unglued

james 3:2-9

as the sun rose, i walked to the campus starbucks with my head hung exceptionally low.  they say that joy comes with the morning, but all i felt on this morning was shame and guilt from events that occurred only hours before.  acting on emotions has never boded well with me, yet i constantly choose to engage in opening my mouth before i think to speak.

why did i open my mouth? why did i say the words i did?  what caused my initial anger? why did i respond in such a defensive and hatful manner? why do i let jealousy invade my heart?

have you ever opened you mouth and with your last words instantly regret everything you just uttered?  have you ever sent a hasty text and with the a punch of the "send" button regret boils in your blood?    have you ever written a letter with what you thought were justified comments and with the dropping off of that stamped envelope you wish you could reach your hand back into the mailbox and retrieve it but instead it now belongs to the post office and your intended sender?

WAIT!  let's hit the rewind button you didn't hear that.  WAIT! let's quickly break into their house and steal their phone so they never even see it.  WAIT! let's wait outside their house for days to intercept the letter.

no, that is not how it works.  

we've all said words, done things, sent messages we knew we would obviously regret; yet, we still carry out our intended function because (let's be honest) it feels good (momentarily) to have the last word, to feel justified, to get revenge, to "show them."

maybe i'm speaking a foreign language to you and you have never ever once in your whole entire life never offended any one nor have you ever done anything you regret.

but that's not the case for me.

seeing the intended hurt, the obvious pain, and sheer brokenness on the face of someone you say you care about is one of the most convicting and repulsive sights.  we can all play the he-said, she-said game. we can all say, "well if _________ didn't do this, then i wouldn't have done that!"  we can all point fingers of blame, but what has that ever solved for you? you got more bitter? your friendship ended? you felt unending shame? you start reacting that way every time?

we have to get to the root of the problem.

the root that gives rise to all the poisonous fruit (which kills those who ingest) in our lives is our mouths.

since the time you learned your right from wrong, you have been constantly modifying your behavior and words to accommodate certain groups of people.  if you are like me, your mom started washing your mouth out with soap the minute you learned your ABC's: talking back, name-calling, rude comments, etc.  apparently the basic formula of soap didn't do the trick. (looks like classical conditioning just didn't prove effective on me, sorry pavlov!) it's not just what we say, but it's how we say it.  what we say is determined by what is in our hearts.  so it may be more accurate to say that the real root of our problem is not so much the mouth but the condition of our hearts.

a good person produces good thing fro the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produced evil things from the treasury of an evil heart.  why you say flows from what is in your heart.  –luke 6:45

we are the fundamental problem to our problems.

i am reading the book "unglued" by lysa terkeurst.  this book describes real emotions that we face in our every day lives and what we, as imperfect humans, tend to do with those emotions.  what makes us become unglued? she explains that we either stuff emotions deep inside or we explode on other people, neither of which are healthy or godly.  if you are like me, you are both an exploder and a stuffer depending on from where and from whom the emotion came.

i feel like such a hypocrite reading this book, raving about the book to others, and then when it comes time to apply the lessons learned in the book, i fail....and not just fail, i fail miserably.

last night, i hit the grand slam of emotional explosions which left me nothing but needing to go to the heart hospital for a transplant and a dose of godly medicine.  i stuffed my feelings of regret and shame deep inside and let my words personally wound me.  my words left obvious poignant scars on the affected one which caused my inner entropy to increase exponentially in a matter of seconds.

the only thing i could do was apologize and let this be added to the long list of learning experiences.  this is not only a learning experience that opened my eyes to how capable i am to hurting others, but how powerful words of any nature can become.  i was in the wrong and there is no beating around the bush on that.  plain and simple, wrong.  if you're in this boat with me, there is nothing that we can do to change what has been said, done, or written; all we can do is apologize (which is a biblical necessity) and react differently in the future.  our relationship with the ones we've hurt may be completely altered or severed, but as the author of proverbs iterates countless times that what we say has the power to sustain or end life, build or destroy. we are all familiar with the fruits of our words.

"death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." –proverbs 18:21 (ESV)

when life gets out of our control, let's not act out of control. 

there is a God who is bigger than the shame and guilt that comes from our foolish and brash wordage.  his grace is sufficient and his mercy is new each day.  he keeps absolutely no record of wrongs. this is no excuse to keep traveling down the explosive path and injuring those with ears to hear but an opportunity to be more humbled than we've ever been before)  he is so very patient and kind with us.  he is Love.  falling victim to shame and guilt is a ploy to divert our wholehearted attention away from the One who came to give us life.  don't endorse that lie or make others believe it.  we are sons and daughters of the King on High.  Christ can cover even our worst moments and most hurtful words.  it does not make living with the undeniably real consequences of our actions any easier, but knowing we can be eternally at peace with God in the situation is satisfying.

we all have that song that takes us back to a moment.  for me, it is the song "forever reign"

tonight, i was humbled and reminded of God's infinitely powerful grace as shane & shane sung this song. tear stained checks and hands lifted to the sky as if God was about to hug me, i could not contain my gratefulness for his grace. i was overwhelmed and filled.

shane & shane concert

you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me

you are love, you are love, on display for all to see
you are light, you are light when the darkness closes in
you are hope, you are hope you have covered all my sin
you are peace, you are peace, when my fear is crippling
you are true, you are true, even in my wondering
you are joy, you are joy, you're the reason that i sing
you are life, you are life, even death has lost it's sting
you are more, you are more, than my words will ever say
you are lord, you are lord, all creation will proclaim
you are here, you are here, in your presence im made whole
you are god, you are god, of all else i'm letting go
i'm running to your arms

hi, i am renee and i messed up but that doesn't make me messed up. 

i said yes

i didn't expect to drive home with wet hair on wednesday night, but i did.  i made my relationship with jesus christ public and i was baptized, spontaneously.  ....oh spontaneously, how radical of you.  no, how biblical!

let me give you a tid bit of info on me real quick, i was baptized when i was 7 with the knowledge of who jesus was and what he did, but mostly, it was so i could take communion and get a free meal at steak-n-shake with jason, my youth leader.  i memorized scripture, i sang countless songs, but i still wasn't allowed to take communion.  how do i do this? hmmm.....wheels are turning.  why couldn't i take communion, why was i not allowed to pick up the bread and juice when it was passed.  my prohibition was my downfall. i got dunked in the water, it was a day of celebration, i took communion, but nothing "magical" happened like i assumed would.   i got my relationship with jesus out of order, i did things backwards, for the wrong reasons.    i had felt pullings at my heart a few times in the past: was it ok to get baptized again? yes. did i need to be baptized again? biblically, yes. does baptism give me salvation? no.

well, i already knew the answers to these questions, but i never had since acted upon them because what in the world would people think!?

i can't believe you're not baptized yet.  shouldn't you have already been baptized renee? you must not have ever loved jesus in your past.  you don't really have to get baptized.  look at her, calling herself a christian when she hasn't even surrendered herself to jesus. what a hypocrite. blah...blah...blah...

but wednesday, my walls came down and jesus reached out and pulled me under his crashing waves of Grace.  in a room full of people from literally every walk of life, i was unable hear anyone but jesus.  i could feel him pulling at my heart.  you see, i just finished a book by lysa terkeurst called what happens when women say yes to God.   this book is all about biblical "radical" obedience, how when i say yes to what God wants (not what i want or what others want) without hesitation, how that affects others including myself.  well, jesus was yanking on my heart wednesday night, and i said yes; however, i didn't realize at this time that being baptized on wednesday night was an act of obedience.  

august 22, 2012 marks the day that my inward change became an outward symbol to my dependence on my risen Savior.

lasting obedience must be born out of desire, not duty. –lysa terkeurst

in her book, lysa makes these points and i have applied them to wednesday night:

• our call to obedience may challenge our pride

my legs were trembling, my hands were sweating as i knew that 500 pairs of eyes were looking at my tattooed back as i walked up to the front

 • God uses our experiences to equip us for our calling

reading lysa terkeurst's book further solidified how desperate i am to obey jesus.  my quiet time, this book, sermons, and uplifting talks with friends all pointed to one word: obedience

 • our obedience may inspire others to respond

i was the first to walk up to the front at pine lake, after what seemed like 20 minutes after the song started.  there were a total of 6 spontaneous baptisms that night.

"therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  the old has passed away; behold, the new has come." –2 corinthians 5:17

be steadfast, immovable

matthew 7: 13

 i had expressed earlier this summer that i had doubts in my mind about inadequacy while comparing myself to other individuals around me.  if you have not read my thoughts, click HERE for the blog post.

though doubts surface day in and day out about sometimes the most seemingly meaningless ideals, i am painfully striving to guard my heart on these negative thoughts and demeaning attacks.  i am tearing down walls that block me from living the abundant life the Lord came to provide.

sunday at church, my friend alex gave a short recap on his incredible summer working at ridgecrest, a summer camp for boys.  he spoke on ways that God was alive in his life, and how he responded to the Holy Spirit's tug at his heart.  he gave a verse that defined his summer experience. alex, too, came face-to-face with feeling inadequate at times because he shared that not one salvation came out of the summer, but i trust that God used alex in enormous ways in those young boys' lives.  i am positive that alex's actions this summer left a lasting impression of who jesus really is.  alex shared 1 corinthians 15:58 in the ESV.  though i do not typically reference ESV, i was captivated by the words he spoke.

"be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

this verse hit home in a very personal way.  you see, i was feeling as though i was inadequate, very useless.  i wasn't serving starving children in africa, i didn't visit an orphanage, i didn't medically treat those with diseases, i didn't get to be a youth leader or a summer camp counselor.  i only saw who i wasn't instead of seeing who i was in the Lord's eyes.  what i did was very foolish and very hurtful to my Maker, who perfectly used me here in starkville and surrounding areas this summer: there are two very special high school girls in my life that i have grown to know and adore, i can not believe i even saw loving these two girls and hiking through rainforests to get to a remote village as two different missions! slap me! now! jesus has opened my eyes.  i am working with what i have, where i am at, and investing in those around me; therefore, i am not inadequate, i am not useless.  this verse contained the living, breathing words of God that i needed to hear at that exact moment.  God's words comforted me immediately, on the spot. 

i encourage you to start looking at who you are in God's eyes, and not through the eyes of others. if you, like me, have or had doubts about your usefulness or if you yourself have felt purposeless, take a look at these verses:

"all praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  when others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." -2 corinthians 1:3-4 NLT

"i (the Lord) command you, be strong and courageous! do not be afraid or discouraged.  for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go" -joshua 1:9 NLT

"so don't get tired of doing what is good.  don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. -galatians 6:9 NLT

"for God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him." -philippians 2:13 NLT

"but people are declared righteous because of their faith, not because of their work." -romans 4:5 NLT

romans 2:17-24

"we need not fear what our obedience will cause to happen in our life.  we should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss."

–lysa terkuerst in what happens when women say yes to God

furry little friend

companionship can come in any form

the jealous bug has bitten, ugh

have you ever been jealous over something so absolutely stupid that it makes you angry that you are even jealous in the first place?

no?! really!? you haven't? you're kidding right? ugh......

well, that's just not the case for me.

as i have pointed out in several of my previous posts, it is evident that i have some serious issues.  i need to work out these issues immediately! if i am going to see any positive (if there even is one) in this elementary situation, i guess it would have to be that at least i recognize that i am full of jealousy and that that is a sin.  jealousy is not of jesus and as james points out, disorder is all around me.  well, now THAT is obvious.
fostering jealousy in my heart enables a gateway of other sins to crowd my heart (such as anger, bitterness, guilt, insert dirty laundry list here).  my defense system is wounded and i am left vulnerable.  jealousy separates me from jesus and it inhibits me from loving other people as jesus intended me to love.

i'm an emotional nut case. stupid, what i am jealous over is absolutely stupid and i'm so embarrassed that i am jealous over this particular incident (or lack there of) that i'm not even going to admit on this blog what happens to be eating at me.

"for wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind."
–james 3:16

disorder and evil of every kind?!

"when you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.  let me tell you again as i have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the kingdom of God."
– galatians 5:19-21

God, please break me, forgive me, humble me.  my heart is jealous and it is keeping me from you, Lord.  i don't deserve your forgiveness Lord.  i have asked you so many times, i am like a broken record, but God please don't hold out on me.  i am foolish and so imperfect Lord, but you are gracious and loving.  i did not guard my heart, i let jealousy make its home in me.  i sinned against you God. i did, many times. you say in romans not to let sin control the way i live Lord, but once i sin i find it so much easier to sin again.  let me see the Light first and only God.  let the Light make darkness disappear in my life Jesus.  i turned my back on you. i let you down, i let myself down.  Lord, please forgive me for not loving the people i was jealous of, it was such a stupid situation, so dumb, but i let it grow into something i was unable to handle.  please handle my arrogant, self-seeking heart.  i don't understand your love, i'm still trying to figure out why you decide to love me because i wouldn't love me if i was treated like i treat myself; but thank you for loving me despite my short-comings.  thank you for loving me and forgiving me in Your way and not in my way.  thanks Jesus, now let me release this jealousy.  amen

"determining to live according to God's biblical standards shows we are forgiven and that our life is being transformed. we cannot deny our sinful nature or minimize the consequences of sin in our relationship with God.  we must resist the attraction of sin, yet we must confess when we do sin. sin is our fault–Christ is our redeemer."
–NLT bible commentary

i am going to drink some coffee and talk to my Redeemer.  goodnight.

queen of broken hearts

in the middle of church, i started crying.  it was one of those cries that i tried to hide, but couldn't.  it was one of those cries where you put your head down and try to suck it up, but you just can't.  it was the cry that never spills on to your cheeks until that first blink, so you fight with all your might.  it was the cry where your vision is reduced to blurry shapes and simple shades of color.

i was not sure why i was crying.  it could have been because my forehead was on fire from burning it with a curling iron only minutes prior, (huge burn mark, please don't stare if you see me) or most likely it was because jesus loves me –fully and completely–with all my mistakes, failures, shortcomings.  he loves me when i can't love myself, he loves me when i feel alone, he loves me when it seems as if no one else does.  he loves my broken, shameful, deceitful heart.

it seems that i cannot write anything as of late.  my words are tangled up in my head and i cannot seem to let them out.  i type a sentence only with the knowledge that i will delete it as soon as i end it with a period.  why.....fear? fear of being further exposed than i already am? fear of hurting all over? fear of being broken? fear of being healed? fear of not having an excuse to be bitter? fear of fear itself?
i'm sitting at strangebrew trying to formulate these words.  maybe i should just dive headfirst into vulnerability, update you all on my heart disease.

i just got done reading andy stanley's enemies of the heart.  if you have never done so, i only recommend this book if you are willing to open up and see yourself for who you really are, because what you'll find is not too delightful pretty. i only suggest reading this book if you want to remove hinderances of the heart and if you want to take your relationship with jesus further.  this book will challenge you, it will cause you to do some extensive soul-searching and ludicrous heart-examining.

i finally(!) figured out where most of my anger and hurt originates from: my innocent eighth grade heart let down a guard and got a taste of impurity and then my desperate and attached heart got ripped to shreds after being cheated on....and since then, i have never been able to let it go.

i surfaced this old memory and i was forced to relive it– relive the pain and embarrassment and neglect.  it is odd how things stay with us for so long (nine years of trying to build a successful relationship on a broken foundation), but what is more impressive is  how we allow negative events in our life to take root in our heart and grow at an exponential rate.  soon, we forget the main cause of our pain and start blaming other people or other events.  pain dominos in our hearts, one seed of pain leads to sapling pains and you soon have a forrest of bitterness stealing all the nutrients from your heart.  let me tell you from first hand experience, when you leave pain unmanaged by the Healer, your heart becomes a ticking time bomb.  it is only a matter of time until your heart explodes and everyone around you feels the shrapnel and debris you harbored in your heart.  


dealing with pain is very uncomfortable, especially when i can distinctly remember my mother holding me, crying with me, and my heart beating so hard and fast that my thumbs were visibly pulsating.  nine years ago i learned that people can hurt you, so i have since "modified my behavior" (stanley) to ensure that no one ever hurts me like that again; because of this, i have allowed the fruits of my pain to poison every day.  it's time for an antidote.  nine years is quite long enough.  i'm thankful i caught it when i did, or it could have been another nine.  with each passing day, like true tree roots, the roots of pain embed themselves deeper in our hearts, they get stronger, and they require more energy.  i've gotten to the root of my problems, now i can start working up the ladder and deal with each pain accordingly.

pain is hard to let go. truly forgiving is even harder. however, it is imperative if you want to have successful and fruitful friendships, relationships, and life in general.


here i am (i need a coffee refill), dealing with pain of the past one memory at a time, letting go, forgiving others and myself, and desiring to live the life of abundance that jesus came to provide.   


when it boils down to it, you have the choice to be captive to your past and continue to live in suffering and shame, or you can choose to live in the present with expectant hope for the future, neglecting to feed your deceitful heart by guarding it against "every form of malice" (ephesians 4:31)