i've been absent but not absent-minded: faith

sharing some quiet time with
my sweet friend aubrey
at 929

there is a new coffee shop in town.  it's called 929 coffee bar.  it's a mix between urban young professions and rural barn life.  not that i would define myself as a hipster in any sense of the word, but if that's your cup of tea, this is "hipster paradise."  where has the time gone? it's no secret that i have not blogged in, oh, a few days.  ok, weeks.  no no, it has most definitely been several months since i have sat down at a computer and spilled what i've been learning.  do you want an excuse for my absence? i don't really have one, unless being a collegiate athlete who teaches biology labs and finds time to finish class work in the mean time is an excuse.  but i didn't think that really counted.

where did i leave off?  oh it was something controversial about girls and guys not being able to be close friends without some underlying emotion.  we can discuss that more on that blog post. and i am still in the process of writing a reverse post, the affect of men on women, don't think i am some woman-hater. i realize it can work both ways.

where have i been since then?  well, let's see.  i went through serious caffeine withdraws (similar to what i imagine a cocaine addict in rehab would feel) as i entered into a state of zombiedom during the lenten season. i finished my collegiate running career.  i started discipling a sweet high school girl.  i finished my first year of graduate school. i lost a march madness bracket steak dinner bet. i made homemade spaghetti and meatballs for mark and i's 6 month anniversary (i know, right).  i cleaned out the back of my closet–that section of clothes we never, ever wear yet we convince ourselves that maybe possibly one day we will really wear it–well, i finally got rid of that. i have dog sitted? sat? 3 different dogs. read a few books like "love does" and "follow me". and my hair has grown nearly an inch. (insert pat on the back here)

taylor, my mentee (2012-2013)
entering her sophomore yr @ MSU
summer missionary in vancouver, ca

so where am i now?  that's a really great question.  sometimes i have a difficult time answering that myself.  maybe you are (or have been) in that situation.  you see, i am at a crossroads in my life.  somewhere between wanting to do what i want to do and giving complete control to jesus.  i think we too often idealize giving control to jesus and making him the lord, boss, master of our lives.  it's something you say and fail to put into action.  and when i say "you" i don't mean to point the finger at you, dear reader.  it's just a general term, mostly directed square at me.  so i've been focusing on the joy that comes when you surrender to Christ daily.  it's not a one time deal, it's an every day and every breath decision.

i have at most one more year until i complete my master's degree.  i have to do a one year internship in order to graduate.  the internship can be paid or unpaid, obviously, a paid internship is more appealing and my first option.  however, anxiety started flooding, i'm talking grade 6 anxiety rapids coursing through my mind.  i failed to let Christ be my guide and i set out to figure this whole internship out myself.  sure, i found a job, but for a first-year, my expertise is being taken advantage of.  no one likes being taken advantage of.  i'd rather work for 6 months unpaid than go through that misery. there are potentially other jobs, i am just waiting to hear back.  that's when i just begrudgingly said, "God, i don't know what you even want from me, but fine i'll do it." yeah, i got an attitude with God.  i don't recommend this, ever.  through prayer and conversations with people i highly respect and know they are concerned with my sanctification process, i am going to do an unpaid internship.  there is such a peace about it.  sure, i won't be getting paid and i may be living off of ramen noodles for the next 6 months, but i'm eager for this growing opportunity not only professionally, but for the growth spiritually. i was reminded by a friend that often times the happiest people are poor because they are not controlled by the things they have or do not have.

i wish i could write down all the ways in which God has prepared me for this upcoming season of financial stress.  like, i got offered multiple free meals, i found tons of coupons, the church gave me left over food, and the list goes on.  it's seriously weird.  i am looking for God to show up in every situation.  when you expect him to provide and to show up, man, he really does.  it's evident.  now, this may sound idealistic because there have certainly been times where i have cried out to God and all i am left with is crickets and tears.  but through looking in the rearview mirror, it wasn't that God didn't reach out to comfort me or lead it, it was just that i wasn't sensitive to how he was moving at that time.  those empty times when it seems like God couldn't be further away, he does some of the greatest work in our lives.  

vbs summer 2013
colossal coaster
pre-k boys

i'm reading through the gospels.  i am baffled at the faith the people display in matthew and mark's account of jesus.  let's take the women who was hemorrhaging for 12 years.  as a woman who struggles to endure 5 days of this torture, i can not imagine the physical depletion and isolation she must have experienced.  she believes that if she could just touch his robe!!! that she would be healed.  his robe!!!  are you serious? jesus asks in mark 5:30, "who touched me?"  the disciples reply how i would have replied, "uh, jesus, you're in a crowd, and there are people everywhere!"  have you ever been in a crowded subway? have you ever been at a standing-room-only concert? yeah, super jammed packed you can hardly breathe. this is the kind of crowd i imagine jesus is in.  people bumping up against every inch of your body and it's uncomfortable.  so jesus says, "who touched me? i felt my healing power go out from me!"  wow, what faith from this woman.  jesus tells the unclean, outcast of a woman that her faith has made her well.  jesus heals her because she believed that he could heal her.  this woman's faith is not the only display of faith that completely convicts me.  in matthew 8, a servant is paralyzed and his master, a highly regarded roman official, tells jesus that if he would just speak the words that his servant would be healed.  and boom, the dude is healed because of the faith of the guy he worked for.  jesus is amazed by this type of faith.

i wonder if jesus marvels at the faith i have in him.  if i'm honest, i bet not.  too many times i put my prerogative above his.  too many times my focus is on what makes me happy, how i can live a better life, how i can make tomorrow less stressful.  let me be clear, i'm not trying to impress jesus with my faith. my righteousness is but filthy rags in the first place (isaiah 64:6).  but i'm learning what it means to empty myself and trust that jesus knows best. that's growing my faith. we can fool ourselves and say that we got it down, that our faith is perfected, and that we know how to go through the imaginary steps  of outwardly looking the part, but truly growing our faith is a lifelong process.  i want to move mountains, i want to touch jesus' robe, i want jesus to just speak.  that is the faith i am hungry for.  

happy 18th birthday cierra | charity : water

my dear friend cierra, who i have had the pleasure of knowing over instagram via @cierramonae, is turning 18 years old on january 20, 2013. instead of being showered with presents this year, cierra has decided she wants to raise money to dig a well in ethiopia and raise awareness about the lack of water supply around the world. it's extremely hard for us to imagine not having water at the connivence of our american homes, but so many people around the world must walk hours just to get water.

please click the link below to join cierra by donating $18 for her 18th birthday. i'm so honored to share in her birthday this way. happy birthday cierra. your maturity and compassion for others is humbling and quite encouraging. 

charity : water

snowpocalypse

some people live where snow is a foreign concept.  thankfully, i do not have that misfortune.  i am quite in tune to the magic and awe –and the dangers and fears–of snow. every winter, the weather man promised countless snow days so i could go sledding instead of write essays and build snow forts instead of crunching numbers in calculus.  with all the splendor of snow, it comes as no suprise that snow yields real dangers.  the other day we got 10" of snow.  maybe you have never had the privilege–yes i say previelege–of shoveling 10" of snow off the drive way, but i could barely get out of bed the next morning i was so sore. (waahoo!) driving conditions are near impossible and buisnesses around town are shut down.  it doesn't matter how "good" your snow plows are and it doesn't matter how "fast" the salt trucks dump salt on the roads, you're not leaving your house when snow is coming down an inch every hour.  there were countless wrecks yesterday and many people lost their lives out in the weather conditions. in the midst of laughing and jovial times, there is always weeping and mourning.

you know, there is a lot to be learned from the snow.

the weather man gives us clear warning that the snow is coming.  do we believe him this time? do we take him at his word–which is usually only 60% correct at-best?  regardless, he studies maps and patterns and trends in the weather.  it is apparent that something is coming our way.  a snow storm.  he tells us the snow will arrive around 3AM and will last late into the afternoon.  he warns that it could be anywhere from 6" at the least and 15" at the most (sure, a safe range) and to get ready, be prepared.  still, he believes it is coming, even if we don't.

so what happens....?

some people head to the store immediately to stock up on the essentials–they are preparing themselves a few days in advance for what is expected.  they leave no room for doubts.

some people head to the store last minute and are left disappointed because all the shelves are empty.  now they nit-pick through leftovers or leave empty handed.  if only they had gotten there sooner they could have picked what they really wanted,

yet, still, some people avoid the store all together.  "the weatherman is full–of–it again." they think the storm will pass quickly or that the weatherman has exaggerated the affects or that the snow won't even appear.

well, the storm happened.  it snowed a heavy and blustery 10 inches.  it. just. kept. coming. down.

dont wait until "the time is right"
you will leave empty handed

...what if we applied snowpocalyse 101 to a having relationship with jesus? 

no no no, stay with me and please hear me out. 

jesus christ, our weatherman, is coming back like a thief in the night.  (1 thessalonians 5:2 and revelation 16:15) you know as well as i do that some people go to the store often and may even have crisis-packs stored in their basement in anticipation, some wait til the last minute to grab the essentials, and some avoid the store all together.  where and who are you on a spiritual level?

do you live expectantly for the return of jesus christ, apply the word of God to every aspect of your life, and have an intimate and personal relationship with jesus christ?  society may calls these people jesus freaks, christ-followers, bible thumpers, weirdoes, religious fruitcakes.

have you waited  until you were diagnosed with a terminal illness to figure out the true freedom in jesus of the bible? did you grow up in the church and get lured into the fascinations this world has to offer? have you been burned or found that this jesus "isn't for you"?  have you ever thought that after you've "had your fun and fair share of mistakes" you will come back to church because YOLO...right!?  most people in this position will call themselves "christians," semi-religious, spiritually aware, in tune with themselves.

or are you a person is who is simply disinterested all together? maybe you think the snow storm is coming, but eh, it's just another storm.  people may call themselves apathetic, agnostic, atheist, .

regardless of what society labels you or what you yourself have deemed of utmost importance, there is a blatant warning that the storm is coming...and coming soon.  THERE IS A STORM COMING and unlike a snow storm on christmas night, we have absolutely no clue when this is going to happen.  (revelation 3:10, 1 thessalonians 4:15-18, 2 thessalonians 2:1-6, titus 2:13, 1 corinthians 15:52).

does it not make since to prepare and to anticipate this? to know him? you wouldn't just walk down the aisle to meet your husband without having first met him.  no, as a little girl you dream of the day you meet your prince charming and you two live happily ever after.  this is imprinted on your heart as an american girl and you forever look forward to your wedding day.  on a different scale, the return of jesus is the same.  our divine Husband is coming for us. from the minute we learn of jesus we have the ability to say yes i want you, i'm interested, who are you? or no i don't need you, i don't want you (you theologians can debate my last sentence, but as far as i am concerned, we can choose jesus or choose to live in sin; romans 6:16-18).

so have you prepared for the storm?

"once we too were foolish and disoobedient. we were misled by others and became slaves to many wicked desires and evil pleasures.  our lives were full of evil and envy. we hated others, and they hated us. but then God our SAvior shows us his kindness and love.  he saves us, not because of the good things we did, but because of his mercy. he washed away our sins and gave us a new life through the holy spirit. he generously poured out the spirit upon us because of what jesus christ our savior did. he declared us not guilty because of his great kindness.  and now we know that we will inherit eternal life." –titus 3:3-7