassion for others is humbling and quite encouraging.