a wave of doubt

summer is approaching (well, here in mississippi it feels like summer) and it makes me long for long beach walks, star gazing on the pier, the lulling drone of the crashing waves, and hours of shells searching.

have you ever taken a trip to the ocean?

i have.

have you ever mustered enough courage to swim past the buoys? have you ever aimlessly drifted in the vastness to a point where you are absolutely uncomfortable, to where the nervousness and fear invade every pore? you start questioning how long it will take you to get back to shore and what would happen to you if a shark wanted you for lunch.  your mind plays devilish little tricks on you. you begin to wonder if are you even an efficient swimmer because what if you start to drown? if you are like me, panic ensues at this point of realization, this point of doubting and fear.

maybe you don't have the nerve to swim where you can't touch or see the sandy bottom, but maybe you have stayed in the shallow water looking for shells.  have you even tried to ride a wave in on your stomach? have you ever looked for sea shells while submerging your head under the salty water? have you ever gotten water in your eyes? your nose? your throat? maybe you were searching for shells or trying to be the next great body-wave rider (whatever your enjoyment at the beach) but maybe you lost your balance and accidentally threw yourself off the harmonic motions of the ocean's waves.  if you have ever done such as that, then you know what comes next.  as soon as the wave breaks, you are violently hurled into a hard sandy bottom at a very high speed.  you become disorientated and up is down.  it takes several minutes for you to stop coughing and for your eyes to cease watering. chances are you skinned your hands and your knees a little and there is a pound of wet sand in your britches, but really, when it comes down to it, that physical pain and discomfort pales in comparison to the humiliation that came with tossing uncontrollably in nature's wrath.

has this ever happened to you?

it has happened to me, yes.

in fact, it has happened more than once.  you think i would have learned to stand my ground, keep my distance, don't repeat last time.

it takes a lot of time to learn certain life lessons, some quicker than others.  we can learn the same life lesson at different points in our lives due to situations that present themselves or the mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual state into which we are presently morphed.

today as i was reading through some of my favorite passages in the bible, i came across a verse in james that stuck out.

james 1:6-8

now that you have recalled your acquaintance with the forces and fears of the ocean, think about this verse again.

picture i took in point reyes, california

i have doubted friends and i have doubted myself; i have doubted teachers and i have doubted my family.  i have doubted my whole life really without understanding the implication of my actions.

most importantly, i think it is time i have admitted that i have doubt God.

ultimately, this shows God that i am not trusting Him fully to lead my life (as if i some how could formulate a better plan for my life, as if i think i will be God's first mess up in all history...i laugh at my foolishness now). i put my trust in my self, why? simple. i try to be self-sufficient and all-knowing.  it's only human, right?  however, i find my self so tired and so depressed time and time again after parades of doubt reign in my life.  i'm a failure, absolute failure when i try to do things on my own.  this isn't just with God's will for my life, it's with nearly every thing in my life. me, i have to do it, i have to pride myself on doing "it" right no matter how long it takes me.

well, i can't speak for you, but i know that this is where i am weak.  when i ask God for guidance and help, i ask without expecting.

"God, yeah, i really am not understanding this. help me this, help me that. God, thank you for this and that, but now can you please guide me here or there and then help me with that?"

so maybe that is a rough and minute version of my prayer, but it is a skeleton. it is the structure. it is ever so empty. i don't want it to be empty. i need to expect that He is going to pour out all his help on top of me. i should expect that God is going to do something if i ask with a genuine and eager heart.  i should expect God to come to my rescue.  i should pray expectantly, but i don't; thus, doubt nestles through my cracked foundation and lays it's eggs.

doubt's eggs hatch and multiple exponentially.

eventually, doubt causes me to question everything around me and eventually causes me to question myself in a negative way (i'm not condoning the questioning that strengthens who you are at the core).  as James says in his verses, a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea.  and through your experience of the ocean, waves can be unpredictable, shifting, suppressing, nauseating, and cause terrific damages.

you have witnessed the damage from a hurricane.
you have seen the destruction of a tsunami.
you know the dangers of shore breaks.
you have experienced the force of a rolling wave.

why do we continuously doubt if we KNOW that a doubtful mind is just as destructive? just as wavering? just as unsettled? just as painful?

i don't know the answer to the question in the truest sense, but my challenge to myself and to you (if you fall into the boat that i sit in) is to stop doubting, stop drowning in the waters of doubt.  we need to trust FULLY IN God and rely FULLY ON God.

this will be a lot harder said than acted out, i realize this, but we have to make it a priority.  when we doubt we aren't JUST doubting, we are telling God that He has no idea what He is doing with the life He created, we are telling God that we don't have a need for him, that we are throwing in the rag on God's plan for our lives, we are breaking God's heart. God WANTS to give us what we need and what we want if it aligns with His plans.  He doesn't want to restrain giving, but He isn't just going to give us things when we don't REALLY TRULY FULLY COMPLETELY BELIEVE we are going to get it.

i don't want to be Doubting Renee, any longer. i want to enjoy the sunshine that the Lord has to offer and stop being abused by my waves.

i would love feedback of any kind. what are your thoughts on doubt? what have you experienced from doubting? 
click below and leave a comment

the human heart

people say "follow your heart and you can't go wrong."  well, that's the biggest load of crock i have ever heard, though i have used that cliché phrase time and time again.  however, i've listened to my heart, and what happened?  i went wrong. yes, i did listen to it and it lead me astray. why? because it's inherently evil and naturally void of the spirit. still, the human heart is an utter mystery to me. 

"above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do" -proverbs 4:23

"a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the person" -proverbs 27:19

"you brood of snakes! how could evil men like you speak what is good and right? for whatever is in your heart determines what you say." -matthew 12:34

"God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them.  God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  God blesses though who are gentle and lowly, for the whole earth will belong to them. God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will recieve it in full.  God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.  God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.  God blesses those who are persecuted because they live for God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." -matthew 5:3-10

though the human heart is a mystery to me, i do know one thing.  the heart is misleading and should not be trusted.  instead, the Spirit living inside is what i should trust, where i should go for counsel, who i should trust with all things.

"create in me a clean heart, O God. renew a right spirit within me." -psalm 51:10

(c) renee masterson

(c) renee masterson
and i now have this tattooed on my back as an external symbol
as to what Christ is doing in my life (updated January 26, 2013)

my parent's love

anyone who cares to read:

looking around to see the youth of today, i consider myself among the blessed and fortunate. with negativity and animosity at every corner and lurking between every line, i was raised on a diet of tough love and persistent discipline. above all else, my parents actively shoved love down my throat and i witnessed care continuously bleed out my parents' eyes. my mom would kiss me good bye in front of ALL my friends (ugh MOMMM!) and my dad would spend hours playing catch in the backyard or teaching me how to ride my bike.  my mom would sing "amazing Grace" each night before bed and my dad would "burrito tuck" me in every night so monsters and aleins couldn't get me while in bed (you think i'm crazy for saying this, but i distinctly remember seeing an alien in my closet as a child....or it could have been a jacket that was hanging up and the light hit it in an odd fashion, but regardless, i'm prrrrrretty sure it was an alien from outer space ready to abduct me). 

my parents didn't just tell me they loved me as if it was some empty, meaningless word; no, instead, they acted out the love and compassion with every step and with every word. i think every child should be subjected to and wrapped in this blanket of comfort.  they fulfilled what the word "love" truly stands for: an action and not a word.

"my children, listen when you father corrects you. pay attention and learn good judgement, for i am giving you good guidance. don't turn away from my instructions." -proverbs 4:1-2

growing-up under my parents reign was not necessarily the easiest of tasks, but even if i wanted a new set of parents, it's not like i had the slightest choice in that matter.  i threw a fit in the middle of the grocery store, so my mom popped me in the mouth (ugh, that huge wedding ring stings across the mouth).  i back talked to my mother so i had to wait until dad got home (and we all know what that means), i hit my sister and lied about it so my bare-butt got spanked and then my teary eyed self cried out for forgiveness while i was forced to sit alone in time out for what i recall was for-ev-er. i got grounded for an entire summer (the first summer i had my license, helllllo big deal parents!) for i can not even remember what, but obviously i was in the wrong. i learned the in's and out's of how to get away with certain things, and just when i thought i had gotten away on sheer stealth, my mom somehow knew.  she had all kinds of ninjas following me, i'm convinced, and i am still convinced these same ninjas exist in mississippi.

however, growing up, they were my only umbrella of guidance and my single shield of protection and initially my first force of friendship. however, being the temperamental and self-centered rugrat that i was, i often told my parents that they were the worst parents ever (because my friends' parents didn't treat them THAT way), that i was going to call the police on them (they scoffed at this and handed me the phone, calling my bluff), that if they really loved me they would not put me in time out (or spank me, or ground me, or or or or), that i was going to run away (which meant walk down the street, get scared, then return home and apologize for ever thinking i could make it on my own), that i hated them (because i used words to try and sway them), and that i didn't love them (even though i did not comprehend their depiction of love).

i could be (and was!) a terror behind closed doors and only an angel when it really mattered.

they disciplined me and knew it wouldn't kill me.  they didn't try to be my best friends, because that wasn't their job, that's not what they signed up for. they showed me tough love, and i love them even more fully and deeply because of this. i shutter to think how i could have turned out had my parents not been so energetically full of guidance, eager to display tough love, and passionately ready for fierce dedication to raising me and my sister as they were, i just do not even want to know who or where i would be. ok, they weren't like "neo-nazis-i'm not gonna let you do anything ever-don't kiss a boy-if you break your curfew you might as well forget about the rest of your life" kinda parents (you know what kind of parent's i'm alluding to and if that's their prerogative, so be it), they let me have a life and make mistakes and figure things out on my own, but they didn't let me push the line so far it was broken beyond repair...... and this is where the only way i will ever be able to adequately thank them is to raise my own children in a like manner.

it's not that my whole childhood and adolescence was a rough blur only to be remembered with tear stained cheeks and a bruised bottom.  no, quite the opposite. i was so very fortunate to have my mom and dad be my number one fan. my parents came to every softball game, every soccer match, every track meet, every field trip. my dad coached every team i was on and my mom was the team mom ready to take care of every kid. they seized every opportunity to be there for my sister and i. i understand that it's not always possible to be at every single event, so parents who don't have this luxury i understand, but i was fortunate that my parents were both entrepreneurs (with this came more hardships having to eat boxed milk for a few years of my early childhood but later their hard work multiplied). my parents took me, my sister, and our friends on countless vacations, and even to several exotic locations. looking back, i can't remember an event they missed.  i'm sure if you asked them what game they ever missed, they could tell you what team i was on and the reason they could not be there.

in all, it must have been really difficult to be the parents of me and my sister.  look at me now, i am trying to emulate their every step.  not that i have children of my own (yet) but qualities i saw to be true in my parents are now being reflected through my eyes. (who would have known? oh my poor 7-year old self is laughing now)  these qualities i am now developing, well ha ha ha, my 12-year self told my parents that she couldn't stand them, that she hated those things, that she would never EVER, EVERRR be like that.

but goodness, what did i know of love at 7 years old, what did i know about responsibility at 12 years old, what did i know about life at 18 years old.....and now? (enter loud, obnoxious, embarrassing laugh) yeah, and now??? i'm still learning from my parents.

i know that love isn't a word.  ok, yes, it is obviously a word, but that's not what i'm getting at.  love, it's not a word, but an action.

i can only hope and pray that i am even half as wonderfully mean and compassionately crazy as my parents were.


love,
naynay

we do what we shouldn't, and we know it

as you may or may not be aware, it is my goal to read through the bible in one year.  though i have started this feat numerous times, i succumb to the false pleasures of this world and neglect bible with only a few short months. my bible sits there and collects dust, i give in to my desires and i turn my back on the perfect peace that comes with quiet time in the Lord.  this is going to be the year, and this blog is going to help me on accountability. i'm not trying to sound high and mighty, because if anyone knows me, i have had my fair share of short-comings. i just want to grow in all the right ways on my way to becoming who i was destined to become.

a few days ago in genesis 28, a verse stood out to me because isaac commanded his sons not to get involved with canaanite women. isaac only wanted the best for his sons, isaac wanted his sons to marry suitable mates. now, it was customary for families to intermarry and keep close ties with one another through forming a large family and through faith in God.  marrying someone outside of choice could have huge complications not only immediately following the marriage, but for years to come.  in genesis 28, isaac makes it clear that esau is not to marry a canaanite; however, in genesis 36, esau enters into a union with canaanite women.

this got me thinking.

why would esau deliberately marry women of whom which his father so much disapproved and detested?

then, this got me thinking even more.

"well renee," i thought, "isn't this a beautiful depiction of your entire life?" i already knew the answer to this rhetoric.

dear reader, when someone tells you NOT to do something, what is your very FIRST inclination?

obviously, TO DO IT!

and why?

because we are stubborn people and we like to do things on our own. often times our advice-givers are just trying to save us heart ache, save us time, save us pain, and even save our lives; yet, we refuse any ounce of assistance because our false sense of invincibility reaches an all time high only to leave us broken and alone when the invincibility shield fades. with invincibility there is no comfort, not now not ever.

i was told not to date for a year. i was told to use that year as an opportunity to grow, to learn, to rely fully on God to pull me through loneliness, to advance friendships. i was told NOT to get into a relationship.

so (enter awkwardly long pause) i got into a relationship.

and i knew i shouldn't have.....

and it not only failed, it failed miserably, bitterly. not only did i have to swallow my pride and say, "yeah, you knew better, you knew i wasn't ready, you knew this was not the best thing for me," (which is my biggest weakness) but i also had to crawl through darkness and pain and tears and anger just to see the Light again.

this all could have been avoided.  i'm not discrediting the growth that came with walk through the darkness, i just want to reiterate how much more i could have grown had i not tried to be all-powerful and self-sufficient.

it doesn't have to be a getting into or out of a relationship.  it could be a major life decision, visiting a place or a friend. it could be taking advice when told not to eat a certain food or do a certain thing. it could be spending time with loved ones, it could be caring about your body more, it could be schooling or not spending so much time on one occurrence such as video games.  it could be a plethora of ideals and will look different for each and every person, yet we turn the other cheek and try to accomplish these feats without regard to others' time or feeling, and more importantly, without respect to God.

it just baffles me when looking back on this great book of Love, the bible, and putting every puzzle piece together, other people's real life struggles become evident.  we learn from them and think, "duh! why would you EVER do that!?" yet we still (or at least i do) fall short every single time i try to do something in my own time.  not that i, or anyone for that matter, can see the perfect rainbow promised to be formed after traveling through the eye of the perfect storm which is our lives, but it is encouraging that here i am not alone in doing what i know i should not be doing. i should not feel defeated at any point.  because of this, i strive to walk only when and where God leads me, but knowing that even if i trip a few times and scrap my knees, i can get back up because God will still be ready to walk with me forever.

heart broken for mountains

sipping on skinny french vanilla cappuccino dreaming of columbines and mountain trails.

lately my heart is being torn in every direction possible, far and wide across the continent from coast to coast and everywhere in between
.
last night my heart, or rather my memories and thoughts, resided in colorado, and it couldn't be torn to any place else.  one of my most respected and wonderful friends, eddie, is now living in colorado springs and will be deployed to afghanistan in march to protect our country from above in an apache helicopter.  as every day closes, we are talking more and more to make up for lost time, one could say.  now that he is finally in the most beautiful place on earth, he has my mind wrapped in a tizzy.  his accounts of being in a place so new to him take me back to some of the most glorious days of my life.  here i sit and reminisce of summers in colorado training with elite athletes, serving children at a camp, loving old friends and making many more, smiling stronger with each passing moment.

i know i should be focused on what i have in front of me and all the exciting adventures i plan to get into in the near future, but i can not help but be absolutely heart broken and yearn for a place i plan to live, for the rest of my life.

do i stay or do i go?

...

i always wonder why 

birds stay

in the same place

when they can fly

anywhere on the earth.

then i ask myself 

the same question

...

(c) renee masterson

$3.59 for a quick fix and lasting regret

here i sit waiting for my comforting, bold caffe verona to finish brewing.  i feel as though my insides are laying in a corner while my heart is struggling to maintain a pitter-patter beat and my brain splits open with ugly and hurtful thoughts.  how did i let myself stumble down this dark alley knowing that it only leads to shameful regret?

i needed a few things to prepare a homemade lunch-complete with my mother's famous spinach spring salad.  i hang a right and pull anxiously up to the local grocer.  i waltz in the store with a precise list of fruits and vegetables fresh on my mind, and willing to purchase nothing extraneous (or so i thought).

my black coffee is finished; one second while i pour myself an obnoxious amount of caffeinated love.

as i head to the express check-out out line with my oranges, spinach, strawberries, and banana nut muffins in tote, i come across the impulse-buy stand.  these bull's eye stands we are all too familiar with them at any store we visit.  "buy one, get one free," "10 for $10," etc.  well, this time, i did not turn my head.  i thought i could control myself.  i thought i was strong enough to resist.  i thought, "even if i buy this, it's not like i'm going to eat the entire thing today. there is NO way i would do that. i am stronger than i once was.  i could NEVER go back to my old life."  that is what i thought.  so, i bought a six pack of krispy kreme donuts for $3.59.  delicious, irresistible, phenomenal little indulgences, and yet, i, me, i was strong enough to withstand their deceptive pleasure. (insert devious laughter here) after all, i am allowed to treat myself on thursdays (one of my new year's resolutions was to deem thursday's my "snack, mediocre food" day).

thinking i could handle this box of sugar ceased when i walked out the automatic sliding doors of piggly wiggly and slid stealthily into my car. the anticipation had mounted in only a few short minutes and i opened the (now, satanic) box while still in the parking lot. just one, i told myself.  ok ok, fine, i'll stop at two.  no, before i knew it, i had devoured four original glazed donuts.

realization sat in as i was almost home.  "wow," i tell myself, "you are something else! you can't even stop at one!" and then i continued the self-bashing and berating and twisted my positive self-image and confidence into an image of nothing but dirt, grime, and soiled perfection.  staying true to one of my biggest accomplishments, i suffer the consequences of eating such foods.  i am not and refuse to purge. that is one road i am refusing to walk down again.  i have ended my ball and chain relationship with Mia, and i don't plan on being her slave ever again. i eat my normal lunch and continue as if nothing had happened, yet, inside i still feel as worthless as gum on the bottom of a broken school desk.

i'm sipping on my piping coffee and seeing my reflection in my oversized coffee mug.

the reflection tells me i am beautiful, even when my loss of self-control beats me down.  i am learning through this donut set-back.  i am not strong in myself. i am only strong when i rely on God to pull me through every situation.  i was relying on my accolades and my own willpower to advance my progress.  i am so very weak and God is so much stronger than i can begin to praise or credit Him.  it's not my power than i should be standing upon, it's not my abilities that i should trust to keep me on the straight and narrow, and though i do the things i know i shouldn't, God loves me the same (though that is SO hard for me to comprehend).

"when you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, division, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.  let me tell you again, as i have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But when the Holy Spirit control our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  here there is no conflict with the law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." galatians 5:19-24

you may be thinking to yourself, this seems silly, renee.  it was just four donuts. well, reader, it was not just "four donuts" too me.  this stems from somewhere deep inside and is an integral part of who i am as a woman of God and having a positive self-image.  may God be my bread of life, and fill me forever.
sip on Soli Deo Gloria

stop looking for mr. right and start being mrs. right

over some bold, homemade starbucks' guatemala antigua i am reflecting over sunday's sermon.  maybe i could title chip's sermon "my future husband portrays _________. "  and the blank is what i formerly would have filled in with nonsensical adjectives and descriptors like: "doesn't mind wearing short shorts," "can run a mile X fast," "has a nice jaw line and piercing eyes," "has a warming and loving family," "is a roller coaster enthusiast," "can talk for hours," "realizes the importance of bromance," "successful, humorous, financially stable...." the list of my ideal traits could fill a notebook front to back.   i often have twisted my brain into sundry unrealistic expectations and morphed my future lover in to a fantasy-like character who could never fill the shoes i've manufactured. however, those key factors, those elements necessary for a functioning, fruitful, forever-type relationship are not even mentioned in my "this makes you an acceptable mate" list.

maybe that is why i have failed, more or less, at every relationship in the past? oh, hey there, Reality. nice of you kick me in the face like that.


let me get back to the topic at hand: chip's sermon on sunday.

read genesis 24 for a brief background on marriage and Godly love, when isaac marries rebekah (which, can i just say how beautiful i think that name rebekah spelled with a "k" is?) and let it brew and bubble in your heart.

1. do not date (let alone marry) an individual who causes you to go backwards
-don't go backwards in anything, in your morals, your goals, and mainly, in your walk with God
-find a mate that is on your same page spiritually, and women, find a man who will lead you closer to God. and men, find a woman who won't cause you to stumble
-your significant other isn't a "project" to be fixed

2. find someone who has a heart of grace, of generosity
-it should be an evident facet in their life

3. look for someone who is pure in the eyes of God
-be pure in GOD'S eyes, not the world's.
-at the ripe age of 20-something, many struggle with the truth of regret. God says "go and sin no more," if mistakes have been made, confess and then be blameless.

4. find someone who is first and foremost submissive to God 
-when they are convicted, do they act?

this is what i have been mulling over for the past few days. more or less, constantly thinking about, convicted, interested, excited, and every adjective you could throw in to describe someone who's eyes have been opened for what seems like the first time.  instead of trying to find someone who fits my mold without hesitation, i should be focusing on being a woman of God who meets the above 4 criteria.

people get married and start relationships for all the wrong reasons. to name a few: money, success, to fill an emotional void at the time, good looks, desperation, etc.

it's not to say that if the person you meet has these 4 points that it is going to be a flawless, perfect romance in which the prince sweeps you off your snow-covered feet while trotting off into the sunset on a majestic white roan.  relationships, of any kind, take hard work and communication, similar interests and God's perfect timing.
(and believe me when i say i do UNDERSTAND that a relationship is much, much, MUCH more than 4 points on some measly amateur blog, but without these 4 deeply integrated roots of a person's being, what is there to physically stand upon?)

i have been in one relationship after the next since i had my first "date" (if you call your parents dropping you off at the movie theater and making out in the back row a "date") in the 7th grade.  a few more serious than most.  as i look back on a majority of my relationships, they began with wrong motives.

i am no expert at dating nor should i be the one giving relationship advice on how to make marriage flourish, but in my 22 years of existence, i have seen first hand what seems to work and what definitely trashes a relationship.  i know the rights and wrongs, yet in my dating life i continue to choose all the wrongs....every time.

it's time, at this critical crossroads of my life, that i start making my decisions based on fact and NOT on emotion.  yes, people can make us feel a certain way.  tears well up inside because of anger, blushing so much your face is burning from giddy, butterflies swarming your stomach from anticipation, la ti da we all have experienced the greatness and sometimes shallowness of what they call "feelings" and we all have acted upon them (sometimes in the best of ways and other times wretchedly).  what if we started acting upon the basis of truth and fear of God instead of being blinded by emotion and lust?

sip on that for some time.

stop avidly searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right and start BEING Mr. or Mrs. Right, because who said we weren't the biggest problem in any relationship we've ever been in? who said we weren't the one with flawed thinking? who are we  to be so high on our horses to think we are every man/woman's dream?


ah, and my coffee is still warm....