oh hello darkness my old friend: Mia

"if you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.  the temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  and God is faithful.  he will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.  when you are tempted, he will show you a way out so you can endure." –1 corinthians 10: 12-13

i chose to let Mia back into my life tonight. i know i should not have, but i chose to sit down with her after fighting her tooth and nail.  i took the easy road, i gave in to her.  Mia came back in my life tonight, after being essentially exiled for nearly 10-12 months.  i won't be seeing Mia again. 

help me stay accountable. i need prayer. why did i give in? why did i fail to believe God's truths? why did i instead trust in myself?  i'm angry with myself.

april 6, 2008-may 4, 2012

four years i gave you all i had and still it wasn't enough.  

you're not coming back here to chew your home in me

i just slipped up yet my mind has been changed

you are not my master, you just only bring me pain

i serve a God who's bigger and promises freedom

no longer am i your captive

tonight i flushed your hopes goodbye, forever.

Mia, my long lost “friend”

July 23, 2010

mia was on my mind

i couldn't shake her thoughts

she never left

now my stomach is in knots

i told her i was done

done being her friend

but she played her wicked games

now she's back again

mia likes to mess with me,

watch me hurt myself

i thought i had her bottled up

and put her on the shelf

yet still mia makes me feel alive,

feel everything you don't.

demented as it may sound;

but leave, she just won't

we laughed together

and shared my tears

mia, my long lost "friend"

through the years

i want to hate her

but she coaxes me into love

says if i only do this or that,

then i'll be that beautiful dove

i wish mia'd leave

but then i wish she would stay

i can never commit

mia, just go away

Flushed Away

April 3, 2010

she knew she shouldn't have 

temptation mounted 

and she climbed 

bitter she became 

not just the taste in her mouth 

what she sees are lies 

when she looks into the mirror 

there seems no other way 

to cure this one, mammoth piece 

but she is shattered into millions 

holding hate not for everyone 

but only for just herself 

as she sits on her knees 

clenching to the tile 

tears flow out of her eyes 

as she flushes her life away.

Mia, My Master?

March 10, 2010

i will not serve you

i want to refuse you as a crutch

i can not call you a friend

leave me and never come back

why did i let you back in?

why are you controlling me?

why can't i just forget you?

i do not want to be your slave

but there seems no other way

you try to be my master

and i flush you out of my life

why are you here?

why do i let you attack me?

why can't i just forget you?

i don't want to serve you

you don't deserve my time

but i give it to you anyway

i thought you had left.....

Mia Might Miss Me

June 30, 2009

i heard mia soothingly scream as i silently strayed by:

"welcome home renee

to the beautiful white tile

is it cold on your naked feet?"

"welcome to heaven,

close the door, dear girl.

it's the outlet to lies and horrible people.

"welcome back to peace,

it's been an entire week!

sit down now,

cradle me in your arms.

"welcome home renee,

tell me all your problems.

throw up all your guilt.

ill flush away your pain.

"welcome in to perfect paradise,

you can truly trust me;

ill tell you nothing but the truth

so long as you promise to visit, forgetful one.

"welcome back finally,

where you trying to abandon me!?

leave me for another!?

all i want is all of you.

"welcome in renee.

spit in my face

it's a sign of our growing friendship.

ill spit right back.

"welcome to security,

don't you ever leave me.

i swear i will find you, 

and nag you to your death."

Mia in Me

June 16, 2009

i have met a girl named mia. 

she makes me feel so strong.

im beautiful to her.

with her, i do no wrong.

mia is my comfort.

she is my smile when im torn.

she whispers to me sweet sounds.

with her, i feel reborn.

mia is my cornerstone.

my solid rock to stand.

whenever i am weak,

she lends her helping hand.

with this friend im whole,

i feel so full of breath

but with mia my last breath is took

she leads me to my death

Read Between the Lines, Dear Inmate

June 3, 2009

i am a prisoner to this ceramic tile.

you will not let me free.

you hold me in chains and cuffs.

your guards with watchful eyes.

i am stuck in this gagging routine.

nearly nothing is new.

you have stipend my calls,

help is now not listening.

you try to limit my intake

by documenting my deeds

but i steal like a thief

and then break like a victim

i feel like i am prisoner.

locked behind your colorless walls.

but the door is locked from the inside .

yet i am so very meek.

your barbed wire holds me in.

im afraid of leaving "home"

new inmates tell me it's time to flee

they do not know how this bowl screams

im brought to my knees

filled with guilt and shame

i deserve this prison treatment

my sentence has hardly begun

old self

good morning!

good morning!

good morning!

warm coffee is coursing through my veins and the stress had melted off my back for the rest of the day.  i just finished my astronomy final and i know i did well on it. studying truly pays off.  last night i had a fantastic time studying with a group of friends at a local coffee shop, strangebrew coffeehouse.  it was a great opportunity to catch up with my new friends, enjoy fellowship with these jesus-lovers, and be held accountable while studying.  there were probably close to 10-12 people throughout the night who popped in and out to study and drink the best coffee in starkville.  when i say my favorite place on earth is strangebrew, i am making no false statement.
however, today i settled on the three region blend at starbucks.  i had never had this brew, so i decided to amuse myself.  to my not so big surprise, i loved it, it's coffee afterall.  sumatra may have a new bold competitor.  if you have never tried the three region blend, i think you should.

joy

something is on my mind, and it's a pretty serious topic: my past.  we all have one; some darker than others.  we all have secret lives behind closed doors that would make others shutter if anyone found out.  we have all lived in darkness and constantly flirted with temptations.  we all have a past, but i need to be reminded that–because i am made new in christ–i am not defined by anything i have ever done.  when questions about 'who i used to be' vs. 'who i am now' arose, i could not help but well up inside.  my insides hurt, my heart broke, and it took all i could not to let the flood gate of tears break.  the mere thought of my past, and parts of my very recent past, try to haunt me day and night.

however, i want everyone to know now and forever more, that i am not who i used to be.  my dirty and broken past no longer has to cast a shadow.  my Light removes all darkness.  maybe this sounds cliché and a bit unrealistic to some, but i am not even the same woman that i strove to be yesterday.  each day i am being made new in the eyes of christ; and because of this, i am no longer defined by the detestable acts i  have committed in the past.  it is not that i have something to prove to anyone or want to be displayed in lights across a billboard because i don't need to please anyone but jesus, but reminding myself constantly that i am a new person helps keep me humble.  i know what my past was, and i would be a fool to return to such harm.  i know that if it were not for the awesome power of God working in me and through me, i would not be writing this blog post.  

my past is certainly nothing to brag about.  

"oh i did 'this' and 'that' and 'there's no way i would ever do that' but 'i'll do this so long as it isn't that or that' and 'that one time i even tried this before i did that' and 'then this other thing lead to these other things'......and i couldn't have been happier"

does that sound familiar?  it does to me.

your darkness could be self-motivation, pills, drugs, sexual immorality, eating disorders, desire of perfection, gluttony, drunkenness, jealousy, gossiping, anger, seemingly harms lies, physical abuse, stealing, lustful thoughts, etc....but, reader, those don't have to determine who you will be in 10 minutes from now.

be encouraged, the Word of God directly tells us that we are completely transformed because jesus christ died on the cross for EVERY SINGLE SIN EVER in our lives.  i hope i cease to take for granted the reality that someone, God's Son, died for me.  he took death, for me.

let's start leading transformed lives and stop pretending like we are magically changed.  let's stop letting our Past cast shadows on our future Light.

is your God not big enough to extinguish darkness in your life? 

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

please, enlighten me.  

what are your thoughts?

i feel as if we begin as formless rocks, beautiful but formless.  each time we go through a hard time, erosion takes place, we are chipped away, we are forever changed.  we morph into an original sculpture molded by those who have entered our lives. some barely scratch the surface of our stoney exterior while others leave marginal lines.  no matter the shifting ground or the weathering hands, the pain is tortuous.  

i don't want to wear away to nothing.

$3.59 for a quick fix and lasting regret

here i sit waiting for my comforting, bold caffe verona to finish brewing.  i feel as though my insides are laying in a corner while my heart is struggling to maintain a pitter-patter beat and my brain splits open with ugly and hurtful thoughts.  how did i let myself stumble down this dark alley knowing that it only leads to shameful regret?

i needed a few things to prepare a homemade lunch-complete with my mother's famous spinach spring salad.  i hang a right and pull anxiously up to the local grocer.  i waltz in the store with a precise list of fruits and vegetables fresh on my mind, and willing to purchase nothing extraneous (or so i thought).

my black coffee is finished; one second while i pour myself an obnoxious amount of caffeinated love.

as i head to the express check-out out line with my oranges, spinach, strawberries, and banana nut muffins in tote, i come across the impulse-buy stand.  these bull's eye stands we are all too familiar with them at any store we visit.  "buy one, get one free," "10 for $10," etc.  well, this time, i did not turn my head.  i thought i could control myself.  i thought i was strong enough to resist.  i thought, "even if i buy this, it's not like i'm going to eat the entire thing today. there is NO way i would do that. i am stronger than i once was.  i could NEVER go back to my old life."  that is what i thought.  so, i bought a six pack of krispy kreme donuts for $3.59.  delicious, irresistible, phenomenal little indulgences, and yet, i, me, i was strong enough to withstand their deceptive pleasure. (insert devious laughter here) after all, i am allowed to treat myself on thursdays (one of my new year's resolutions was to deem thursday's my "snack, mediocre food" day).

thinking i could handle this box of sugar ceased when i walked out the automatic sliding doors of piggly wiggly and slid stealthily into my car. the anticipation had mounted in only a few short minutes and i opened the (now, satanic) box while still in the parking lot. just one, i told myself.  ok ok, fine, i'll stop at two.  no, before i knew it, i had devoured four original glazed donuts.

realization sat in as i was almost home.  "wow," i tell myself, "you are something else! you can't even stop at one!" and then i continued the self-bashing and berating and twisted my positive self-image and confidence into an image of nothing but dirt, grime, and soiled perfection.  staying true to one of my biggest accomplishments, i suffer the consequences of eating such foods.  i am not and refuse to purge. that is one road i am refusing to walk down again.  i have ended my ball and chain relationship with Mia, and i don't plan on being her slave ever again. i eat my normal lunch and continue as if nothing had happened, yet, inside i still feel as worthless as gum on the bottom of a broken school desk.

i'm sipping on my piping coffee and seeing my reflection in my oversized coffee mug.

the reflection tells me i am beautiful, even when my loss of self-control beats me down.  i am learning through this donut set-back.  i am not strong in myself. i am only strong when i rely on God to pull me through every situation.  i was relying on my accolades and my own willpower to advance my progress.  i am so very weak and God is so much stronger than i can begin to praise or credit Him.  it's not my power than i should be standing upon, it's not my abilities that i should trust to keep me on the straight and narrow, and though i do the things i know i shouldn't, God loves me the same (though that is SO hard for me to comprehend).

"when you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, division, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.  let me tell you again, as i have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But when the Holy Spirit control our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  here there is no conflict with the law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." galatians 5:19-24

you may be thinking to yourself, this seems silly, renee.  it was just four donuts. well, reader, it was not just "four donuts" too me.  this stems from somewhere deep inside and is an integral part of who i am as a woman of God and having a positive self-image.  may God be my bread of life, and fill me forever.
sip on Soli Deo Gloria