Even if...

I feel at such a loss

And like no one understands

A hidden, silent suffering

At the will of two small hands.

I sit in the hallway crying

Tears pouring without word

—if only the sights you could have seen

Or the roars you could have heard.

Helpless to even help him

As he flails without control—

All I can do is sob

And provide a mother’s hold

“What have I done that he would be

So different from the rest?”

Holding fast to promises

That this is for my best.

Give me strength O Lord above

To manage one so strong

I know you’re here with me

Even when the days are long.

Explosions come from nowhere

Sprawled out upon the ground

Fist against the floor in rage

For minutes without bound

“He’s darling,” “Not a problem”

“He’s happy as can be”

But why is that not my time

When he’s at home with me?

I know that Christ is working

In the moments I’m so weak

It’s just that in the here and now

The outcome seems so bleak

—But

Christ is strong when I am not

Each trial from his hand

And if no one comprehends I know

That Christ fully understands.

He’s made each one with intent design

For purpose I don’t know,

But He is faithful in each step,

No matter where I go.

O Lord my strength, please heal this boy

And give me eyes to see

That even if this pain lasts long

Like this forever it won’t be.

I love my son, You love him more

A tender Father in all you bring,

If this pain can help me trust

Then bring on all the things.

There’s joy in suffering You say,

Who hung upon the cross

So make me more like you my King

Even if this is what it costs.

(i originally wrote and posted on IG and Facebook january 19, updating and posting on blog february 3)