the jealous bug has bitten, ugh

8.09.2012 |

have you ever been jealous over something so absolutely stupid that it makes you angry that you are even jealous in the first place?


no?! really!? you haven't? you're kidding right? ugh......

well, that's just not the case for me.

as i have pointed out in several of my previous posts, it is evident that i have some serious issues.  i need to work out these issues immediately! if i am going to see any positive (if there even is one) in this elementary situation, i guess it would have to be that at least i recognize that i am full of jealousy and that that is a sin.  jealousy is not of jesus and as james points out, disorder is all around me.  well, now THAT is obvious.
fostering jealousy in my heart enables a gateway of other sins to crowd my heart (such as anger, bitterness, guilt, insert dirty laundry list here).  my defense system is wounded and i am left vulnerable.  jealousy separates me from jesus and it inhibits me from loving other people as jesus intended me to love.

i'm an emotional nut case. stupid, what i am jealous over is absolutely stupid and i'm so embarrassed that i am jealous over this particular incident (or lack there of) that i'm not even going to admit on this blog what happens to be eating at me.
"for wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind."
–james 3:16
disorder and evil of every kind?!
"when you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.  let me tell you again as i have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the kingdom of God."
– galatians 5:19-21
God, please break me, forgive me, humble me.  my heart is jealous and it is keeping me from you, Lord.  i don't deserve your forgiveness Lord.  i have asked you so many times, i am like a broken record, but God please don't hold out on me.  i am foolish and so imperfect Lord, but you are gracious and loving.  i did not guard my heart, i let jealousy make its home in me.  i sinned against you God. i did, many times. you say in romans not to let sin control the way i live Lord, but once i sin i find it so much easier to sin again.  let me see the Light first and only God.  let the Light make darkness disappear in my life Jesus.  i turned my back on you. i let you down, i let myself down.  Lord, please forgive me for not loving the people i was jealous of, it was such a stupid situation, so dumb, but i let it grow into something i was unable to handle.  please handle my arrogant, self-seeking heart.  i don't understand your love, i'm still trying to figure out why you decide to love me because i wouldn't love me if i was treated like i treat myself; but thank you for loving me despite my short-comings.  thank you for loving me and forgiving me in Your way and not in my way.  thanks Jesus, now let me release this jealousy.  amen
"determining to live according to God's biblical standards shows we are forgiven and that our life is being transformed. we cannot deny our sinful nature or minimize the consequences of sin in our relationship with God.  we must resist the attraction of sin, yet we must confess when we do sin. sin is our fault–Christ is our redeemer."
–NLT bible commentary

i am going to drink some coffee and talk to my Redeemer.  goodnight.



1 comment

  1. Forgive yourself, because God forgave you before you even uttered those words :) You are so special Renee, and you are going to do great things in this world ! Keep your head up and trust that the Lord has a plan for you <3 much love

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