oh hello darkness my old friend: Mia

5.04.2012 |


"if you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.  the temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  and God is faithful.  he will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.  when you are tempted, he will show you a way out so you can endure." 
–1 corinthians 10: 12-13

i chose to let Mia back into my life tonight. i know i should not have, but i chose to sit down with her after fighting her tooth and nail.  i took the easy road, i gave in to her.  Mia came back in my life tonight, after being essentially exiled for nearly 10-12 months.  i won't be seeing Mia again. 

help me stay accountable. i need prayer. why did i give in? why did i fail to believe God's truths? why did i instead trust in myself?  i'm angry with myself.


april 6, 2008-may 4, 2012
four years i gave you all i had and still it wasn't enough.  
you're not coming back here to chew your home in me
i just slipped up yet my mind has been changed
you are not my master, you just only bring me pain
i serve a God who's bigger and promises freedom
no longer am i your captive
tonight i flushed your hopes goodbye, forever.


Mia, my long lost “friend”
July 23, 2010
mia was on my mind
i couldn't shake her thoughts
she never left
now my stomach is in knots
i told her i was done
done being her friend
but she played her wicked games
now she's back again
mia likes to mess with me,
watch me hurt myself
i thought i had her bottled up
and put her on the shelf
yet still mia makes me feel alive,
feel everything you don't.
demented as it may sound;
but leave, she just won't
we laughed together
and shared my tears
mia, my long lost "friend"
through the years
i want to hate her
but she coaxes me into love
says if i only do this or that,
then i'll be that beautiful dove
i wish mia'd leave
but then i wish she would stay
i can never commit
mia, just go away


Flushed Away
April 3, 2010

she knew she shouldn't have 
temptation mounted 
and she climbed 
bitter she became 
not just the taste in her mouth 
what she sees are lies 
when she looks into the mirror 
there seems no other way 
to cure this one, mammoth piece 
but she is shattered into millions 
holding hate not for everyone 
but only for just herself 
as she sits on her knees 
clenching to the tile 
tears flow out of her eyes 
as she flushes her life away.



Mia, My Master?
March 10, 2010
i will not serve you
i want to refuse you as a crutch
i can not call you a friend
leave me and never come back
why did i let you back in?
why are you controlling me?
why can't i just forget you?
i do not want to be your slave
but there seems no other way
you try to be my master
and i flush you out of my life
why are you here?
why do i let you attack me?
why can't i just forget you?
i don't want to serve you
you don't deserve my time
but i give it to you anyway
i thought you had left.....



Mia Might Miss Me
June 30, 2009

i heard mia soothingly scream as i silently strayed by:
"welcome home renee
to the beautiful white tile
is it cold on your naked feet?"
"welcome to heaven,
close the door, dear girl.
it's the outlet to lies and horrible people.
"welcome back to peace,
it's been an entire week!
sit down now,
cradle me in your arms.
"welcome home renee,
tell me all your problems.
throw up all your guilt.
ill flush away your pain.
"welcome in to perfect paradise,
you can truly trust me;
ill tell you nothing but the truth
so long as you promise to visit, forgetful one.
"welcome back finally,
where you trying to abandon me!?
leave me for another!?
all i want is all of you.
"welcome in renee.
spit in my face
it's a sign of our growing friendship.
ill spit right back.
"welcome to security,
don't you ever leave me.
i swear i will find you, 
and nag you to your death."


Mia in Me
June 16, 2009

i have met a girl named mia. 
she makes me feel so strong.
im beautiful to her.
with her, i do no wrong.
mia is my comfort.
she is my smile when im torn.
she whispers to me sweet sounds.
with her, i feel reborn.
mia is my cornerstone.
my solid rock to stand.
whenever i am weak,
she lends her helping hand.
with this friend im whole,
i feel so full of breath
but with mia my last breath is took
she leads me to my death


Read Between the Lines, Dear Inmate
June 3, 2009
i am a prisoner to this ceramic tile.
you will not let me free.
you hold me in chains and cuffs.
your guards with watchful eyes.
i am stuck in this gagging routine.
nearly nothing is new.
you have stipend my calls,
help is now not listening.
you try to limit my intake
by documenting my deeds
but i steal like a thief
and then break like a victim
i feel like i am prisoner.
locked behind your colorless walls.
but the door is locked from the inside .
yet i am so very meek.
your barbed wire holds me in.
im afraid of leaving "home"
new inmates tell me it's time to flee
they do not know how this bowl screams
im brought to my knees
filled with guilt and shame
i deserve this prison treatment
my sentence has hardly begun

6 comments

  1. Praying for you. I know how hard it is to give into things we absolutely hate and want no part of. Maybe God put that back into your life for a brief moment to show you that His way is so much more life-giving :)

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    1. Thank you Molly! That moment of weakness sure did it's job. It completely opened my eyes and reinforced how wonderful God's way truly is. He is Freedom. He is Love. He is Light. Thanks for the comment, it really made my day. I appreciate you praying for you too, that means a lot. Thank you sis.

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  2. I realize you wrote this post a while back now, but I just now got around to reading it. It's very ironic that I just now got to it too, because just last night I gave into my addiction and had a weak moment. All day following I was frustrated with myself and couldn't understand why I let myself continue to fall into this habit. Your blog is always very helpful and encouraging though, and I swear God lead me to it for a reason because this isn't the first time your writing has been in tune with a situation in my life. I just wanted to say thanks for being bold enough to be open here and to share your walk with Christ including all of its high points and low points. I always feel like I'm alone, but you give me a sense of hope that I am not the only one that is still a work in progress.

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    1. dear sweet anonymous,

      thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post. i think it is incredible how God can lead us to what seems like the most random of places only to open our eyes. i hate that you have struggled with this in the past and are struggling with it now. i hope this post brought you some peace and comfort. i will be praying for you daily. i really love the bible verses 1 corinthians 10:12-13 and romans 6:12 and romans 6:16-17 and galatians 5:22-24. i hope these verses comfort you more than i ever could begin to. if you ever want to email me on a more personal level, my email is rm650@msstate.edu

      there is freedom from this bondage. you are not alone. God is bigger than binge eating and purging. God has made us into his MASTERPIECES! (Ephesians 2:10) don't think of yourself as anything less than that.

      love in Him,
      Renee

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    2. Renee,
      Thank you for the verses to look into, the encouragement, and most of all the prayers! I will definitely be looking into those verses soon. I must apologize for a bit of confusion though. I seem to have written something that came off a little wrong. When I spoke of my addiction, I spoke of one similar but different to that of binge eating and purging. I'm sorry for the confusion. My addiction is actually to self injury. Please do not be alarmed. It is something that I have done a good job of controlling, but some things have been going on recently and it got the best of me one night. I hope to put it behind me in the near future, but I know it will be difficult. Which is why I appreciate your blog so much, because like I said your words give me hope, and at this point any glimpse of hope or inspiration will help me to move past this. That is also the reason your prayers mean so much to me, becaust I know this is something I will not be able to move past alone.
      sincerely,
      anonymous

      PS my favorite is Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." I am not so good at it, but it's something I try to remember to do every moment I can.

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    3. hello sweet one,

      i hope you are doing well today. i have been praying for you. i hope you are feeling His perfect and comforting hands around you, especially in the darkest of days. there are days we struggle and there are days we feel fine, but let us never forget that our freedom comes from our dependence on Jesus.

      thinking of you often,
      renee

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