MIAserable

1.04.2013 |

the holiday season is coming to a close, and with that, i return to a place far warmer than my native indiana.  it is true that i have over consumed coffee (shocker) and chocolate and far too many other sweets i'd rather not say (ugh!).  though i can dance around a destructive past and i can make any agonizing war sound remotely insignificant, it is time i got real with myself (and you).

i can not remember the last time i threw up in an attempt to feel better about myself.  i can not remember the last time things spiraled out of control. i can not remember the last time i restricted my meals so i could binge with out feeling the after affects of my destructive decision.  that is probably a good thing.  it has been over a year since i crawled across the ceramic floor to hug my enemy.  no forced purging, and all the glory be to God for this strength.

but now i'm sitting at my kitchen island in the pitch black of night in tears over what seems like a never ending cycle.  not only have i made excuses for over eating nearly every meal the past two months, but others also make excuses for me with comments like, "renee don't worry you run it off" , "you are such a stick anyway" , "don't worry you can afford a few pounds."  those comments may seem helpful or harmless, but in fact do more damage to my mentality.  you see, i don't run it off and i haven't run it off.  now before you think i am over-exaggerating and crying for no reason, please put yourself in my shoes for the past 5-6 years (sparing you all the details, unless you really want to know then click here).  i am currently numb–my body and my heart, as well as my desire.  each run (or even thought of a run) is nearly a stab at my soul and a slash at my heart.  this is not a can-run/can't-run thing.  this is a self-control issue and i am losing all aspects of it. my college career is fading quickly, and well, quite frankly, it's a win-win and a lose-lose situation.



self-control is a fruit of the spirit.  though i may not possess much self-control, there is some seed of self-control within me because the holy spirit lives within.  despite these inherent truths, my emotions are still there and are fueled by lies formulated by the enemy.  though i am aware, i feel defeated.  though i know i am not defeated, that is how i feel.

alone. stupid. isolated. defeated. transparent. ugly. fat. heavy. tired. angry. bitter. lonely. 

lieslieslieslieslieslieslieslieslieslies. 

i know. 
1 corinthians 10:12-13
i am tired of this cycle.   though i refuse to slip back into my old ways and i refuse to feed my sinful nature by letting bulimia control me again, i am flirting all to often with destructive behaviors capable of  pushing me over the edge.  i am tired and i am miserable.  i just thought i would be a little more transparent today to let you know that if you are struggling with something and you somehow have found this blog, you're not alone.  if you think being a christ-follower means that some how your life will be magically struggle-less and pain-free, you're mistaken; however, there is a deep and eternal hope for those who put their trust in (and apply) the word of God.  if you some how thought i "had it all together" or that my life was somehow "perfect" and void of hardships, you've never been more wrong.  i just needed to shatter an image if that was the one i portrayed.

8 comments

  1. You are truly a fabulous human being Renee. I wish I was around you more or kept up with you enough to remind you of that more often. You're still an inspiration to me, and I'm sure many others. No, you're not perfect, and neither am I or anyone else for that matter. This wouldn't be life if anyone at all was perfect.

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    1. jackie! it has almost been two years since this post. can you believe that! wow how two years fly by. i'm glad for our imperfections because jesus uses us for his glory!

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  2. sweet renee.
    your faith is so encouraging. i did not know about "mia". but i do know that you are not the mistakes you've made. you are not your past. as i read this, i just wanted to give you a great big hug. thank you so much for sharing your heart. i am so blessed to call you a sister in Christ!

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    1. thank you amber. i am just going back through old posts....realized i never commented back. God is incredibly faithful and it's neat to see where he brings us from.

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  3. oh my goodness.. sweet girl i feel you so much right now.
    i have had my fair share of harmful eating patterns over the past 4 years. and it kills me to say that its lasted that long. isnt it ridiculous? doesn't it drive you crazy that this has been our struggle for YEARS now? it pains me to think about sometimes. it hurts my heart. i get incredibly down and disappointed and confused. why has God put this in my life? surely His plan for me is not sin and being miserable caught in this cycle! he wants freedom and peace for us. but yet...the binging and obsessive thoughts are still there. i cannot understand why these struggles and sins are still in our lives, why they still consume us and/or are always lurking. as painful as it is though, God WILL use it for good. When you overcome (when, not if), this phase of your life will have had its purpose. i am so not perfect either. I love Jesus and I know Him as my savior. yet..i still struggle with this sin. but you know what is the most important thing? because of Jesus, we have a HOPE and a PROMISE and a FUTURE...he promises us FREEDOM (..but it is also our duty to take our part in this, walk step in step, and learn to leave behind our old comfort zone/harmful habits and start adopting this freedom. its hard. im still practicing). because of him, we can wake up each day and start again. im still figuring this whole thing out but i know that because He is by my side, i can keep going

    please please please text me if you ever need to talk. i promise i can be a supporting friend :) ive been having trouble lately because nobody that i know can understand how these issues feel and so its hard to find an outlet. so if you need it, im here.. 8434967110

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    1. <3 it's almost been 2 years. isn't it neat to see where God takes us when we look back! sometimes i still have urges, but i have found immense freedom from Mia. <3

      miss you

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  4. The image that a person has, ...seems so important for so many people, it allows fear to dictate their actions and to lose not only control but also sight of themselves. Struggles are inevitable and can truly make life miserable, but then what would life be without them? I welcome all challenges placed in my path because I know that I will do my best, and if it didn't work out, then God has something else in store for me. The worse mistake that a person can ever make is giving up on himself, so as long as he keeps his faith up, I strongly believe that there is nothing that can destroy him.

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