we do what we shouldn't, and we know it

as you may or may not be aware, it is my goal to read through the bible in one year.  though i have started this feat numerous times, i succumb to the false pleasures of this world and neglect bible with only a few short months. my bible sits there and collects dust, i give in to my desires and i turn my back on the perfect peace that comes with quiet time in the Lord.  this is going to be the year, and this blog is going to help me on accountability. i'm not trying to sound high and mighty, because if anyone knows me, i have had my fair share of short-comings. i just want to grow in all the right ways on my way to becoming who i was destined to become.

a few days ago in genesis 28, a verse stood out to me because isaac commanded his sons not to get involved with canaanite women. isaac only wanted the best for his sons, isaac wanted his sons to marry suitable mates. now, it was customary for families to intermarry and keep close ties with one another through forming a large family and through faith in God.  marrying someone outside of choice could have huge complications not only immediately following the marriage, but for years to come.  in genesis 28, isaac makes it clear that esau is not to marry a canaanite; however, in genesis 36, esau enters into a union with canaanite women.

this got me thinking.

why would esau deliberately marry women of whom which his father so much disapproved and detested?

then, this got me thinking even more.

"well renee," i thought, "isn't this a beautiful depiction of your entire life?" i already knew the answer to this rhetoric.

dear reader, when someone tells you NOT to do something, what is your very FIRST inclination?

obviously, TO DO IT!

and why?

because we are stubborn people and we like to do things on our own. often times our advice-givers are just trying to save us heart ache, save us time, save us pain, and even save our lives; yet, we refuse any ounce of assistance because our false sense of invincibility reaches an all time high only to leave us broken and alone when the invincibility shield fades. with invincibility there is no comfort, not now not ever.

i was told not to date for a year. i was told to use that year as an opportunity to grow, to learn, to rely fully on God to pull me through loneliness, to advance friendships. i was told NOT to get into a relationship.

so (enter awkwardly long pause) i got into a relationship.

and i knew i shouldn't have.....

and it not only failed, it failed miserably, bitterly. not only did i have to swallow my pride and say, "yeah, you knew better, you knew i wasn't ready, you knew this was not the best thing for me," (which is my biggest weakness) but i also had to crawl through darkness and pain and tears and anger just to see the Light again.

this all could have been avoided.  i'm not discrediting the growth that came with walk through the darkness, i just want to reiterate how much more i could have grown had i not tried to be all-powerful and self-sufficient.

it doesn't have to be a getting into or out of a relationship.  it could be a major life decision, visiting a place or a friend. it could be taking advice when told not to eat a certain food or do a certain thing. it could be spending time with loved ones, it could be caring about your body more, it could be schooling or not spending so much time on one occurrence such as video games.  it could be a plethora of ideals and will look different for each and every person, yet we turn the other cheek and try to accomplish these feats without regard to others' time or feeling, and more importantly, without respect to God.

it just baffles me when looking back on this great book of Love, the bible, and putting every puzzle piece together, other people's real life struggles become evident.  we learn from them and think, "duh! why would you EVER do that!?" yet we still (or at least i do) fall short every single time i try to do something in my own time.  not that i, or anyone for that matter, can see the perfect rainbow promised to be formed after traveling through the eye of the perfect storm which is our lives, but it is encouraging that here i am not alone in doing what i know i should not be doing. i should not feel defeated at any point.  because of this, i strive to walk only when and where God leads me, but knowing that even if i trip a few times and scrap my knees, i can get back up because God will still be ready to walk with me forever.