dear renee: circle link-up

dear renee in 2004,

your relationship with your mom isn't great right now, but you will be glued at the hip despite hundreds of miles of separation.

you feel isolated from your dad in every way except running, but he has always been your biggest supporter and will support and fight for you til the very end.  you will realize how much your dad loves you, you just wait.  he will be your best friend, and your role model.

you and your sister, continue to protect her.  ask her hard questions.  your relationship will be stronger than ever in the near future.  your time with her will run out, keep her closer than you are now.  the time goes away fast.

you adore running, you always have.  running is going to play a significant role in your life, so don't give up on it.  follow your dreams with running.  you have a goal, keep striving because it helps you make one of the best decisions in your life.

right now, you want to be loved, you want to be needed.  you are searching for acceptance, and i know it is hard to find.  girls are mean, and you are bitter.  you have just been cheated on, by your first boyfriend, who you thought loved you. you can let yourself feel the hurt, but move forward.  i know  what you really want is a man who loves jesus and will lead you, in fact, i know that you have a list of ideal qualities you want in a mate in the top draw of your nightstand.  but, renee, you are going to forget all of those qualities.  i wish you wouldn't.  you are going to abandoned those ideals and you will settle for satisfying your immediate needs without thinking about the future.  you will experience unmatched heartache at your own expense.  you will find yourself in so many situations you will later regret with so much pain, and more tears than i wish to watch you bear.

renee, listen. there are so many people in your life that want the best for you, and they are trying to get through.  mom and dad, they love you and that is why you will get grounded for an entire summer (without your car by the way).  you are very stubborn, but i wish you would open up your eyes.  you pretend to be perfect, you pretend to have it all together, you mask your hurt with athletics and academics.  i wish i could get a hold of you, renee. i don't want you to have to go through some of the things you will in the next 10 years, but it's who you are and it has shaped you.

one day you will wake up, about 10 years from now, and you will find yourself wanting to give up on everyone, including yourself.  you won't want to go on anymore, but you have to.  you've been through a lot: eating disorders, broken relationships, failed promises, injuries after injuries, unfulfilled dreams, heartache, bitterness, family problems, more heartache, and just discontentment at an all time high. in this unknown time, you will surrender your life to christ and you will forever be changed.

here, renee, is where the freedom begins.  i wish i could tell you to wake up and surrender now, it's 2004, but i know you won't listen.  you have to go through these years, figuring it out yourself.  you are prideful, i know.  you want to do it on your own, but renee, jesus is there, and in 10 years, he will still be there waiting for you and he will pick you up and make you brand new.  you know a lot about who jesus is now, but you will know who jesus is in 10 years.  you will be known by God.

renee, i don't want to tell you much more, you will find out soon enough.  you are made into a stronger person for the things you had to endure.  these things, though you think they are the worst thing in the world while you are going through them, will be used for your own good and the benefit of others.  i know it might sound strange now, but everything that is going to happen, is going to bring glory to God and demonstrate his faithfulness in your life.

don't give up tall one (you will eventually be called "noodle").  i love you.

love,
renee in 2015

---