What Even is Motherhood?

If you have followed along for any amount of time, you will know that I have struggled in amy transition to being a stay-at-home mom.  You will know that I created a series called Messiness of Motherhood which highlighted moms of all kinds.  While composing the series, I found a lot of support in motherhood and respect for the other roles that moms take on.

We have since had our second child, Piper, and it has brought on some new challenges.  It should be noted that I love motherhood.  I am so humbled that the Lord specifically chose me to raise Ezra and Piper.  I am truly finding joy in motherhood: joy in the insane complex crazy wonderful world of motherhood.

However, motherhood hasn't quite been what I thought it would be.  Of course, I am not even sure what I thought it would be like, but not this complex web of beautiful insanity.

So what even is motherhood?

It's messy floors and stained clothes.

It's cold coffee and dry shampoo. 
It's pajamas all day and cheese for breakfast.
It's falling asleep nursing a screaming infant and building blanket forts with a toddler.
It's crying on the phone with your mom for no reason, and it's forgetting to bring the diaper bag to the mall.
It's walking through the grocery store with a wailing toddler because you haven't opened the not-yet-purchased box of graham crackers fast enough.
It's only getting your left hand fingernails painted.
It's feeling like a failure because your kid won't sleep through the night, and it's feeling accomplished because your kid can throw his own diaper away.
It's singing nursery rhymes and children's worship songs without your kids in the car.
It's turning on any cartoon in order to get 5 minutes of quiet.

It's shutting yourself in the bathroom just to check your phone, but just discovering your child can now open doors.
It's throwing the kids in the car just to take a drive, with no destination in mind.
It's seeing the joy on their faces as they make a new discovery or learn a new word.
It's wanting to give up on parenting and simultaneously never wanting anything bad to happen to your child.
It's taking (mostly) only the cute pictures and posting those, but stashing the mess-ups because those are special too.

It's being the bad guy for washing his favorite blanket and forgetting to dry it before nap time.
It's saying you'd never let your kid do XYZ, and then letting him do XYZ.
It's trying to get out of the house but yet again you're already 20 minutes late, oh well.
It's talking to your child like he's your best friend because there's really no one else to talk to during the day.
It's a struggle to find the routine that fits and feeling euphoric when you finally tweek it so it's just right.
It's the mystery of making room in your heart to love your kid more than you ever thought you could and loving them more each day, and loving deeper with every child you have.
It's learning to be flexible and giving yourself grace.
It's finding mom friends to cry to and support.
It's looking into your sick child's eyes wishing you could take every ounce of hurt and pain and fever away if it meant they would feel better.
It's wanting to scream your head off because the kid has to eat something other than bread.
It's sacrificing sleep.

It's crawling into the crib with your kid just to hang out after naps.
It's reading the same book 81 times every day because it is what he likes the most.
It's a dirty house and piles of dirty laundry and uncleaned toilets and unvaccummed floors.
It's boogers and spit-up and bubble baths.
It's Paw Patrol on repeat (can I get an 'amen'?)
It's early mornings and late nights.

It's more cold coffee.
It's hard.
It's messy.
It's even more cold coffee.
It's sweet.
It's rewarding.
It's overwhelming,
and it's a lot more that's hard to convey,

but most importantly, it's worth every single second.

What's motherhood to you?

A Letter to my Husband

I am pretty sure my husband doesn't read much of what I put on the internet, not because he doesn't care or support me, but he literally has twenty thousand other things to read for work and grad school.  I know he cares, and I know he loves me.  He shows his love to me every day in word and in deed.  I am dedicating this one to him, because after all, he is my biggest cheerleader, my most dedicated listener, and my most favorite person.

---

Dear Mark,

When I first met you in Starbucks over 5 years ago, I really couldn't have predicted that it would land us in an 800-square foot apartment in Virginia with two kids and a cat. (Okay, the cat maybe, you were forced to inherit her) After meeting you for the third time, I am glad I finally remembered your name.  Day after day, sitting in Starbucks at the same table did something to me.  You showed me what being a man hungry for the Lord looked like on a daily basis; for the first time in my life I witnessed what it looks like for a man to be intentional in dating.  I saw what a platonic relationship formed from conversations on the pages of scriptures looked like, and got to feel that first hand.  You were everything I did not want to lose, but everything I told myself I wasn't worthy to have. So friends I convinced myself that's all we'd ever be.

On the night of my 23rd birthday you asked me if you could "pursue me in a dating relationship the way that Christ pursues the Church."  After picking up my jaw from the ground and scooping up my melted heart, I obliged, but wanted to take it slow.  So naturally, you thought 9 days later for our first date was slow.  Thank you for not going at my pace.

I am so grateful you didn't count my messy life before Christ against me.  I am so glad you only saw who Christ saw me to be: new, pure, whole.

Mark, your passionate and aggressive pursuit of the Lord is what I find so abnormally attractive in you.  Of course, there's your washboard abs, perfectly styled Hollywood hair, and those legs.....oh I'm sorry, I digress.  But when all your physical attractiveness fades from the world's standards, there you will be absolutely brilliant in Christ.  That is what is so unnaturally attractive in you, it's Christ.

I see the way you read your bible first thing in the morning.  I would be lying if it didn't irritate me to a degree.  Here I am slaving away trying to get Ezra to stop screaming, and all you can do is read your bible.  And then I have to stop myself and repent, because it is so incredibly beautiful and manly to see you seek the Lord.  There is nothing I would rather see you do in the morning.  I see the way you pray every night on your knees beside our bed.  And I would be lying if I didn't feel convicted watching you as I scroll aimlessly on my phone.  But again, that is what I find so attractive in you.  It's your ability to trust Jesus with not just our kids, not just our marriage, not just our finances or job, but it's literally the way you trust Jesus with your entire being.

Now is the part where you are too humble to accept me thinking all this of you, but this is what I see on a daily basis.  Now is the part where you say, "Yeah, but I know my heart, and I don't trust the Lord as I should."  But Mark, that's not what I see.

You challenge me daily to grow closer to the Lord.  I wish every marriage could have this element.  I wish every husband could offer as much encouragement as you offer me.  I wish every husband offered as much support to their wives as you provide for me.  Your plate is fuller than most, but still you find time to set aside specially for me.  I wish every husband could see their wives body language they way you see mine and talk it out.  I know you're not a mind reader, and I am sorry for trying to make you one.  Thank you for being patient with me, I know I am not the easiest person.

Thank you for listening to me, and not just for listening, but also hearing me.  You really hear me and it causes you to act in love in ways people drool over in movies.  I know we're not perfect and we don't have a perfect marriage, but as I see it, it's really close to what a lot of people probably dream of.  I know we have our disagreements, but thank you for not getting animated or heated about them.  Thank you for being a rational man and seeing me as your equal in marriage and parenting.  Submitting has always been a struggle for me, but being married to a man of your caliber sure makes it not only easier, but super enjoyable.  I wish all women found the joy in submitting to their husbands the way I have with you.  I am sorry for some of the words I say in anger or the numerous eye rolls and huffs under my breath in frustration.

I want to effectively emulate the porcelain the bible says women are.  I want to have the quiet and gentle spirit the bible commands women to embody.  I want to be diligent in seeking the Lord and raising our children to love Christ.  I want you to know I respect you, and I want to honor you in front of all, because you my Husband, are unmatched.  

So thank you for seeking the Lord, for loving him far above any one else or any thing.  Thank you for loving coffee as much as I do, for it is partly responsible for the last 5 years.  Thank you for being the most thoughtful husband and kindest dad.  You are so adored.


I love you,
R.

What I Mean When I Say I am "Pro-Life"

When I say I am "pro-life," I literally mean I value life, ALL life, made in the image of God.  A life He fashioned for a purpose.  He desires ALL persons to turn to him. All, not just the persons that look similar to your reflection.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
- 1 Peter 3:9

And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.
- Acts 4:12

I am pro-human; pro-unborn; pro-unsure pregnant mom; pro-poor; pro-wealthy; pro-refugee; pro-woman; pro-man; pro-LGBT; pro-enemy; pro-leaders; pro-police; pro-black; pro-white; pro-muslim; pro-christian. pro-LIFE. I am pro-PERSON.  I am "pro-life" because life is valuable in the eyes of our Maker.  We have value because of who created us.  Just like Starry Night is valuable because van Gogh painted it.  We are valuable because of who made us; and who made us is the great I AM.  From before the foundation of the world, he knew us and had us in mind.  As Jesus died on the cross, he had us in mind.  We are valuable because God says we are.  So from conception to resurrection, we are valuable and valued, all of us.  He created us in His likeness with dignity and purpose.

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.
- Isaiah 64:8

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, And You crown him with glory and majesty!
- Psalm 8:3-8

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness...God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
- Genesis 1:26-27

Whether we agree with decisions made by such persons or even support the lifestyles choices of those persons is contrary to whether or not we re able to extend love in a Christ-like way.  Others' sins are not to hinder our ability to demonstrate Christ's love; for if this was the case, we would still be separated from the great love of Christ.  He sought us in our sin, loved us, pulled us out of that sin, and walks with us in the path of righteousness.   Agreeing or disagreeing with someone's life choices is separate from our ability to care and value their lives.  It is unrelated to our responsibility and ability to share the redeeming love and salvation message of Christ.  Disagreeing with someone's choices should not cause us to see them as less than human or unworthy of Christ's love.  Whether they run this country, are growing inside the womb, have broken relationships, are fleeing from an oppressive government, or practice a different religion; if we shut out those who differ from us, how can we possibly demonstrate biblical Love to our neighbors.

my friend Sepideh and her parents: all are Iranian refugees

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.
- Mark 12:30-31

'For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me. “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.
- Matthew 25:35-46

But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side.  So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.  But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion.  He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him.  And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’  Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.
- Luke 10:29-37 

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:19

So when I say I am "pro-life," that is what I mean.





(updated from my original Facebook post)