Raw emotions: Pregnancy

10.05.2015 |

My love of coffee (or at least my palate for lattes) has returned.  My favorite drink right now taste like liquid cinnamon teddy grahams.  From Starbucks, I highly recommend getting a non-fat toasted graham latte with 2 pumps cinnamon dolce syrup.  Taste. Enjoy and then thank me.

Before I start writing, I want you to know that it is not my intent to offend anyone on the topic of pregnancy.  I realize that everyone has their own frustrations, complications, and feelings on the topic of growing a watermelon within.  I simply want to express my raw feelings for what they are or were.  There are a myriad of feelings racing through my mind daily, and I feel as if they change as quickly, as drastically, and as often as the weather here in Mississippi.  Please take my words as my feelings, and nothing more.  I realize that everyone has a different story.  Some are happy.  Some are sad.  Then there is my story: a messy mixture of fear, happiness, anger, delight, disgust, uneasiness, and the unknown.

I found out that I was pregnant on March 2, just a few short days before our first anniversary as a married couple.  To say that I was shocked and surprised is an absolute understatement.  I was bewildered.  I did not know how to tell Mark that he was gonna be a dad, because to be honest, I didn't even know how to comprehend the magnitude of it myself.  I didn't know how to let something like the fact that there is a human being growing inside of me sink in.  So I didn't tell him at all.  I just laid on the couch after dinner in between episodes of Friends crying in his lap like the hysterical, emotional mess that I was.  After no words would come out of my mouth, Mark simply guessed that I was pregnant.  Thank goodness he guess because I'm not sure I could have said those words out loud.  It would have made it too real in the moment, and I don't think I could have handled it.  He was elated, and I instantly fed off of his excitement.  I knew he would be thrilled, but there was this (I thought shared) expectation that a baby would be welcomed in our house after some two years of being married.  Well, welcome baby, you came early, and we are going to be your parents.
"The heart of man plans his ways, but the Lord establishes his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9 ESV 
There are several emotions that go through a woman's head when she finds out she is pregnant.  For most women, I imagine they are euphoric and instilled with awe and wonder of motherhood.  For me, I was immediately terrified.  I couldn't imagine going through the roller coaster of peeing on a stick and watching those two blue bars appear without having someone to tell you that it's gonna be okay.

I know I may sound ungrateful and selfish and hypocritical and insane throughout this post, but there are so many emotions that I have had to process through this entire 9 month journey.

Never underestimate the element of surprise.  This surprise led to so many more emotions that I felt as if I was going insane and needed to be medicated.  Ezra's existence was not exactly planned by Mark and I, which is beautiful in itself, but I found out quickly how human plans don't uphold but nothing thwarts the Lord's plan.  I find immense comfort in the fact that God is never surprised.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."
-Psalm 139:13-16 ESV
This is a real, raw emotion I have felt several times and I don't want it to mask any of the others, nor do I wish you to read too far into what I write.  There have been moments of absolute breakdown and ugly cries because I am sad.  My body changed.  My world is about to change.  It is never going to be Mark and I again, and as much as people tell me that it will be better than anything I ever knew before, there is still that element of fear and sadness that loom because I have never taken this step before.  Please don't think I am lunatic because I am sad, it happens, and maybe some people even say it is normal.  Yes, my life is going to change dramatically, I know.

As I have said, fear hangs its hat sometimes.  Am I going to be a good mom?  What about discipline in the middle of the grocery store?  Is the child going to like me at all?  What about other moms who don't do things like me? Is my marriage going to be a best friend relationship still?  What if Mark likes the baby more than me?  What if I start trying to mother my husband? Am I going to be able to handle working and being a wife and being a mom?  Is my body going to go back to normal?  Will this pain and lump in my groin ever go away?

I think the fear I have mostly is from the unknown.  Unnecessarily worrying about things over which I have zero percent control.  Simply just typing these questions out makes me want to cry.  I know there is no room for fear in the Christ-follower's heart.  Mark has encouraged me to start my day with talking to the Lord and telling him all my fears.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper times he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
-1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV
My anger is selfish.  Maybe you're not pregnant, but your mental plan of A.B.C. didn't exactly check out the way you anticipated.  That's where I am.  I don't even know what my plan was, but I didn't see "giving birth to a human and living happily ever after" on the near radar.  I truly was angry, and it made me even angrier to see everyone so happy for us.  I felt like I was closed up on the inside, looked behind my emotions, and I had to put this mask on pretending to be just as excited as everyone else when really I hadn't reached that emotion yet.  I have repented of this anger and the Lord is faithful and just to forgive me of my anger (1 John 1:9).

"Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil."
-Psalm 37:8 ESV

By trade I maybe should have been a mother in the first place.  In high school and throughout college I was always referred to as the Mother Hen.  I deeply care for those younger than me and want to see them make the right decisions.  I am incredibly protective, but understand that some life lessons have to be learned on your own.  It makes me so happy that the Lord has chosen me to be the mother of this little human inside me.  No one else, me.  He wanted this little boy to grow up in the presence of Mark and I.  He planned that.  He knew that.  That is comforting, yet also incredibly terrifying.  Me, I know how much I suck at life some times.

Currently there are five and a half weeks standing between this little growing human bean and the outside world (if he cooks until his due date).  We are anxious to meet this nugget and have tried to ready his nursery as best as we can.  I am excited, the possibilities that once grew into unchecked fear are now excitement and elation. The possibilities are endless.

After much quiet time with the Lord and seeking wisdom from the ladies in my d-group, these emotions you could categorize as negative were birthed simply out of not trusting the Lord.  I was not trusting that the Lord could handle my situation.  I wanted control of the outcome of my life, which is not how it works.  Now I know that the Lord's ways are so much higher than mine, and so are his thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).  I know that the Lord is going to lead me through this unforeseeable future of motherhood.  He doesn't expect me to be perfect.  He doesn't expect me to get it right the first time.  What he desires over anything is for me to trust that He knows best and for me to follow his lead. I don't have to fall into the trap of being the perfect mom, because whatever the Lord gives me in motherhood will be perfect for my child.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6
I am trusting that I will learn more about God's sovereignty.  I am trusting that I will learn more of God's deep, deep love for us, his children as I raise my own child.  I trust that I will learn just how much God cares for me as I will see how giving up a child could be so hard, yet that is exactly what God did through Christ so that I may live in eternal community with him.
"Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!"
-Romans 11:33

As wacky and messed up as my feelings may seem at times, I think I will miss the rib kicks, waking up at 2 AM because I lost my pillow, the inability to eat as much food as I used to, and oddly enough, the aching pain/hernia/ligament/lump in my groin which doesn't allow me to walk or run.  I will miss these because I know it is bringing something far better.  And for all the emotions I have now, I know there are far more to be had.  Through it all, I will trust in the Lord's unfailing love.

Our story all started with a cup of coffee...

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