Raw emotions: Pregnancy

My love of coffee (or at least my palate for lattes) has returned.  My favorite drink right now taste like liquid cinnamon teddy grahams.  From Starbucks, I highly recommend getting a non-fat toasted graham latte with 2 pumps cinnamon dolce syrup.  Taste. Enjoy and then thank me.

Before I start writing, I want you to know that it is not my intent to offend anyone on the topic of pregnancy.  I realize that everyone has their own frustrations, complications, and feelings on the topic of growing a watermelon within.  I simply want to express my raw feelings for what they are or were.  There are a myriad of feelings racing through my mind daily, and I feel as if they change as quickly, as drastically, and as often as the weather here in Mississippi.  Please take my words as my feelings, and nothing more.  I realize that everyone has a different story.  Some are happy.  Some are sad.  Then there is my story: a messy mixture of fear, happiness, anger, delight, disgust, uneasiness, and the unknown.

I found out that I was pregnant on March 2, just a few short days before our first anniversary as a married couple.  To say that I was shocked and surprised is an absolute understatement.  I was bewildered.  I did not know how to tell Mark that he was gonna be a dad, because to be honest, I didn't even know how to comprehend the magnitude of it myself.  I didn't know how to let something like the fact that there is a human being growing inside of me sink in.  So I didn't tell him at all.  I just laid on the couch after dinner in between episodes of Friends crying in his lap like the hysterical, emotional mess that I was.  After no words would come out of my mouth, Mark simply guessed that I was pregnant.  Thank goodness he guess because I'm not sure I could have said those words out loud.  It would have made it too real in the moment, and I don't think I could have handled it.  He was elated, and I instantly fed off of his excitement.  I knew he would be thrilled, but there was this (I thought shared) expectation that a baby would be welcomed in our house after some two years of being married.  Well, welcome baby, you came early, and we are going to be your parents.

"The heart of man plans his ways, but the Lord establishes his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9 ESV 

There are several emotions that go through a woman's head when she finds out she is pregnant.  For most women, I imagine they are euphoric and instilled with awe and wonder of motherhood.  For me, I was immediately terrified.  I couldn't imagine going through the roller coaster of peeing on a stick and watching those two blue bars appear without having someone to tell you that it's gonna be okay.

I know I may sound ungrateful and selfish and hypocritical and insane throughout this post, but there are so many emotions that I have had to process through this entire 9 month journey.


Surprise
Never underestimate the element of surprise.  This surprise led to so many more emotions that I felt as if I was going insane and needed to be medicated.  Ezra's existence was not exactly planned by Mark and I, which is beautiful in itself, but I found out quickly how human plans don't uphold but nothing thwarts the Lord's plan.  I find immense comfort in the fact that God is never surprised.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."
-Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

Sadness/Disgust
This is a real, raw emotion I have felt several times and I don't want it to mask any of the others, nor do I wish you to read too far into what I write.  There have been moments of absolute breakdown and ugly cries because I am sad.  My body changed.  My world is about to change.  It is never going to be Mark and I again, and as much as people tell me that it will be better than anything I ever knew before, there is still that element of fear and sadness that loom because I have never taken this step before.  Please don't think I am lunatic because I am sad, it happens, and maybe some people even say it is normal.  Yes, my life is going to change dramatically, I know.

Fear/Anxiety
As I have said, fear hangs its hat sometimes.  Am I going to be a good mom?  What about discipline in the middle of the grocery store?  Is the child going to like me at all?  What about other moms who don't do things like me? Is my marriage going to be a best friend relationship still?  What if Mark likes the baby more than me?  What if I start trying to mother my husband? Am I going to be able to handle working and being a wife and being a mom?  Is my body going to go back to normal?  Will this pain and lump in my groin ever go away?

I think the fear I have mostly is from the unknown.  Unnecessarily worrying about things over which I have zero percent control.  Simply just typing these questions out makes me want to cry.  I know there is no room for fear in the Christ-follower's heart.  Mark has encouraged me to start my day with talking to the Lord and telling him all my fears.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper times he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
-1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV

Anger
My anger is selfish.  Maybe you're not pregnant, but your mental plan of A.B.C. didn't exactly check out the way you anticipated.  That's where I am.  I don't even know what my plan was, but I didn't see "giving birth to a human and living happily ever after" on the near radar.  I truly was angry, and it made me even angrier to see everyone so happy for us.  I felt like I was closed up on the inside, looked behind my emotions, and I had to put this mask on pretending to be just as excited as everyone else when really I hadn't reached that emotion yet.  I have repented of this anger and the Lord is faithful and just to forgive me of my anger (1 John 1:9).

"Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil."
-Psalm 37:8 ESV

Happiness
By trade I maybe should have been a mother in the first place.  In high school and throughout college I was always referred to as the Mother Hen.  I deeply care for those younger than me and want to see them make the right decisions.  I am incredibly protective, but understand that some life lessons have to be learned on your own.  It makes me so happy that the Lord has chosen me to be the mother of this little human inside me.  No one else, me.  He wanted this little boy to grow up in the presence of Mark and I.  He planned that.  He knew that.  That is comforting, yet also incredibly terrifying.  Me, I know how much I suck at life some times.

Anticipation
Currently there are five and a half weeks standing between this little growing human bean and the outside world (if he cooks until his due date).  We are anxious to meet this nugget and have tried to ready his nursery as best as we can.  I am excited, the possibilities that once grew into unchecked fear are now excitement and elation. The possibilities are endless.

Trust
After much quiet time with the Lord and seeking wisdom from the ladies in my d-group, these emotions you could categorize as negative were birthed simply out of not trusting the Lord.  I was not trusting that the Lord could handle my situation.  I wanted control of the outcome of my life, which is not how it works.  Now I know that the Lord's ways are so much higher than mine, and so are his thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).  I know that the Lord is going to lead me through this unforeseeable future of motherhood.  He doesn't expect me to be perfect.  He doesn't expect me to get it right the first time.  What he desires over anything is for me to trust that He knows best and for me to follow his lead. I don't have to fall into the trap of being the perfect mom, because whatever the Lord gives me in motherhood will be perfect for my child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

I am trusting that I will learn more about God's sovereignty.  I am trusting that I will learn more of God's deep, deep love for us, his children as I raise my own child.  I trust that I will learn just how much God cares for me as I will see how giving up a child could be so hard, yet that is exactly what God did through Christ so that I may live in eternal community with him.

"Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!"
-Romans 11:33

As wacky and messed up as my feelings may seem at times, I think I will miss the rib kicks, waking up at 2 AM because I lost my pillow, the inability to eat as much food as I used to, and oddly enough, the aching pain/hernia/ligament/lump in my groin which doesn't allow me to walk or run.  I will miss these because I know it is bringing something far better.  And for all the emotions I have now, I know there are far more to be had.  Through it all, I will trust in the Lord's unfailing love.

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Our story all started with a cup of coffee...

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Assurance of Salvation

My taste for coffee has returned.  What a blessing.  I still can not consume bottomless cups of black coffee like I could pre-pregnancy, but at least the smell and taste are not repulsive.  It has been a long 5.5 months without coffee.

I'm at 929 coffee bar, where Mark and I had our wedding reception, drinking an iced, non-fat, vanilla latte.  I am pondering over obedience to Christ, freedom in Christ, ultimate joy in Christ, and the assurance of salvation.

Has doubt ever crept into your mind and festered there to where it has bothered you so much?  Maybe it was about his goodness and faithfulness.  Maybe it was about God's promises for your life or his word.  Maybe, if yo hare like me, doubts creep in about your salvation.

"In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."
-Ephesians 1:13

Doubts aren't necessarily a bad thing if they cause you to cling closer and harder to Christ.  In spite of doubt, you know God's truths but it's hard to take accept it some times.

God promises that we are his children when we believe that we are in need of a savior because we are a fallen people.  When we believe that Jesus Christ, his perfect Son, is that savior who died a criminal's death in our place, we are counted as his heirs.  When we repent of our sins and turn to Jesus for that redemption, we are his children.  We are to believe into the saving grace of Jesus Christ, trust that Christ's plan for our lives is better and far more rewarding that anything this world could offer.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved-and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kinds toward us in Christ Jesus.  For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand."
-Ephesians 2:4-10

However, doubt still creeps in.  We know we believe, but why would God allow this doubt to spring into our lives.  Perhaps it is to wake us up and strive for a more intimate relationship with Christ.  Maybe it is God himself opening our eyes and calling us to himself for the first time.  Maybe it is revealing that we truly care where our relationship with Christ rests.  Sometimes we tend to become anxious about the things we care about most, and a relationship with Christ could be the same.  It could be the enemy trying earnestly to squelch our passion for Christ and discourage us from living set apart lives.

When I doubt, I cling to God's word.  I examine my own life and remember who I was without Christ.  I look at my sister, who surrendered her life to Christ in the Fall of 2014.  She is a beautiful reminder of God's promises and grace and transforming power.

Regardless of this, doubt is a part of the Christian walk.  We can see examples of doubt in some of the people who loved Jesus most: Peter, Thomas, and James the brother of Jesus.

Jesus, however, drew them closer to himself and showed each one of them that He was better than the world had to offer, that He was the true Messiah, that He was worthy of putting all of their trust in.

So if you ever doubt, here are some comforting verses straight from God's word which is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.

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"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
-Philippians 1:6

That is a promise.  He will.

"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life."
-1 John 5:13

God provides us reassurance that we have eternal life when we believe in the name of the Son of God (Jesus).  Eternal life isn't a distant concept, but a here-and-now reality as we walk in obedience for the pursuit of enjoying Jesus more deeply.

"...who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."
-1 Corinthians 1:8

Those who God has saved, he will keep.  His Holy Spirit provides that power, not you and your own purposing.

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!' The Spirit himself bears witness with out spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellows heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."
-Romans 8:14-17

We could not (and would not) cry out to Jesus in an intimate way such a Father if we were not united with Christ by the grace of God.

"And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."
-Romans 8:30

The only thing you can do with this verse is marvel in the omniscience of the Lord.  If Jesus knows you will be saved, he is not going to let you slip away.

"And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you.  Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one.  While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me.  I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled."
-John 17:11-12

Jesus prays for us that we would be one as Jesus and God are one.  Jesus and his saving power keeps us for all time when we surrender our ambitions to him.  This is believing in Christ.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it."
-1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

If it is Jesus who saves us, it is Jesus who keeps us.  He is faithful.  That is a promise.

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."
-Jude 24-25

God is the only one who is able to keep us and he will keep us when we surrender our lives.  In fact, it is HIS JOY to present us to God as holy and blameless.

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I hope these verses remind you of the great love that God has lavished on us.  If you are experiencing a season of doubt, cling to Jesus.  There is something that Jesus will teach you through this storm.  He is the one who will keep you until the end.  If you have never surrendered your life to Christ, what is stopping you?  There is an unmatched joy rooted in Christ.

Finding Rest

When we think of the word “rest,” many of us would jump to the same conclusion: a week-long vacation, a day off work, a night without the kids, or a morning of sleeping in.  We could probably even recall a few bible verses defined by rest.  We typically desire rest more than we get it, but why? This is partially because of our unwillingness to unplug from the world and plug in to Jesus; however, maybe it’s partly due to the stressors of this world that we allow to cloud our already anxious minds.  If you are anything like me, you can admit this is true.  More often than not, rest is a foreign concept to us because we fail to follow in Christ’s footsteps.  

Our relational God created the entire universe in six days, and on the seventh day he rested.  Did we miss this prominent detail in Genesis 2?  God rested.  If God thinks it’s imperative to find rest, so should we.  He gave you and I an example to follow in the stillness of his creation.  In God’s rest, he never stopped being God.  Likewise, in your rest, you don’t stop being a spouse, a friend, a parent, an employee, or a child of God.  

Living in a city where a university dictates a majority of our schedules, we feel the desire to get away from the day to day grind as summer approaches.  For a school teacher like myself, the countdown is on until a break away from students arrives.  Summer comes with all its splendor, but then I find myself anxious about what the next school year will hold.  I find myself harping on the fact that the number of days until I have to return to work is dwindling daily.  A number of unending questions flood my mind and leave me in anything but a state of solitude.  Can you relate?

Summer is now in full swing.  Summer is deemed a time of rest, but when I look around, summer seems to be busier than any other part of the year: send the kids to back-to-back camps, try to volunteer at a few events, plan a family vacation, attend weddings, move into a new house, visit family.  Life isn’t slowing down for any of us, but God’s example and command to rest has not and will never be retracted.   

So where do we find rest? If we could tap into each other’s conversations, a vacation is what we all plan to get away from the real world, but do we really need a vacation to rest?  Maybe.  There certainly are wonderful familial memories formed over a week at the beach which can leave us mentally and physically recharged for the weeks to come.  In fact, I like to travel when the opportunity presents itself; however, if vacation after vacation is all we have planned and we leave God out of our vacation, we might fail to see what we truly need to feel rested and rejuvenated: spiritual rest.

How we find spiritual rest:

1. Surrender to Christ’s authority
2. Seek Christ wholeheartedly
3. Serve others

SURRENDER TO CHRIST’S AUTHORITY

Hebrews 4:9-11 tells us that we must enter into rest.  

“So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, forever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.  Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.”  

The only way we can hope to enter into spiritual rest is first surrendering our lives to Christ.  Lack of rest can come from the perpetual bondage of sin.  

Romans 6:6-11 reminds us that without Christ, we are nothing but slaves to our sin nature.

“We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.  For one who has died has been set free from sin.  How if we have died with Christ, we believer that we will also live with him.  We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him.  For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God.  So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus."    

Christ willingly died on the cross and absorbed every single sin we have or ever will commit to demonstrate his love for us.  Romans 5:8 tells us, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  He took on our punishment for our disobedience to a holy God.  He physically rose from the dead conquering our sin and breaking ever chain of sin that could hinder our relationship with him.  John 3:16-18 reminds us of this truth. 

“For God so loved the world, the he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.”

For those who have surrendered their lives to the will of Christ, this is true.  This is the beginning of spiritual rest.  

SEEK CHRIST WHOLEHEARTEDLY

Breaks in our work schedule or away from the kids are (more often than not) gladly welcomed, but if we don’t use that opportunity to seek Christ in stillness, the Word, or prayer, we will miss out on opportunities to know Christ deeper.  Our days fill up before we have had our morning cup of coffee, and it seems like the day ends before we have the chance to take a breath.  Romans 3:10-11 reminds us of the reality that we often choose not to seek God. The last thing we might desire at the end of a chaotic day would be to sit down, read, and do more thinking, but to find rest, this is imperative.  

“No one is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God.”

The time we do have free should be used to seek the Lord in stillness, in his Word, and in prayer.  He will always show himself faithful.  If we do seek the Lord, Deuteronomy 4:29 tells us that we will find Him.  Finding Christ is what we have to be after because in Him only is there rest.

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.”  

This is an opportunity to wholeheartedly listen to what he would desire of you.  An opportunity to get away from the chaos around us and spend with the only One who can give us peace.  When we gladly approach God, we are able to recharge and refocus our minds on Christ.  We cannot be forced to seek Him.  We cannot be half-hearted and lukewarm about it.  We must jump all in to find rest in Christ.  

Psalm 63:1 depicts the kind of longing with which we need to seek Christ.  

“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you;my flesh faints for you,as in a dry and weary land where there in no water.”

When we have been beat down by the world around us and willingly seek Christ and His goodness, we are gifted with supreme rest in Christ as Hebrews 11: 6 states.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him”

Without seeking Christ, rest will remain a foreign concept.

SERVE OTHERS

It is unnatural for us to want to give of ourselves when we feel as if all of our being has been depleted.  When we are in need of rejuvenation, serving others is probably the last thing we would desire.  However, if we miss out on serving those around us, we miss out on the divine rest given to us by Christ.  Mark 10:45 declares that Jesus’s life was dedicated to serving people in love.  We know Jesus to be full of rest and peace in God.  If Jesus set an example of serving others, we should follow in his holy footsteps.  

“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

As a Christ-follower, when we serve others, we serve Christ.  When we walk in a manner worthy of our calling, the darkness that causes a lack of rest in our hearts is expelled.  Isaiah 58:10 tells us that truth.

“If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday.”

Colossians 3:23-24 also reminds us of that truth.  

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.  You are serving the Lord Christ.”

When we give of ourselves in service to others, God blesses our efforts.  We are reminded in 2 Corinthians 9:7-8 that Christ supplies every need of ours.  For most of us, what we desperately need is a lot more rest.  God is the only one who is able to provide lasting rest. 

“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, no reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.  And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency  in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”  

Through volunteering for a mission trip or vacation bible school, serving in sunday school ministry or Christian Women’s Job Corp; or giving of yourself in hospitality or financially may seem burdensome and taxing, if you have ever experienced this, you know that there is nothing more rewarding or life-giving than serving as Christ serves.  How ever you are serving, serve well.

For the one who gives, satisfaction in Christ and rest are a result.

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Though summer is hectic and rest may have escaped us, we can always find rest in the presence of Christ.  Matthew 11:28-29 says, 

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

By surrendering our lives to Christ and giving ourselves over to his authority, we can experience the ultimate peace of Christ in our lives because we have relinquished control to an all-knowing, ever-loving, good God.  Seeking Christ in prayer and in his Word is another way that we get to experience rest.  God promises that we will find him when we seek him with all of our strength.  Serving others in love with the purpose of glorifying Christ brings an unexplainable rest into our lives.  Surrendering, seeking, and serving are not meant to be one-time experiences.  We can have an everlasting rest in Christ when we recognize that our lives are not our own, and when we use them to know more of God’s character and to emulate him.   

QUESTIONS TO SEE IF YOU'RE IN NEED OF REST:

1. Have you surrendered your life to Christ?
2. Do you have a daily quiet time in the Bible and in prayer? 
3. Do you get excited about having a daily quiet time in the Bible and in prayer?
4. Do you speak encouraging words more than you complain?
5. Do you cheerfully support the Church financially?
6. Have you served the Church in the past 3 months?
7. Do you use your free time to invest in other people?
8. Do you look forward to daily tasks at work more than the end of the day?
9. Do you look forward to each day more than vacation?
10. Have you recently taken a family vacation with the intent of finding solitude?

If you have answered ‘NO’ to any one of these questions, you may need to ask God to search your heart and find rest.