I Suck at Being Intentional, but Got Spontaneity

I don't really have words for all the emotions that have been making their selves at home in me over the last few months.  We moved across the country away from everything that was familiar and homey; I am pregnant with my second child; and now stay at home to take care of Ezra each day.  There are a lot of transitions and new life changes that have happened for us all at once.  And that's scary.

Just trying to recite Psalm 29, for whatever we walk through, glory is his.

I think one of the things that I find myself talking a lot about doing, but rarely finding time to do it is simply 'resting in Jesus.'  To be still before Jesus.  He is truly the only thing constant in my life.  I am trying to find and make new friends, figure out a daily routine with a near 1-year-old, learn the driving routes of a new town, and somehow be at peace with another tiny human growing more each day within me.  My attitude has not always been a peaceful one, but more of a simmering bitterness, cause this stuff is hard and it's not in my easy comfort zone.

As a stay-at-home mom, I feel so guilty answering the questions, "How was your day?" or "What did you do today?" Because when I answer that question, the answer is 'I honestly have no idea what I have done all day.'  I had so much free time, yet at the same time, every minute from 8AM to 6PM escaped me.  I changed about 10 diapers, I did our laundry, I cleaned our house, I got Ezra to eat some green beans, I was able to walk through Target without Ezra screaming, and yet, I still feel like I did nothing at all because what do I have to show for it?  Life is just different now.

I have been struggling with the idea of resting in Jesus and even saying "it is well with my soul."  I know it is good, and I know God's plan for my life is better than anything I could wing on my own.   I know this, and constantly remind myself, and even others.  I know that the Lord provides for his children because I have seen it play out time and time again.  I know Jesus sees every tear that falls and he comforts us in those moments.  I know Jesus hates to see me struggle through these tough trials that he allows to come my way, but his ways are so much higher than my ways (Is 55:8-9).  He knows that they are for my good, to draw me ever nearer to him and to change my heart to be more like his.  It is all for my good, and for his ultimate glory (Rm 8:26-30).

My friend Bre spoke this morning about spending two different types of time with Jesus: intentional and spontaneous.  Truthfully, I am really good at spending the spontaneous, unplanned time with Jesus - where I just pick up in prayer with Christ, bust out in a worship song in the kitchen or while I drive, talk to Ezra randomly about a verse, or ask Mark about what something in the Bible means.  But where I find myself increasingly lazy and consistently making excuses for not doing it, is spending that intentional time - regardless if it is 5 minutes or 50 minutes.  I make excuses or find something else to do instead of sitting down before Jesus to really hear what he has to say to me.  Yes, I repeat and walk in those promises he has given me each day, but I need more.  I am limiting my personal walk with Christ, as well as my family's growth, when I don't intentionally sit down with the One who created me to then in turn glorify him.

A strange position in which I have placed myself.  And even now, as I write this, I know that Jesus works even through this dry season, for I have been bought with the price of His life. And perhaps even this dry season will result in all the more glory. 2 Thess 1:11-12 (Note: don't go looking for a dry season so you can glorify God, you can do that right now, where you are in the spiritual season you are in.)

There are two songs that have really spoken truths to me (the ones I bust out spontaneously in my kitchen and car).  I call them my anthems of the season.  I can usually hear a song and remember what season I was in and why it means so much to me.  I am sure you have songs like that.

Here are two songs that I encourage you to listen them, just put on in the background once you leave this page and continue your interweb dealings. Or sing along, lyrics provided. (Questions below)



 

• Do you ever get in seasons where intentionality or sponanteity come more natural to you? 
• How do you break out of seasons of dryness?
• What does "being still" and "resting in Jesus" look like in your life?

I'd love to hear from you, you know, just so I know I'm not a psychotic weirdo who is the first person to ever struggle with this kind of stuff.  Until next time,