5 Altars in my Life

I just got back from a high school youth retreat where our theme was "12 Stones."  This theme was taken from the first few verses in Joshua 4.  Gary did such a wonderful job of pointing us to God's truths in his word and applying those truths to our lives in a powerful way.  Very blessed for his ministry.

"When all the nation had finished passing over the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, "Take twelve men from the people, from each tribe a man, and command them, saying, 'Take twelve stones from here out of the midst of the Jordan, from the very pace where the priests' feet stood firmly, and bring them over with you and lay them down in the place where you lodge tonight.'"  Then Joshua called the twelve men from each tribe.  And Joshua said to them, "Pass on before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, that this may be a sign among you.  When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD.  When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.  So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." And the people of Israel did just as Joshua commanded and took up twelve stones out of the midst of the Jordan according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, just as the LORD told Joshua.  And they carried them over with them to the place where they lodged and laid them down there.  And Joshua set up twelve stones in thee midst of the Jordan, in the place where the feet of the preexists bearing the ark of the covenant had stood; and they are there to this day."
-Joshua 4:1-9

Joshua lead the Israelite across the Jordan River and as a reminder to future generations, he set up an altar of 12 stones. That would forever be a symbol for all that came by the pile of rocks as to what God had done in the Israelites' lives.

This was an incredibly meaningful weekend away from cell service and the every day routine.  It got me thinking about what things in my life serve as an alter to remind me of God's faithfulness in my life and to serve as a testimony to other people.

I came up with these few things:

1. MY TATTOO
My tattoo serves as an altar because it is an external reminder for me as to what Christ has done in my life.  I drew the picture that is on my back when I was doing my quite time and going through the verse Proverbs 4:23.  God was able to take my dead and dull heart and make it alive.  It reminds me of the verse in Ezekiel that talks about replacing my heart of stone with a soft heart.  It also serves as a way to share Jesus with other people.  It is a testimony piece.  When people ask about it, I am able to brag on God and all the amazing things he has done in my life.

For an in depth response as to why I got my anatomically correct heart tattoo, click reason for my ink and the human heart

2. "OCEANS"
You may have heard this song and may have heard it one too many times if you listen to the radio; however, in this current season of my life I am so overwhelmed at the unknown possibilities that await me.  This song soothes me because of the truths it boasts.  Listen to this song as you continue reading this post.

I have no idea what I am doing with trying to be a mom- nor did I technically sign up to be a mom in the first place- but God knows what is best for me and knows what I need.  So he provides.  This song reminds me to call out to Christ at all times, especially in the unknown times when I am so prone to run away from him and rely on my own strength.   There is a proclamation in the song that is so incredibly difficult for me to utter at times. 

"Spirit lead me where my trust out borders, let me walk upon your waters wherever you would call me, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

I know with saying this God will honor that and take me through seasons where I have to depend on him and go through things that might be hard and that is scary to me, but I also know that the reward is Jesus and that is comforting.  Tears fall from my face and the lump forms in my throat whenever I try to sing this song.   This is an alter because whenever I hear this song, I can come back to this season in my life and remember how faithful God has been and all the incredible things he has been teaching me: see Raw Emotions: Pregnancy.  3. BLACKJACK RD and MY SISTER
You may know that I ran in college for Mississippi State.  well, I still run (or woggle in pregnancy), but it's my passion.  One day in August 2014 I was running after work and talking to my sister on the phone (through my headphones, mind you) as I normally would.  We were talking and she made me cry while running, so much that I had to stop and walk right where I was.  She was commenting on how she didn't know what the heck she was doing with her life but desired to have a dating relationship that mirrored Mark's relationship with me.  I told her that that only comes when we are secure in our relationship with Christ and proceeded to ask her (and this was really hard) if she had ever surrendered her life to Christ.  I knew she knew the right things to do and the right things to

say, but I wanted to know if she had surrendered her desires to Christ.  Her response, "No, but I have been thinking about it."  The conversation brought me to tears, because I could see how the Lord was actively pursuing my little sister who I absolutely loved more than most of the human race combined.  Two weeks later I got to see my sister at our family's lake house and she was reading her bible and I asked her about the question I had previously asked her.  She said, "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.  I already did that!"  It was humorous but joyous all at the same time.  If you know my sister now, you know that God has done a mighty work in her life and is continuing to shape her (as he is all of us) into a closer image of himself.

Every time I pass by that gravel spot on Blackjack Road, I am reminded of how God can take a broken and filthy sinner and make her completely clean and full in him.  When I go through seasons of doubt and questioning myself, I can look at my sister and she is a constant reminder to me that God is faithful to his children and he is more gracious and merciful than I can begin comprehend.

4. THIS BLOG and MY JOURNALS
This blog serves as a testimony to other people and a reminder to myself.  I have gotten several emails, texts, anonymous comments, and messages that have explained a difficult situation they have gone through and how the words on this internet page have helped them in whatever way.  I am comforted by that because it is all God.  I am just writing done what the Lord has put on my heart because writing is another passion of mine.  I tend to reread my posts from time to time and find that the very posts that I wrote speak to me in brand new ways.

I love going back in my journals to see what God has done and how he has answered prayers and brought me in and out of seasons in my life.  I love looking back to see what fruits have been produced in my life and how I handled specific situations.  I can just look at the journals I know I have filled the pages with scripture and truth and that is comforting.

5. PICTURES
Maybe you are like me, but one of the greatest altars or external reminders for me is something visual.  I love to look at pictures.  I know that when I post a picture to Instagram or Facebook or just keep it tucked away on my phone, there is a story behind it.  A lot of times I use Instagram as a place to pour out my heart for what God has been teaching me (no matter how crumby or messy it may be).  When I put a verse with a picture or explain the story behind the photo, I remember it.  When I search back through and view these pictures I am instantly taken back to how God moved in that moment.

I don't know what altars you have in your life.  Maybe it is a kind notes written from someone during a difficult time, a song, a voicemail, a person you can look at who lead you to Christ, maybe it is your favorite coffee mug, or a scar.  I don't know what it is, but I do know that having an altar is important to remind us of how faithful God has been in our past and how he will continue to be faithful in the future.  It is who he is.

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• What are the altars you have built in your life to point back to Christ?
• How are you continuing to build altars in your life?
• Why do you think it is important to build altars like Joshua did in chapter 4?

Raw emotions: Pregnancy

My love of coffee (or at least my palate for lattes) has returned.  My favorite drink right now taste like liquid cinnamon teddy grahams.  From Starbucks, I highly recommend getting a non-fat toasted graham latte with 2 pumps cinnamon dolce syrup.  Taste. Enjoy and then thank me.

Before I start writing, I want you to know that it is not my intent to offend anyone on the topic of pregnancy.  I realize that everyone has their own frustrations, complications, and feelings on the topic of growing a watermelon within.  I simply want to express my raw feelings for what they are or were.  There are a myriad of feelings racing through my mind daily, and I feel as if they change as quickly, as drastically, and as often as the weather here in Mississippi.  Please take my words as my feelings, and nothing more.  I realize that everyone has a different story.  Some are happy.  Some are sad.  Then there is my story: a messy mixture of fear, happiness, anger, delight, disgust, uneasiness, and the unknown.

I found out that I was pregnant on March 2, just a few short days before our first anniversary as a married couple.  To say that I was shocked and surprised is an absolute understatement.  I was bewildered.  I did not know how to tell Mark that he was gonna be a dad, because to be honest, I didn't even know how to comprehend the magnitude of it myself.  I didn't know how to let something like the fact that there is a human being growing inside of me sink in.  So I didn't tell him at all.  I just laid on the couch after dinner in between episodes of Friends crying in his lap like the hysterical, emotional mess that I was.  After no words would come out of my mouth, Mark simply guessed that I was pregnant.  Thank goodness he guess because I'm not sure I could have said those words out loud.  It would have made it too real in the moment, and I don't think I could have handled it.  He was elated, and I instantly fed off of his excitement.  I knew he would be thrilled, but there was this (I thought shared) expectation that a baby would be welcomed in our house after some two years of being married.  Well, welcome baby, you came early, and we are going to be your parents.

"The heart of man plans his ways, but the Lord establishes his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9 ESV 

There are several emotions that go through a woman's head when she finds out she is pregnant.  For most women, I imagine they are euphoric and instilled with awe and wonder of motherhood.  For me, I was immediately terrified.  I couldn't imagine going through the roller coaster of peeing on a stick and watching those two blue bars appear without having someone to tell you that it's gonna be okay.

I know I may sound ungrateful and selfish and hypocritical and insane throughout this post, but there are so many emotions that I have had to process through this entire 9 month journey.


Surprise
Never underestimate the element of surprise.  This surprise led to so many more emotions that I felt as if I was going insane and needed to be medicated.  Ezra's existence was not exactly planned by Mark and I, which is beautiful in itself, but I found out quickly how human plans don't uphold but nothing thwarts the Lord's plan.  I find immense comfort in the fact that God is never surprised.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."
-Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

Sadness/Disgust
This is a real, raw emotion I have felt several times and I don't want it to mask any of the others, nor do I wish you to read too far into what I write.  There have been moments of absolute breakdown and ugly cries because I am sad.  My body changed.  My world is about to change.  It is never going to be Mark and I again, and as much as people tell me that it will be better than anything I ever knew before, there is still that element of fear and sadness that loom because I have never taken this step before.  Please don't think I am lunatic because I am sad, it happens, and maybe some people even say it is normal.  Yes, my life is going to change dramatically, I know.

Fear/Anxiety
As I have said, fear hangs its hat sometimes.  Am I going to be a good mom?  What about discipline in the middle of the grocery store?  Is the child going to like me at all?  What about other moms who don't do things like me? Is my marriage going to be a best friend relationship still?  What if Mark likes the baby more than me?  What if I start trying to mother my husband? Am I going to be able to handle working and being a wife and being a mom?  Is my body going to go back to normal?  Will this pain and lump in my groin ever go away?

I think the fear I have mostly is from the unknown.  Unnecessarily worrying about things over which I have zero percent control.  Simply just typing these questions out makes me want to cry.  I know there is no room for fear in the Christ-follower's heart.  Mark has encouraged me to start my day with talking to the Lord and telling him all my fears.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper times he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
-1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV

Anger
My anger is selfish.  Maybe you're not pregnant, but your mental plan of A.B.C. didn't exactly check out the way you anticipated.  That's where I am.  I don't even know what my plan was, but I didn't see "giving birth to a human and living happily ever after" on the near radar.  I truly was angry, and it made me even angrier to see everyone so happy for us.  I felt like I was closed up on the inside, looked behind my emotions, and I had to put this mask on pretending to be just as excited as everyone else when really I hadn't reached that emotion yet.  I have repented of this anger and the Lord is faithful and just to forgive me of my anger (1 John 1:9).

"Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil."
-Psalm 37:8 ESV

Happiness
By trade I maybe should have been a mother in the first place.  In high school and throughout college I was always referred to as the Mother Hen.  I deeply care for those younger than me and want to see them make the right decisions.  I am incredibly protective, but understand that some life lessons have to be learned on your own.  It makes me so happy that the Lord has chosen me to be the mother of this little human inside me.  No one else, me.  He wanted this little boy to grow up in the presence of Mark and I.  He planned that.  He knew that.  That is comforting, yet also incredibly terrifying.  Me, I know how much I suck at life some times.

Anticipation
Currently there are five and a half weeks standing between this little growing human bean and the outside world (if he cooks until his due date).  We are anxious to meet this nugget and have tried to ready his nursery as best as we can.  I am excited, the possibilities that once grew into unchecked fear are now excitement and elation. The possibilities are endless.

Trust
After much quiet time with the Lord and seeking wisdom from the ladies in my d-group, these emotions you could categorize as negative were birthed simply out of not trusting the Lord.  I was not trusting that the Lord could handle my situation.  I wanted control of the outcome of my life, which is not how it works.  Now I know that the Lord's ways are so much higher than mine, and so are his thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).  I know that the Lord is going to lead me through this unforeseeable future of motherhood.  He doesn't expect me to be perfect.  He doesn't expect me to get it right the first time.  What he desires over anything is for me to trust that He knows best and for me to follow his lead. I don't have to fall into the trap of being the perfect mom, because whatever the Lord gives me in motherhood will be perfect for my child.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

I am trusting that I will learn more about God's sovereignty.  I am trusting that I will learn more of God's deep, deep love for us, his children as I raise my own child.  I trust that I will learn just how much God cares for me as I will see how giving up a child could be so hard, yet that is exactly what God did through Christ so that I may live in eternal community with him.

"Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!"
-Romans 11:33

As wacky and messed up as my feelings may seem at times, I think I will miss the rib kicks, waking up at 2 AM because I lost my pillow, the inability to eat as much food as I used to, and oddly enough, the aching pain/hernia/ligament/lump in my groin which doesn't allow me to walk or run.  I will miss these because I know it is bringing something far better.  And for all the emotions I have now, I know there are far more to be had.  Through it all, I will trust in the Lord's unfailing love.

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Our story all started with a cup of coffee...

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Assurance of Salvation

My taste for coffee has returned.  What a blessing.  I still can not consume bottomless cups of black coffee like I could pre-pregnancy, but at least the smell and taste are not repulsive.  It has been a long 5.5 months without coffee.

I'm at 929 coffee bar, where Mark and I had our wedding reception, drinking an iced, non-fat, vanilla latte.  I am pondering over obedience to Christ, freedom in Christ, ultimate joy in Christ, and the assurance of salvation.

Has doubt ever crept into your mind and festered there to where it has bothered you so much?  Maybe it was about his goodness and faithfulness.  Maybe it was about God's promises for your life or his word.  Maybe, if yo hare like me, doubts creep in about your salvation.

"In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."
-Ephesians 1:13

Doubts aren't necessarily a bad thing if they cause you to cling closer and harder to Christ.  In spite of doubt, you know God's truths but it's hard to take accept it some times.

God promises that we are his children when we believe that we are in need of a savior because we are a fallen people.  When we believe that Jesus Christ, his perfect Son, is that savior who died a criminal's death in our place, we are counted as his heirs.  When we repent of our sins and turn to Jesus for that redemption, we are his children.  We are to believe into the saving grace of Jesus Christ, trust that Christ's plan for our lives is better and far more rewarding that anything this world could offer.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved-and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kinds toward us in Christ Jesus.  For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand."
-Ephesians 2:4-10

However, doubt still creeps in.  We know we believe, but why would God allow this doubt to spring into our lives.  Perhaps it is to wake us up and strive for a more intimate relationship with Christ.  Maybe it is God himself opening our eyes and calling us to himself for the first time.  Maybe it is revealing that we truly care where our relationship with Christ rests.  Sometimes we tend to become anxious about the things we care about most, and a relationship with Christ could be the same.  It could be the enemy trying earnestly to squelch our passion for Christ and discourage us from living set apart lives.

When I doubt, I cling to God's word.  I examine my own life and remember who I was without Christ.  I look at my sister, who surrendered her life to Christ in the Fall of 2014.  She is a beautiful reminder of God's promises and grace and transforming power.

Regardless of this, doubt is a part of the Christian walk.  We can see examples of doubt in some of the people who loved Jesus most: Peter, Thomas, and James the brother of Jesus.

Jesus, however, drew them closer to himself and showed each one of them that He was better than the world had to offer, that He was the true Messiah, that He was worthy of putting all of their trust in.

So if you ever doubt, here are some comforting verses straight from God's word which is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.

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"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
-Philippians 1:6

That is a promise.  He will.

"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life."
-1 John 5:13

God provides us reassurance that we have eternal life when we believe in the name of the Son of God (Jesus).  Eternal life isn't a distant concept, but a here-and-now reality as we walk in obedience for the pursuit of enjoying Jesus more deeply.

"...who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."
-1 Corinthians 1:8

Those who God has saved, he will keep.  His Holy Spirit provides that power, not you and your own purposing.

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!' The Spirit himself bears witness with out spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellows heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."
-Romans 8:14-17

We could not (and would not) cry out to Jesus in an intimate way such a Father if we were not united with Christ by the grace of God.

"And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."
-Romans 8:30

The only thing you can do with this verse is marvel in the omniscience of the Lord.  If Jesus knows you will be saved, he is not going to let you slip away.

"And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you.  Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one.  While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me.  I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled."
-John 17:11-12

Jesus prays for us that we would be one as Jesus and God are one.  Jesus and his saving power keeps us for all time when we surrender our ambitions to him.  This is believing in Christ.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it."
-1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

If it is Jesus who saves us, it is Jesus who keeps us.  He is faithful.  That is a promise.

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."
-Jude 24-25

God is the only one who is able to keep us and he will keep us when we surrender our lives.  In fact, it is HIS JOY to present us to God as holy and blameless.

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I hope these verses remind you of the great love that God has lavished on us.  If you are experiencing a season of doubt, cling to Jesus.  There is something that Jesus will teach you through this storm.  He is the one who will keep you until the end.  If you have never surrendered your life to Christ, what is stopping you?  There is an unmatched joy rooted in Christ.