lonely.

this morning i awoke from a night of utter loneliness and instantly, as if somehow programed in my robotic brain, i brewed my dark-raost, bold in my personal handcrafted heart mug.  instant coffee, instant comfort.  i was exhausted in every way possible when i crawled out of bed and unmotivated to do just about everything, and everything.  last night, i wanted to be alone, i wanted everyone to go away, but i wanted the comfort, i wanted the security, i wanted the warmth of someone who cared.  instead, i remained lonely.  i was angry because i was alone, but conversely, i was angry because i wanted to be alone.  i was angry that i was so tired and lifeless, and i was angry because i felt isolated from my friends who went to a party. i make absolutely no sense at all. 

my eyes have been opened wide and i am seeing myself for who i really am, my weaknesses are exposed, and there are faults i am no longer able to cover up or excuse with simple phrases and people.  

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness"
-2 corinthians 12:9a

people perceive me to be one thing, a person with 'x' amount of goodness, but they only know half of me.  let me spell it out for you, Reader.  along with all the good traits, qualities, characteristics, fruit that i know are ingrained in my very being, are so these weaknesses and flaws.  

usually, when loneliness ensues and i find someone to cheer me up. i talk to a girlfriend or consume myself in studies, i text a guy or i numb my mind on the couch. none of which are bad things in and of themselves, but are not sufficient in dealing with load-bearing loneliness.  

loneliness. it's human, right?

how i deal with loneliness is my sick weakness in need of reshaping.  i am tired of searching for a means of security through other people and what they have to offer me.  i am tired of texting a guy just waiting on a response to see if i move left or right, actions defined by someone else, only to be longing for another few meaningless words on a illuminated cell phone screen.  it is only ripping my emotions to shreds. i listen to songs that tell me i am pretty and that tell me i am better off alone any way, initially giving me hope and then letting me down when the stereo high fades.  i am tired of talking to a girlfriend who just fills me up with malicious words of another, which initially build me up but only leave me broken for other people.  it wears me thin. i am tired of wasting time striving for perfection in my studies only to receive a sub-par mark. i am not a perfect 4.0.  i am tired of producing nothing beneficial from hours in front of the tube, i gain a few laughs here and there but then they are quickly gone. stealing smiles from a few actors who will never know my name. pointless and meaningless. loneliness closes in, a seemingly never ending cycle.

loneliness. how do i combat this ever growing shot to the heart?

as i said, there are plenty of things that just temporarily fill me up and satisfy my immediate craving for attention or fill my most recent void.  however, they are few and fleeting, usually leading to a series of bad decisions.  

"give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you."
-1 peter 5:7

when i am lonely, my first instinct is not to turn to God when i know it should be.  this realization leads me to retreat further and further, unworthy of God's comfort and love. 

because i am working on starving my weaknesses and cravings, i am drawing closer to the Lord in the process.  because where there were 7 strings pulling me every which way, now only a few strings remain attached to my heart.  i am working ever so diligently, with minor set backs here and there, to pluck those strings off my heart and sealing those gaps with God's grace only, not with empty text messages or tv shows. 

"keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for.  keep on looking, and you will find. keep on knocking and the door will be opened. for everyone who asks, receives. everyone who seeks, finds. and the door is opened to everyone who knocks."
-matthew 7:7-8

but loneliness?

i suppose it is human to get lonely from time to time and crave the presence of someone tangible. i do it hourly.  but i am focused on making these heart strings disappear one by one until the only string is the One that forces me to call on the Lord when i find myself isolated.


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do you ever get lonely? 
how do you deal with it?
did this post make any sense to you?




please comment below
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