heavy on my heart

all i got was a stupid My Little Pony

good afternoon, reader. today is my university reading day before finals begin next week, and how very thankful am i for this day of recess.  i have been going nonstop for the past few months and just one day of freedom feels like a vacation in the caribbean.  i slept in for an extra hour and then dragged my lifeless self down the stairs to brew a cup of instant happiness.  i picked out on of my favorite mug that i painted.  i ate a bowl of cereal and a sweet little cutie.  what a satisfying breakfast.  after breakfast i walked outside and did some much back porch sittin' and bible readin'.   while sitting on the back porch gazing over the lake and feeling the sunshine kiss my skin, i did a lot of back porch thinkin'.  i don't know if you have ever done much back porch thinkin' in your life, but some of the greatest trains of thought are formulated there. 

here is what i have been pondering over the last few days: decision making

let me catch you up to speed with what i have been reading lately.  in the old testament book of joshua in the bible, the israelites are moving through the middle east conquering land just as God commanded.  though, in some cases, the israelites were out numbered and defeat looked inevitable. God commanded the israelites to destroy every town in a given area.  however, the israelites continued to disobey the Lord. the Lord told them to destroy everything in town after town, God was faithful and promised them victory, and victory they received.  God has promised great things in the lives of the israelites if they submitted to God wholeheartedly.  

"they (the gibeonites) answered, 'we are from a very distant country.  we have heard of the might of the Lord you God and of all he did in egypt.  we have also heard what he did to the two amorite kings east of the jordan river.  so our leaders and our people instructed us, 'prepare for a long journey.  go meet with the people of israel and declare our people to be their servants, and ask for peace.  this bread was hot from the oven when we left. but no, as you can see, it is dry and moldy.  these wineskins were new when we filled them, but now they are old and cracked.  and our clothing and sandals are worn out from our long, hard trip.' so the israelite leaders examined their bread, but they did not consult the Lord.  then joshua went ahead and signed the pace treaty with them, and the leaders of israel ratified their agreement with a binding oath.  three days later, the facts came out–these people of gibeon lived nearby!" 
–joshua 9:9-16

what is important about that blurb in history?

to me, what sticks out the most, is what i have highlighted.  "but they did not consult the Lord."  the israelites took it upon themselves to sign a peace treaty with the gibeonites in such a haste.  as it says, the israelites did not pause to hear the advice and wisdom of God.  instead, they signed a treaty which allowed the gibeonites and their sinful ways to persist.  

what can we learn from their mistake?

plans without God fail.  plans made and executed without the advisement of the Lord causes limitations in your life.  before making any major life decision or any small step that would cause a progression of other motions, consulting the Lord is crucial.

i can not say that i have ever given much thought to the act of asking God whether i should move right or left, whether or not i should take a step forward or quietly stand back.  that is just not something that i have ever actively pursued up to this point in my life....until now.

"we can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps."
–proverbs 16:9

as you, reader, may or my not be aware, my life goal is to forever guard my heart above everything else.  to guard my heart from the ugly penetration of my selfish ambitions, selfish desires, and outside forces that cause me to remove my armor.   for the past 5 months, i have seen huge transformations in my life from this seemingly simple commitment.  let me tell you though, reader, this commitment is so much harder to do than it is to simply mutter.  i have had set backs and been a failure, but when looking at the big picture, i am proud to say that only through the wonderful transformation in me by means of the Holy Spirit, i am NOT who i used to be.  

"'for i know the plans i have for you,' says the LORD. 'they are plans for good and not disasters, to give you a future and a hope.  in those days when you pray, i will listen.  if you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.'" –jeremiah 29:11-14

what happens when we make plans without seeking earnest advice from our Jesus?

we limit ourselves to fully attaining what God had for our lives at that moment in time.  i shutter to think what my life could be like at this point in my 22-years of existence had i sought the Lord.  not that i don't believe that God still can't and won't do incredible things through me for the rest of my life, but what opportunity i have wasted in the past.  when we don't seek God in what university we should attend, who we should date, where to live for the next 20 years, etc, we could be missing what God desires for us.  i fully believe that whether we move left or right doesn't ultimately change what he has planned for our lives because he can use any circumstance for his glory, but i think it breaks God's heart when we don't call on him for advice.  like a parent, he wants the very best for us and never wants to sell us short.  but when we refuse to ask, we refuse to get. when we walk without Light, we end up in darkness.  when we take matters into our own hands, we end up like the israelites and make peace treaties with those who were meant to be destroyed. (ok, i'm not saying we are to go kill other people or neglect investing in people's lives, but instead, we are to kill our selfish motives and desires, but we fail to do so when we are heedless in consulting our Maker.)  

i don't know if i am stating this effectively or even making sense at this point, but i shall continue.  when we put our faith in our own hopes and decisions, we confine God to a dimensioned box.  though nothing is outside the relam of his using, he wants so much more for us than we want for us.  

analogy, if you will.

i wanted nothing more than my very own Barbie horse.  

but instead i got a 'My Little Pony,' which could not have been more disappointing.  that was for babies, and i was NOT a baby.  all my friends had Barbie horses and i didn't.  the Barbie horse was grandiose in my eyes, it was the best i could ever attain.  

but what i failed to see was what God really wanted for my life.  he had planned to give me a living, breathing, trotting palomino.  my very own stallion.  but i limited myself to just wanting a Barbie horse and then became insanely disappointed when all i received was a My Little Pony. my plans failed me.  though i still received a horse of sorts, it's not what i personally wanted but neither is it what God wanted me to give me.  but did i really deserve to get my Barbie horse in the first place? i mean, i never even asked for it. i never asked God if having a Barbie horse was what HE wanted for me life.  so therefore, i was humbled with a My Little Pony until i was mature enough to handle the gifted and graceful stallion.  still, through all of our short comings, God is faithful, will continue to provide, and will always keep his promises.

i'll leave you to sip on that analogy, reader.  i challenge you to consult God before you move left or right, before you take a step forward or backward.  i know firsthand that this is not always the easiest to discern what God is saying, but guard your heart and be made right with the Lord through meditation on the blood of Christ.  

don't be like the israelites who limited themselves, don't restrict yourself life decisions to a Barbie horse, don't confine your God to a scanty box.  

the importance of fellowship

"and let us not neglect meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especailly now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near." hebrews 10:25

i cannot recall a point in the last four years where i have been this full of utter joy.  this reality is due to a combination of certain happenings in my life over the last five months.

1. i am actively seeking my jesus, first and foremost.  Jesus tells me in matthew that "he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." i don't want to sound like some high and mighty, self-righteous girl who has this whole world figured out, because that could not be farther from the truth, but through spending time with Jesus every single day for the past 4-5 months, i can honestly say insecurities are being shattered and hope is being restored. to seek the Jesus before meddling in running, relationships, grades, money, and perfection has not always been my life.  the list of the later consumed a majority of my last 22 years.

2. by some divine conspiracy, i am meeting people left and right.  these are not just any ordinary people.  i am acquainting myself with these solid people who love Jesus (and love Jesus more than any one else i have ever met), and consequently, we are becoming real friends who invest in each other's lives.  they are real people with real struggles and back-bending hurt, but these folks are not ashamed to live out loud for our Jesus. they challenge me to be my very best but let me know that it is okay to have feelings and be imperfect.  they keep me accountable, they keep me growing.  i only hope that i am a supportive tool in their lives as they are and have been in mine.

"my job was to plant the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God, not we, who made it grow" 1 corinthians 3:6

we are intimate relational beings, to say the absolute least.  we are stimulated by human interaction and thrive on emotional investment.  we pounce at the chance to be heard.  quality time with those we love is hoarded as if it could be rationed in the future.  we are all equally familiar with friendships built on common interests.  we have our friendship at intramural games, our friends in class, our friends back in our childhood home. we all have people who have carved a memory or two in the wood of our minds forever leaving impressions.  sometimes, unfortunately, our groups of friends become compartmentalized. our interests change and we often are uprooted from one place only to relocate to another.  sometimes this puts distance and strain on a relationship of any form.

but what happens when a friendship is engineered by the strongest bond i've ever encountered and incorporates common interests?  (and i'm not talking non-polar covalent or hydrogen bonding here people) i'm talking about the bond formed when two people share mutual ground in a faith through Jesus Christ.  i'm not talking about cultural christianity. these people are rock solid and transformed by the Holy Spirit.  i want to be just like them.  i am challenged to be a better person in my entirety.

to surround yourself with like-minded people is essential to grow.

if i have the common cold spend too much time around someone with the influenza virus, the chances that i catch the flu increase exponentially.  and if i meddle in the life of someone with a more serious transmissible health condition, i might as well quarantine myself.

"confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  the earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results." james 5:16

i am not saying that our lives are not supposed to be lived investing in those people who don't share a common spiritual thread, but if that is the only or majority of the relational interaction we engage in, we are going to succumb to their pressures whether we meant to or not.

they say that "birds of a feather flock together."  i don't know who they are, but i agree.  you will begin to look more like whoever you spend the most time with, regardless if their influence is positive or negative.

i have expressed wanting to mimic my newly found friends.  the fruit pouring out of their life is evident.  they are hard workers with a passion for justice and jesus.  they are not afraid to stand up for the truths depicted in the word of God, they keep scripture at the forefront of their minds, they abstain from crude humor and other activities that could be questionable, they invest in the lives of everyone they meet with the compassion of God leaking from their smile.  this is what my Jesus looks like.

fellowship.

i guess i just never understood the importance of reaching out  and doing life with those who walk so boldly in their faith.  i know that i have been blinded in the past due to running, relationships, grades, money, perfection, material things, lust, selfish ambitions, and all the wonders of the here-and-now.  it's good to finally see straight, to feel cherished by the body of Christ, to walk hand-in-hand with sisters and brothers, to smile and cry and laugh and hurt without hesitation or judgement.

it's good to have fellowship.

hannah whitsitt: "purity is a direction"

"share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ"galatians 6:2

the big picture

written July 7, 2009

i am as guilty as the person sitting next to me, so listen up reader. so often we are all individually blinded by the light three feet away, so much that we fail to look further to the open skies where endless opportunities may be awaiting our bounty. we get trapped into a routine that isolates us from the rest of the world. there is a blocking of the grand scale adventure, we just get caught up in hiking from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ without really knowing where we are even going at all. 

listen, we can't always know what the final destination will be, but should we not have some inclination as to where we might end up down the road? we are sailing through vast, empty ocean occasionally coming across an island or two, maybe a hurricane capsizes our life vessel, and perhaps an endless warmth that is continuous sunshine without shelter. however, still, we still just float, we float on and on until we really decide what we want and where to go that feels like home, sweet home. if we could just somehow take off our blinders and see the big picture, maybe we wouldn't waste so much time pitying ourselves, waste so much time giving ourselves ulcers from worrying, waste so much time from mistake after mistake, waste so much time in the oblivion of the unknown. you get the point by now i suppose, not assume. 

i know that there is another part to this equation, i do. if we never had blinders and instead saw the big picture head on, the is a chance we would become severely disappointed because things never turn out the way that we envision them in the first place. if there were not little roadblocks along the way, how would we know how to handle the grand scheme if we were not tested through and through along the way. the trails are our trials of life leading up to the mountain of destiny. 

no matter how we slice, view, or look at it; the big picture is where our journey leads and the matter in the foreground is our lesson to be learned and applied for a later date. i think i'll choose to take off my goggles of deception at points in my journey, but put them back on if the weather gets too chaotic. our journeys will lead somewhere different, but i challenge you all to go climb your own mountain, but take your first step at the base and work your way up.

picture of mt. shasta in oregon i took in 2009

beating

jesus is the victor of my soul and the captain of my heart, but it wasn't always this way. i have 'loved' countless individuals and given pieces of heart away only to personally receive hurt, shame, defeat, disgust, brokeness.  but now, i am striving to guard this fragile heart of mine and determined to actively purse a deeper, more passionate relationship with my Lover, who rescued me from the clutches of Death and Shame.  i want Jesus to claim His space in my heart, it is only fully reserved for the One.

"for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

matthew 6:21

"above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do." 

proverbs 4:23

go Left

tonight i am quietly sipping on chocolate silk and decaf blend in my brand new, handcrafted coffee mug.  it's warm and already coursing through these veins of mine. gladly. i need some warmth tonight, the temperature is dropping.

"so here's what i want you to do, God helping you: take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.  embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. instead, fix your attention on God. you'll be changed from the inside out. readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you"-romans 12:2 (the message)

i have been convicted lately.  call me a spiritual adulterer, call me what you will.  too often i succumb to pleasures and pressures of this world.  if you know something is wrong and yet you do it anyway, how is that making you a better person? how is that letting you grow your self up? how can you advance when you are only bringing your self down?

these questions are obviously rhetorical.

but this is a thought that has been on the forefront of my mind for some time now, it surfaces multiple times a day and kicks me when i least expect it.

when i look at the world my heart just hurts.  i think of my future children growing into God-fearing individuals and because i know how tempting and luring and deceitful the sins of this world are, it honestly scares me.  i know my God is bigger and stronger and greater.

the world tells me that it is okay to indulge in one night stands with a different partner every night, be welcomed at wild parties every weekend, partake in drugs because after all YOLO, drink away the night because you never know what tomorrow holds.

it doesn't even have to be that extreme.

it's okay to lie as long as you are helping someone see the "truth," it's truly okay to curse and say things you would never want your grandmother to say because she probably won't hear them anyway, it's okay to take a few extra dollars from the register at work because who is going to notice, it's okay to cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend because the relationship is probably going to fail anyway, it's okay to treat your body without care, it's okay to walk out the door with half of your body exposed, it's okay to spend more engrossed in work than family and friends.

the world argues that it's perfectly acceptable to do all these seemingly harmless things because you're not a "bad" human being and you definitely haven't killed anyone or gone to jail.  you compare yourself to your friends, your neighbors, your classmates, your teammates, your coworkers.  at least you haven't done what they have done....you're an upstanding citizen, and thus the world spins round.

i want to challenge the world. i don't want to take every thing at face value.  why is there this tug-o-war between what is defined as good and evil?  God tells me to be transformed by His words and to not conform to the detestable ways of the world.  it is quite evident in my life (especially if you have spent even a split second with me that i am flawed and have serious shortcomings) that when i turn my gaze towards A it leads to walking near B which causes me to dance in the moment with C.

so if i know that A warrants C, why do i even hang on to the slightest hope of aquatinting myself with those letters?  fill those letters A, B, and C with any struggle, trial, affliction infecting your life.  i have my list tucked away and it's not something of which i could ever be proud.  

but the world really has no interest in my spiritual growth, my strides in character, my advancements in mental maturity.  it's only NOW NOW NOW with the world, "sleep-when-you-die" mentality. all my short comings cause me to regress significantly if i do not actively correct myself and exercise discipline.  i now know that brushing the surface of A has an increased likelihood that i will march myself straight to B and on to C.  i know this first hand.  the things i find in myself that are out of alignment with the words of God hinder who i am called and desire to be.  the world and so many people in the world (though they may be excellent people in and of themselves) do not really understand why eating disorders, drunkenness, vanity, sexual indulgences, and outbursts of anger among other vices are wrong. 

this week has been exciting.  on the forefront of my mind has been the truth of God in that "Jesus came to give me life and life more abundantly."  when i settle for the alphabetical slippery-slope, i am putting God in a box and telling Him that i am perfectly content with second best. i am basically indian-giving to the Creator of the Universe. WHAT!?  God gave roses a beautiful scent and an exquisite form.  He gave the mountains perfect slopes and elegant peaks.  God designed my life to be abundant and fruitful, and when i don't actively work on being all who God called me to be and instead succumb to the right-here-right-now mantra, i am digging myself a deeper and more massive hole.  i limit myself in sundry ways.

don't let the world transform you, steal your focus, define your joy: it is so much harder said than done, but in the end, i can't fathom living strictly for this world and not forever with the Maker of each fingerprints and the Lover of my heart. 

when the world tells you to go Right, 

follow God's truths and take every Left.

my Potter's plan

i was just some formless clay
at the mercy of the Potter's wheel
this Potter thought me up and so
He sculpted me without delay

the craftsmanship was so precise
He molded my every curve
the Potter's timing was perfect still,
yet my artistic shape came with a bloody Price

my Potter handled me with care
emerging renewed from the fiery kiln
He hand-selected the most innate glaze
then displayed His masterpiece like a love affair

with the thumbprint seal, i was almost complete
He made my internal ceramic reflect my façade
my Potter cares for each part of me, and reminds his Craft
"beauty is not solely surface deep"

i'm no longer just a formless core
thrown to the fate of the spinning wheel
no, i'm a treasured perfection kneaded with zeal
my Potter holds me in his hands, now and forever more

never give up on your first Love

God is showing up in ways i never expected.  He is blowing my expectations and showing me that it is He that runs this show, and not i.  i have obviously been putting God in a box, underestimating His awesome power and creative craftsmanship.  over the past week, multiple friends have come to me seeking encouragement and spiritual guidance.  now, anyone who has spent more than 10 seconds with me,knows i have my fair share of shortcomings and set backs, but i am setting aside my self-ambitions and self-righteous tendencies.  i am involving myself in other people's lives, people who are hurting, people with whom i can relate, friends, someone with whom i can share my struggles.  this week is going to be one of the best by far, no matter how many small blunders i make throughout the days (which could be enough to fill an entire journal).  i am meeting, having coffee, eating lunch, splitting breakfast, catching up, and sharing encouraging words with a different friend every day this week.  

can i just say how freeing it is to invest in someone's life and for someone to invest in yours?  

i'm usually the girl that keeps to herself and hoards her alone time like someone might steal it forever, i never go out of my way to make plans with someone, but that was last week.  this week, i'm nudging out of my comfort zone and i am finding it to be every thing but uncomfortable.

i recently told a friend, 

"imperfections make us beautiful."

i encourage you to truly believe my statement. once i finally learned that i will never reach perfection as defined by the world's standards, i became insanely free after years of imprisonment. i was no longer chained to pleasing people only to be let down by my insecurities.  i was no longer engaging in activities solely to prove my self worth to people who never really cared.  i was no longer bound by the belief that i was a failure, because i am not a failure and never have been a failure, and by the strength of the Lord, i will never be a failure.  when i finally believed my imperfections made me beautiful, i saw myself as God saw me: blameless and pure.

knock and the door will open
matthew 7:7

your heart is misleading

proverbs 4:23

be a firmly planted tree by the stream

psalm 1

cling to my first love

revelation 2:2

hurdles of life

my foot really has me down and out. jumping the hurdles of life really are not that enjoyable, but i know they are worth it.

past.

taking every step in obedience, i'm waiting. 

January 2, 2009

the sun will still set. 

the sun will still rise. 

even if you choose to ignore it. 

my heart will beat. 

and i will still walk on. 

even if you choose to ignore me. 

i am all the days that you choose to ignore. 

i am all the days that you leave behind. 

i am the girl that im glad you left behind. 

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

please, enlighten me.  

what are your thoughts?

i feel as if we begin as formless rocks, beautiful but formless.  each time we go through a hard time, erosion takes place, we are chipped away, we are forever changed.  we morph into an original sculpture molded by those who have entered our lives. some barely scratch the surface of our stoney exterior while others leave marginal lines.  no matter the shifting ground or the weathering hands, the pain is tortuous.  

i don't want to wear away to nothing.

my day begins and ends with you

my day revolves around anyone but You

and i've seemed to have lost my happiness

it got stuck between the pages i haven't opened

and launched into the arms of another

but the book is being opened

my deep joy will return to radiate this heart

because when something ends 

another begins

branded

above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do

proverbs 4:23

........so much harder to do than to say

a broken braid and a beautiful bond

three strings they fit together
in a tightly threaded braid
their colors blend with beauty
blue and black and grey

first were black and grey
bonded between their heavy hues
but then along came number three
a lovely shade of blue

so black simply volunteered
and made enough free-space
for blue to waltz right in
and take grey's hard earned place

grey was unaware
that its spot had been sublet
but black kept urging blue
that 'change has no regret'

so blue got comfortable
in the clutches of black, poor grey
but blue's time had come to leave
black demanded it to stay

but blue had fallen strangely out
and left a gap that maimed
black and grey were damaged now
and were never again the same

so blue was left by itself
no colors lurking near
so blue lay helpless, all alone
wishing it had a color near
________
blue remained a single string
its rarity so fine
blue stayed alone until one day
orange said, "you're mine."

orange, too, was all alone
an outcast who once was weaved
orange built up cords of strength
waiting for what it believed

so blue and orange danced the twist
beautifully bound as one
complements shining bright
new stitching had begun

blue still yearns for those strings
that beautiful dark braid
but blue felt orange's secure hold
a thread's home is the bed its made

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