queen of broken hearts

in the middle of church, i started crying.  it was one of those cries that i tried to hide, but couldn't.  it was one of those cries where you put your head down and try to suck it up, but you just can't.  it was the cry that never spills on to your cheeks until that first blink, so you fight with all your might.  it was the cry where your vision is reduced to blurry shapes and simple shades of color.

i was not sure why i was crying.  it could have been because my forehead was on fire from burning it with a curling iron only minutes prior, (huge burn mark, please don't stare if you see me) or most likely it was because jesus loves me –fully and completely–with all my mistakes, failures, shortcomings.  he loves me when i can't love myself, he loves me when i feel alone, he loves me when it seems as if no one else does.  he loves my broken, shameful, deceitful heart.

it seems that i cannot write anything as of late.  my words are tangled up in my head and i cannot seem to let them out.  i type a sentence only with the knowledge that i will delete it as soon as i end it with a period.  why.....fear? fear of being further exposed than i already am? fear of hurting all over? fear of being broken? fear of being healed? fear of not having an excuse to be bitter? fear of fear itself?
i'm sitting at strangebrew trying to formulate these words.  maybe i should just dive headfirst into vulnerability, update you all on my heart disease.

i just got done reading andy stanley's enemies of the heart.  if you have never done so, i only recommend this book if you are willing to open up and see yourself for who you really are, because what you'll find is not too delightful pretty. i only suggest reading this book if you want to remove hinderances of the heart and if you want to take your relationship with jesus further.  this book will challenge you, it will cause you to do some extensive soul-searching and ludicrous heart-examining.

i finally(!) figured out where most of my anger and hurt originates from: my innocent eighth grade heart let down a guard and got a taste of impurity and then my desperate and attached heart got ripped to shreds after being cheated on....and since then, i have never been able to let it go.

i surfaced this old memory and i was forced to relive it– relive the pain and embarrassment and neglect.  it is odd how things stay with us for so long (nine years of trying to build a successful relationship on a broken foundation), but what is more impressive is  how we allow negative events in our life to take root in our heart and grow at an exponential rate.  soon, we forget the main cause of our pain and start blaming other people or other events.  pain dominos in our hearts, one seed of pain leads to sapling pains and you soon have a forrest of bitterness stealing all the nutrients from your heart.  let me tell you from first hand experience, when you leave pain unmanaged by the Healer, your heart becomes a ticking time bomb.  it is only a matter of time until your heart explodes and everyone around you feels the shrapnel and debris you harbored in your heart.  


dealing with pain is very uncomfortable, especially when i can distinctly remember my mother holding me, crying with me, and my heart beating so hard and fast that my thumbs were visibly pulsating.  nine years ago i learned that people can hurt you, so i have since "modified my behavior" (stanley) to ensure that no one ever hurts me like that again; because of this, i have allowed the fruits of my pain to poison every day.  it's time for an antidote.  nine years is quite long enough.  i'm thankful i caught it when i did, or it could have been another nine.  with each passing day, like true tree roots, the roots of pain embed themselves deeper in our hearts, they get stronger, and they require more energy.  i've gotten to the root of my problems, now i can start working up the ladder and deal with each pain accordingly.

pain is hard to let go. truly forgiving is even harder. however, it is imperative if you want to have successful and fruitful friendships, relationships, and life in general.


here i am (i need a coffee refill), dealing with pain of the past one memory at a time, letting go, forgiving others and myself, and desiring to live the life of abundance that jesus came to provide.   


when it boils down to it, you have the choice to be captive to your past and continue to live in suffering and shame, or you can choose to live in the present with expectant hope for the future, neglecting to feed your deceitful heart by guarding it against "every form of malice" (ephesians 4:31)