$3.59 for a quick fix and lasting regret

1.12.2012 |

here i sit waiting for my comforting, bold caffe verona to finish brewing.  i feel as though my insides are laying in a corner while my heart is struggling to maintain a pitter-patter beat and my brain splits open with ugly and hurtful thoughts.  how did i let myself stumble down this dark alley knowing that it only leads to shameful regret?

i needed a few things to prepare a homemade lunch-complete with my mother's famous spinach spring salad.  i hang a right and pull anxiously up to the local grocer.  i waltz in the store with a precise list of fruits and vegetables fresh on my mind, and willing to purchase nothing extraneous (or so i thought).

my black coffee is finished; one second while i pour myself an obnoxious amount of caffeinated love.

as i head to the express check-out out line with my oranges, spinach, strawberries, and banana nut muffins in tote, i come across the impulse-buy stand.  these bull's eye stands we are all too familiar with them at any store we visit.  "buy one, get one free," "10 for $10," etc.  well, this time, i did not turn my head.  i thought i could control myself.  i thought i was strong enough to resist.  i thought, "even if i buy this, it's not like i'm going to eat the entire thing today. there is NO way i would do that. i am stronger than i once was.  i could NEVER go back to my old life."  that is what i thought.  so, i bought a six pack of krispy kreme donuts for $3.59.  delicious, irresistible, phenomenal little indulgences, and yet, i, me, i was strong enough to withstand their deceptive pleasure. (insert devious laughter here) after all, i am allowed to treat myself on thursdays (one of my new year's resolutions was to deem thursday's my "snack, mediocre food" day).

thinking i could handle this box of sugar ceased when i walked out the automatic sliding doors of piggly wiggly and slid stealthily into my car. the anticipation had mounted in only a few short minutes and i opened the (now, satanic) box while still in the parking lot. just one, i told myself.  ok ok, fine, i'll stop at two.  no, before i knew it, i had devoured four original glazed donuts.

realization sat in as i was almost home.  "wow," i tell myself, "you are something else! you can't even stop at one!" and then i continued the self-bashing and berating and twisted my positive self-image and confidence into an image of nothing but dirt, grime, and soiled perfection.  staying true to one of my biggest accomplishments, i suffer the consequences of eating such foods.  i am not and refuse to purge. that is one road i am refusing to walk down again.  i have ended my ball and chain relationship with Mia, and i don't plan on being her slave ever again. i eat my normal lunch and continue as if nothing had happened, yet, inside i still feel as worthless as gum on the bottom of a broken school desk.

i'm sipping on my piping coffee and seeing my reflection in my oversized coffee mug.

the reflection tells me i am beautiful, even when my loss of self-control beats me down.  i am learning through this donut set-back.  i am not strong in myself. i am only strong when i rely on God to pull me through every situation.  i was relying on my accolades and my own willpower to advance my progress.  i am so very weak and God is so much stronger than i can begin to praise or credit Him.  it's not my power than i should be standing upon, it's not my abilities that i should trust to keep me on the straight and narrow, and though i do the things i know i shouldn't, God loves me the same (though that is SO hard for me to comprehend).
"when you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, division, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.  let me tell you again, as i have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But when the Holy Spirit control our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  here there is no conflict with the law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." galatians 5:19-24


All Of Me by Matt Hammitt on Grooveshark

you may be thinking to yourself, this seems silly, renee.  it was just four donuts. well, reader, it was not just "four donuts" too me.  this stems from somewhere deep inside and is an integral part of who i am as a woman of God and having a positive self-image.  may God be my bread of life, and fill me forever.

sip on Soli Deo Gloria

2 comments

  1. I am so proud of the way you handled this situation! First of all, choosing not to purge is huge! Also, realizing that you are weak on you own and only strong in Christ is humbling and liberating. Remember that no matter what we do, God sees us as righteous because the blood of Christ covers us. I love you so much! You are so strong and I'm so happy to see your relationship with God growing!

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  2. I'm trying to learn this lessn every single day! I know its frustrating but congrats on your growth, on the baby steps.

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