ponder the path

4.23.2014 |

this blog is titled "mulling over my morning coffee."  well, due to the recent life event switch, i don't really have an option to mull over my morning coffee.  i suppose i could get up at 5am like many successful people, but the pillows of wonder have a vice grip on my body.  no, i will not get up at 5, or 5:30, or even 6.  i prefer now to sleep until my alarm has buzzed nearly 5 times and i drag myself to the bathroom where it appears that brand new light bulbs have been plugged in to their sockets each time i flip on the light.

teaching is a lot of fun.  marraige is funner.

there are a lot of things i miss about one year ago at this time.  for example, mulling over my morning coffee (or rather mid morning 10am) and writing blogs like it was my job.  i miss getting to read any and every book in sight as if my mind was starving.  i miss going outside in the rain or sun 10-15 times a day.  yes, you can say that i miss a lot of things, but instead of harping on every detail of things of the past, i want to clue you in on how exciting this chapter of my life has been and how faithful the Author of my story is each day. (ok, i sort of teared up writing this paragraph.  change is hard)

ponder: to think about something before reaching a conclusion or decision, to carefully consider.

i need to ponder some things.

since i started working in august at the high school teaching microbiology, chemistry, and physical science, my relationship with the Lord took a backseat and i didn't buckle Him up.  so when i turned a new direction, it felt as if the Lord flew out the window due to newton's first law of motion, inertia.  i became so busy with the hum-drum of each day trying to survive each day in new territory while taking graduate level courses online with the most poorly-planned deadlines i've ever encountered.  making lesson plans and learning the material to teach students was a 19 hour a day affair, with my only breaks to sleep, of which i did minimal.  mark was so kind to put up with me through that time.  things i love stopped: reading, running, drawing on coffee cups, driving to the country just to hear the birds, spending time with the Lord at any point in my day. it stopped out of fear of failure in my job, which in my mind was a considerable fear seeing as the first day in the classroom was the first day since may 2008 i had stepped foot into a high school one.  i knew all the sunday school lines to recite to myself about how God is the one in control and he will get you through tough times and how i should cast all my anxieties on the Lord, but i was so consumed with keeping my head above water that i didn't want to listen to the very words that would be my safety float. the things i love stopped, but did they have to? should they have?

no.

and no.

those were easy, and mostly rhetorical questions.

around christmas, my spirits were lifted as i was granted a two week vacation away from the stressors of my job and headed towards a new destination out of town.  it didnt matter where, i just wanted to get away.  ever been in that situation?  looking back, i think i just needed a refresher and a pick-me-up.  i wasn't running away, just got a chance to "restart" in sorts.

after returning to my mississippi home after a quick christmas, so many things were happening.  i was within 3 months of marrying my best human friend, i now had to instruct 70 new students in las sciencias, and i was one semester away from obtaining that master's degree.  but this came with a breath of fresh air.  after seeing how relying on my own strength tired me out like a dog, asking the Lord for strength but not really believing He was the one getting me through each 90-minute class period, i was done trying to "get through" another semester of teaching by myself.  i was sad and tired. sad because i realized that my Hope and Comfort wasn't as alive as i wanted. tired because i kept playing catch up with sermons or discipleship or nearly abandoned it all together.

about 40 days before getting married things changed.  it didn't matter if i forgot to set up the lab, copy 50 5-page tests, create a rubric, or buy supplies for a demonstration.  i was going to do what it took to spend time with my Rock.  and wouldn't you believe this, after spending time with Christ in prayer or reading in my bible, that EVERYTHING always got done.  someone slap me next time this happens (i've actually probably said this before because i feel that with any life change this happens, ok so slap me please).  i don't mean to sound idealistic and say well if you spend 45 minutes in the Word, then the Lord will magically give you 6 hours to finish every thing you needed to get done.  no, it's hard.  i still lost sleep, but what was exciting about growing in likeness to my Savior is that i no longer had to worry if what i needed to get done would get done.  i got my priorities in line and in order, and everything else paled in comparison.

the Lord never stopped pursuing me.  he was there, he didn't fly through the window (thanks newton).  he stayed in the backseat just long enough for me to see that i really didn't want to drive this life by myself.  so thankful for his mercy and grace.

ponder the path of your feet, then all your ways will be sure
proverbs 4:26
so let me tell you, reader who will probably go through a major life change in the inching nearer future, don't stop. don't stop reading, don't you dare stop reading.  i know it's hard.  i know it's frustrating. i know it is tiring. i know the last thing you want to do after talking, typing, presenting, calculating, and stacking all day is to read small words on a thin page, but they are more than just words.  it is a breath of fresh air, a love letter written with you in mind, an encouraging note in your lunch box, and the way to Life.  so don't stop reading because you are afraid.

it won't be long until my next post, but i really should go sip on some java.  i've only had one cup today, am i sick?

don't stop doing the things you love.  don't. okay.....no i mean it, DON'T!

"here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above"
  

3 comments

  1. Oh my gosh. This post is seriously like my heart on the screen! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. just going back rereading some of my old work and saw this comment. again, i find myself here at this point. ah, a cycle. i am in grave need of the Lord's guidance and more depending on him.

      Delete
  2. Thank you for being so transparent. You've had lots of major changes in your life; praying for you! Love you.
    Melita

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...