Sleepless Nights to Draw Me Near

I was sitting in church today and between transition of songs, I quickly sipped some home-brewed goodness and smiled because I knew God was drawing me closer to Himself through things we had talked about in Community Group just moments before.  But then a tune came over the sound system,  and I rolled my eyes, cringed my nose, and said to myself, "I seriously hate this song."

You may know the song Blessings by Laura Story.  I haven't the slightest clue as to why, (maybe the octave at which it's sung, maybe the over positivity of K-LOVE radio hosts with this song, maybe the melody of it, maybe because it's overplayed) but I really do not care for this song at all.  It's not that I don't believe what the lyrics boast, because I do do do do do do definitely do.  I just.....I just don't like the song.

As the music started, I sat there impatiently, zoned out, and just wished the song would end, quickly.

I am overly emotional right now and having a sick baby which grants me only a few hours of sleep only heightening my sensitivity.  So many questions and thoughts bounced in the seemingly empty space between my ears.  They went from one extreme to another.

Am I  a good mom?....Do I really want to be a mom?....I am tired of being a mom....Ezra is absolutely adorable....I can't wait to have more babies.....Let's have 10 kids....I am exhausted....When will Ezra's tiny body heal?....I can't do another night of only 2 hours of sleep....I would never sleep again if it meant staring into Ezra's eyes forever....I don't like being a mom....Being a mom might be the single greatest thing I've experienced....I can't do this forever...........

Thoughts and questions like this filled my mind and the song continued in the background as I sat there zoning out.

And then it happened.

Tears, a steady trickle dripping large tear drops onto my lap.  A line to a song I didn't like and didn't think I was listening to cut straight to my heart.

"What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near"

For the remainder of the song, I allowed myself to hear the words.  I kept my head down in attempt to save my makeup, but I allowed myself to cry.


I am reminded in that moment that God has purposed everything, every single sleepless night (and there have been a lot of sleepless nights here lately) for his glory.  I am reminded that I don't have to rely on my own strength to accomplish the tasks at hand.  I am reminded that even in the sleeplessness of each night, I have the opportunity to cry out to an understanding God who deeply desires a relationship with me and "longs that we'd have the faith to believe."  At 2AM, I can't afford to neglect this beautiful reality.  As crumby and cranky and crabby as I can be, I can change my outlook on the "inconvenience" and humbly approach the throne of God because he "hears each spoken plea" and "hears each desperate plea."

There is no sweeter way to put my son back to sleep than speaking to the One who loves him more than I ever could.

Now I still can't say that I adore this song, but today this song has taken on a greater meaning and has reminded me that through every situation (big or small) God is in control and he has a purpose for everything and uses anything to draw us nearer to Him, even sleepless nights.