daily

"Never mind your worries. Never mind your fears. They can only take you far from me. When you feel there's nowhere left for you to turn, I got all you want and everything you need.  Come on back to me"  

-God

lonely.

this morning i awoke from a night of utter loneliness and instantly, as if somehow programed in my robotic brain, i brewed my dark-raost, bold in my personal handcrafted heart mug.  instant coffee, instant comfort.  i was exhausted in every way possible when i crawled out of bed and unmotivated to do just about everything, and everything.  last night, i wanted to be alone, i wanted everyone to go away, but i wanted the comfort, i wanted the security, i wanted the warmth of someone who cared.  instead, i remained lonely.  i was angry because i was alone, but conversely, i was angry because i wanted to be alone.  i was angry that i was so tired and lifeless, and i was angry because i felt isolated from my friends who went to a party. i make absolutely no sense at all. 

my eyes have been opened wide and i am seeing myself for who i really am, my weaknesses are exposed, and there are faults i am no longer able to cover up or excuse with simple phrases and people.  

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness"
-2 corinthians 12:9a

people perceive me to be one thing, a person with 'x' amount of goodness, but they only know half of me.  let me spell it out for you, Reader.  along with all the good traits, qualities, characteristics, fruit that i know are ingrained in my very being, are so these weaknesses and flaws.  

usually, when loneliness ensues and i find someone to cheer me up. i talk to a girlfriend or consume myself in studies, i text a guy or i numb my mind on the couch. none of which are bad things in and of themselves, but are not sufficient in dealing with load-bearing loneliness.  

loneliness. it's human, right?

how i deal with loneliness is my sick weakness in need of reshaping.  i am tired of searching for a means of security through other people and what they have to offer me.  i am tired of texting a guy just waiting on a response to see if i move left or right, actions defined by someone else, only to be longing for another few meaningless words on a illuminated cell phone screen.  it is only ripping my emotions to shreds. i listen to songs that tell me i am pretty and that tell me i am better off alone any way, initially giving me hope and then letting me down when the stereo high fades.  i am tired of talking to a girlfriend who just fills me up with malicious words of another, which initially build me up but only leave me broken for other people.  it wears me thin. i am tired of wasting time striving for perfection in my studies only to receive a sub-par mark. i am not a perfect 4.0.  i am tired of producing nothing beneficial from hours in front of the tube, i gain a few laughs here and there but then they are quickly gone. stealing smiles from a few actors who will never know my name. pointless and meaningless. loneliness closes in, a seemingly never ending cycle.

loneliness. how do i combat this ever growing shot to the heart?

as i said, there are plenty of things that just temporarily fill me up and satisfy my immediate craving for attention or fill my most recent void.  however, they are few and fleeting, usually leading to a series of bad decisions.  

"give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you."
-1 peter 5:7

when i am lonely, my first instinct is not to turn to God when i know it should be.  this realization leads me to retreat further and further, unworthy of God's comfort and love. 

because i am working on starving my weaknesses and cravings, i am drawing closer to the Lord in the process.  because where there were 7 strings pulling me every which way, now only a few strings remain attached to my heart.  i am working ever so diligently, with minor set backs here and there, to pluck those strings off my heart and sealing those gaps with God's grace only, not with empty text messages or tv shows. 

"keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for.  keep on looking, and you will find. keep on knocking and the door will be opened. for everyone who asks, receives. everyone who seeks, finds. and the door is opened to everyone who knocks."
-matthew 7:7-8

but loneliness?

i suppose it is human to get lonely from time to time and crave the presence of someone tangible. i do it hourly.  but i am focused on making these heart strings disappear one by one until the only string is the One that forces me to call on the Lord when i find myself isolated.


_____________
do you ever get lonely? 
how do you deal with it?
did this post make any sense to you?




please comment below
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a new day

mmmm, good morning.

20 ounces (oh is that why they call it a "venti"!?!) of flavorful tribute blend are coursing their way through my bloodstream as i type and are now radiating through this somewhat hazy smile i put on display.

click here

i woke up crying this morning, in one of those sleep induced comas aware of everything around me yet so overwhelmed by the reality that only dreams can produce.  entranced by images flashing on the forefront of my mind yet unable to force my eyelids open.  horrified by the movie that only my troubled and demented mind could conjured.

not only was i trembling and sobbing as consequences of my nightmare, but i was soaked. i was drenched to the core in a nervous sweat. obviously i have too many things weighing on my mind, stressed and out of control.  i hate waking up in a panic, in sleep paralysis. i feel so helpless, it just felt so real.

but....it's a new day and i will not let a fictious dream define where i choose to walk.


i found this verse this morning as i was about to start my bible study.

"run from anything that stimulates youthful lust.  follow anything that makes you want to do right.  pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."
-2 timothy 2:22

i wanted to share it with you because i think there is a common misconception about lust, like it's only a sexual thing.  you can lust after anything: food, power, perfection. the list is really endless.

what stimulates my lust?
what makes me want to do right?
who are my companions?
do my companions call on the Lord with pure hearts?
am i eager to do what is right?
am i listening to God's truths and acting when i am called?

"remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it"
-james 4:14

listen, Reader, i am the first to admit my endless offenses against others and the Lord. i mess up, a lot.  i am so impossible to deal with sometimes, i hide things behind my hazel eyes that no one should know, and yet i am flawed to a strange perfection (according to my Maker).  but also, when i feel convicted on certain aspects, i am working on being the first to turn things around.  not necessarily righting my wrongs, but taking steps to and fro to avoid them again.

you know, a caterpillar goes through grueling pain with hopes of becoming a butterfly.

tidal wave of weakness

sipping on: i do not have coffee tonight, but i wish i did, but right now that would just be a vice for my lonliness. i can dream of sumatra extra bold.

click here

weaknesses.

we all have weaknesses, not to throw you, Reader, under the bus. i can assure you that i am no buoyant individual floating through life's rough waters unharmed and tethered to safety, though it may appear so from a far.   

no, certainly quite the opposite.  

i'm enjoying the rocking motion of the life's ocean while it lulls me to sleep enjoying every aspect of this new world: the sunshine, the animals, the clouds, the fantasy of it all.  even feeling as though this is how life, the sea, should be carried out, that life could not get any better and i certainly hope it would never rain on this aquamarine parade. however, out of no where a tidal wave of weakness sends me soaring into the sky like a bird without wings, falling hard to the now desolate beach while the weight of weakness splashes on my back like a whip, broken shells cutting my body.  i give in to my weakness just so the pain will pass.  for a minute, i welcomed the pain like an old friend.

foolish.

the tidal wave of weakness left me badly wounded and the beaches of my once so tranquil life have hoisted the "high hazard-water closed to public" flag, leaving me a stranger to my own home.  

homeless.

so i wonder the streets aimlessly and berate myself for being deemed a weakling, asking myself, "who gives in to weaknesses after being strong for so long? who breaks a habit after being free from it for an extended period of time? who DOES that?" the only response i could give my dehydrated self was, "well, i guess i do."  

the once measly floater who enjoyed the silky caresses life's sea offered decided to allow the tidal wave to displace comfort and familiarity instead of holding my ground or swimming to safety.  me, the one who, upon appearance, effortlessly welcomed the tidal wave of weakness's lashes of its misleading, ever gripping wakes. so without missing a beat, i sulk more and try to figure out how to heal the wounds, the damage.  

i remember what the tidal wave can not.

i convince the guards to lower their flags and reopen the beach so i  can set sail with eyes set solely on the horizon, cognizant of the tidal wave of weakness.

click here

but night ensues.

the sun sets and i am left alone in the dark abyss, floating, watching the star scintillate the night sky one by one.  and then it grazes my leg, a predatory weakness. 

a ten-year plan?

(c) rnm

i'm listening to david crowder's song "let me feel your shine" and drinking shell gas station coffee with a hint of irish creme. so warm and comforting.  don't you dare judge me for gas station coffee! do you know how many miles fill-up station java has kept me company while driving countless hours back and forth across the nation?

i feel at a crossroads in my life, and though i so desperately wanted to grow-up when i was a kid (or even as a senior in high school) i never thought this time period would ever truly arrive.

tonight a friend asked me what my plans were for next year.  as of right now, i will be in graduate school and i will be teaching biology labs to undergraduates students 10-15 hours a week.  needless to say, i am overwhelming thrilled at this opportunity. (insert a heart beating 200 beats a minute)  then my friend proceeded to ask me what my ten-year plan was, or if i even had one.  to be honest, i don't have one.  sure, like everyone, i have ideas of where i would like my life to go and how i want it to play out; sure, i dream of a white picket fence, a cat, a dog, preparing well-thought out dinners while wearing a frilly apron for a husband of God's choosing, a swing set in the backyard accompanied by a yellow slide, and waking every morning with a cup of java heading off to a job i adore-encompassing everything about the desired "american dream."

(c) rnm

however, for the past 22-years of my life i have painstakingly planned out my every detail only to be utterly dismayed at the neglect i displayed to my plans or at the towering failure looming above me from goals unachieved.

i think i can attribute my failures and plethora of faux paus to trying to be self-sufficient.  i'm simply hanging on to this lead balloon. but.....but now, i am ready to feel God's perpetual light and crawl out of my shallow pit of short-comings.  i'm raising my white flag and surrendering, admitting my personal defeat. i don't know where i got this notion that i needed to meticulously plan out every minute of my life down to the last period and dotted 'i' (which is what i have so often done) causing me to miss out on everything within arm's reach at the present time.  

my response to a ten-year plan was something along the lines of this, "well, i have a general idea......but i guess i'll just take it day by day right now."

i think it's important to remember that i (or you) could plan, plan, plan like it's your day job working double overtime, and it still wouldn't advance us any further than we were two seconds ago.  see one of my favorite bible verses below.  the Lord is the one who has the authority over each step we take.

"we may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."

proverbs 16:33

if you want, please comment and share your thoughts.  

i would like to make this blog a bit more interactive!

click below.

binoculars

seek and you will find

i went to the refuge last sunday.  for those of you who do not know what the refuge is, it is a wildlife preserve.  while at the refuge, i saw a bald eagle, tons of flowers, several colorful butterflies, and experienced peace beyond any measure.  

this picture is from one of my favorite look outs.  at this location you are lofted high above a scenery comparable to the african savannah; however, if you look in the opposite direction, you are placed in the middle of a secluded swamp land forever echoing with billows of bullfrogs and chirping of cicadas. in the hut overlooking the terrain are stationary binoculars.  you know, the binoculars placed at ocean piers or at the top of skyscrapers, you put 50 cents in and you can see as far as your eyes allow for a ticking 30 seconds.  well, it's like that except there is no fee and no time limit. 

i love that some one wrote a verse on the binoculars, graffiti or not. 

when you look in to binoculars you expect to see something on the other end.  you have been trained from a early age that binoculars magnify a distant object and allow it to appear close (i won't go into the physics and science of this, though i so nerdily want to).  

what if we view out relationship with christ like binoculars?

what if when we dove into the word we EXPECTED to see something in the scriptures?

what if when we prayed we really prayed EXPECTANTLY, not just reciting empty words that sound religious and ritualistic?

what if when we felt alone, we EXPECTED God to comfort us?

let's make it a point to see our relationship with God like we see through binoculars, with expectations.

open my eyes, that i may behold wondrous things out of your law. 

psalm 119: 18

bible verses

after a few weeks (rather an eternity it seems) of not having a functional computer, i am finally able to post on this blog once again.  

how have you been readers? what have you learned the past few weeks? is there anything exciting happening in your life right now? what up coming events are you looking forward to?

i am sipping on some homemade, frothy cinnamon swirl java. (inset very content face here) what is your drink of choice?

for the past few weeks, i have been going to university bible study.  in the past, university bible study isn't something i have always found comforting nor have i been its biggest advocate.  i just felt, as i am sure several people feel, like an outsider.  being a student athlete, my friends circle primarily encompasses the track and cross-country team.  i felt alone and like that girl with no friends.  i didn't even start going to my current church until my sophomore year of college (a year in which everyone is so excited to get back to school to see their friends they made the previous year).  for me, i was automatically isolated because i didn't have a "mom" and a "dad" to guide me through out my freshman year to find the perfect church home. that, or maybe i am just sulking.  however, here i am a senior, and i decided to make going to university bible study a priority (first time, ever).  though i choose to still sit with grown-ups, i enjoy their fellowship and the occasional moment where a person i am acquainted with says hello. i like grown-ups.  i still feel like an outside floater, but sometimes i don't think that is such a bad thing. maybe i just need to suck it up and force myself to talk to people.  i have feelings of indifference and the desire to invest emotions is lacking, admitting this hurts. have you ever  felt on the outside of cliques?

within the past few weeks, i have decided to start writing down bible verses that struck a chord with me.  i write them down in a flip book.  here are a few that have really inspired me lately.  

• "You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord, for he is a God who is passionate about his relationship with you." -Exodus 34:14
• i pray that i stray from spiritual prostitution.  i constantly put school work, my personal time, photography interest, running, and bitter grudges in front of my relationship with God.  i commit adultery with my Lover. look at this verse. GOD IS PASSIONATE ABOUT ME! ABOUT YOU! ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM! i pray to be as excited and as in love with my God as he is with me.  
• is there an area in your life to which you are being a spiritual whore? 
• "may the lord bring you into an even deeper understanding of love of God and the endurance that comes from Christ." -2 Thessalonians 3:5
• i never want to stop growing deeper.  i want my roots to grow forever and for my fruits to be ripe and to be connected to the true vince which is Jesus.  
• where are you in your relationship with Christ?
• "don't talk too much, for it fosters sin.  be sensible and turn off the flow." -proverbs 10:19
• i talk, a lot.  we have two ears and one mouth for a reason.  i'm trying to work on this.
• what is one of your weaknesses that you find harboring sin?
• "the day will surely come when God, by Jesus Christ, will judge everyone's secret life." -romans 2:16a
• i had a secret life. i will one day write about that secret life, but i am not ready for that just yet. 
• is your life secret? are you a different person in front of different crowds? is your life compartmentalized? 
• "for the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. and we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. we should live in this evil world with self-control, right conduct, and devotion to God, while we look forward to that wonderful event when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed." -titus 2:11-13
• turning for godless living is a daily choice.  i find myself at a corssroads and i can choose right or left.  choosing sin is enticing, yes it really is, but when i weigh the consequences, i want to choose the right way.  i hope this decision becomes easier each time, but i have a feeling it will be a life-long struggle.
• is it hard for you to turn from "godless living"?
• "You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away.  Then God made you alive with Christ.  He forgave all our sins. He cancelled the record that contained the charges against us.  He took it and destroyed it by nailing it to Christ's cross.  in this way, God disarmed the evil rulers and authorities.  He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross of Christ." -colossians 2:13-15
• the thing that sticks out to me in this verse is "all." God has forgiven ALL my sins.  that's difficult for me to wrap my mind around.  i beat myself up time and time again for things that happened in the long-long ago past.  dreams, thoughts, memories, moments; they all haunt me and try to remind me who i was with out Jesus. 
• are you holding on to anything in your past that is inhibiting the advancement of your relationship with God?
• "and then he added, 'it is the thought-life that defiles you.  from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, eagerness for lustful pleasure, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness.  all these vile things come from within; they are what defile you and make you unacceptable to God'." -mark 7:20-23
• the human heart still amazes me.  all the mentioned sins above, it comes as no surprise, but i struggle hardcore with each.  (okay, i've never stolen or killed anyone, but in my mind i find these thoughts at bay ready to set sail.) though i am so unworthy and undeserving of God's love, he loves me any way.  i do not want anything to separate me from his love, let alone make me unacceptable for him.  God is the ultimate heart-changer.
• have you ever thought about what makes you unacceptable to God? what you struggle with?

i know this blog post was really choppy and really had no sense of flow or depth, but that is how my brain feels right now.  i just wanted to share with you a few of the neat things i am currently learning or with which i am dealing.  i hope to update a little more often now that my computer is working semi-decently.

thanks a latte for taking the time to read. (see what i did there)